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Coming Out


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#1

BigRed

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Posted January 26, 2015 - 04:50 PM

I have only came out to one person, and that is my aunt. My only problem is my dad is a little bit of a homophobe and makes jokes about gays. Some of my friends don't really support them, but they aren't homophobic. My sister is fine with them, my brother is almost like my dad, and my mom is a little weird-ed out by them. When is a safe time to come out to them? I'm afraid that if I tell them, they'll tell all of their friends. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, its just I don't want everybody to know until it is a safe time. When should I tell them?



#2

jamessavik

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Posted January 26, 2015 - 05:06 PM

*
POPULAR

Hi Big Red-

 

I'm delighted you decided to ask!

 

I had responded to this same question several months ago and this answer works pretty good.

 

You can ask follow ups here or message me or any of your other friends here. It all boils down to one line: Do what you think is right and safe for you.

_____________________________________________

 

Coming Out

 

Coming out is a very much an individual thing. It can be very tricky but it is something that you get to decide for yourself.

You owe it to YOURSELF to do it right.

You DO NOT owe it to the mythological "gay community" to come out at all costs and injure yourself and your future in the process.

You could either be in Canada or California. Both places have very liberal attitudes right beside very conservative ones.

I remember a guy whose Mom was very liberal and gay friendly until he came out. She said that's fine for other people but no son of mine is going to be a f-ing faggot.

While there are tons of happy happy, joy joy coming out stories, there are a lot of shitty ones too.

It's a process and you need to think it through because you can only do it once and there can be permanent consequences.

There are some points to seriously consider:

  • At this point in my life is it right for me?
  • How will my family react
  • How will my friends react
  • How will the effect my work/school

At this point in my life is it right for me?

You have to think about where you are. A 16 year old living at home will have concerns that a 25 year old college grad living on his own does not.


How will my family react

The problem here is that you might not guess right.


How will my friends react

If you are in high school, trusting the wrong people can set you up for a lot of misery.


How will the effect my work/school

A serious consideration. Will you become the school fag and the butt of all sorts of bullying and humiliation or are you in a school that wouldn't tolerate that sort of rubbish?


There's a lot to think about.

DON'T PANIC.

There's no time limit. You get to do this at your own pace or even not at all if you are uncomfortable with it.

The best plan is for you to be completely comfortable with it beforehand because I guarantee- the more confident you are, the better it will go.


________________

PS- Never, ever, ever say I think I'm gay. This implies that you aren't sure and those that aren't with it will want you to go to quack doctors to be fixed.

The right thing to say, with confidence, is that I am gay. That doesn't leave wiggle room for quacks.

You aren't broken. You don't need to be fixed.

 

_____________________

 

PSS (From Graeme)  You've had time to think about what being gay means. For your parents and friends, it may be the first time they've thought about it. If it took you time to understand and accept it, give them the same. You may have to be the teacher, to explain what it means and to address their concerns. Be prepared. This could all be new to them and they could be lost and confused, so be patient and explain things clearly and without ambiguity.


warning: not domesticated. Will bite and claw furniture.

_________________________________________________

=^._.^=


#3

eminem313

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Posted January 27, 2015 - 04:58 PM

^ That's the best answer someone could say

With me I just felt the moment come to me. I was listening to some music (Eminem - Beautiful, Not Afraid, and Survival to name a few) and got this huge rush of confidence. My mom had always been a liberal and back when I was in Elementary School I was still freaked out about being gay and was a homophobe, something I'm dearly ashamed of to this day.

Anyway, what I remembered was that my mom was not happy that I was a homophobe. Now I wasn't a SERIOUS one, I just always said to my mom "I'm fine with gay people as long as they stay away from me"....now of course I regret that, and I'm thankful I NEVER said it to anyone, but she was also quick to give me the punishment for such words.

Fast forward to October 14th 2013 and listening to that music I mentioned earlier, I decided "What the hell" and went upstairs and said I was gay. ANd what happened after? I was rewarded with Eminem releasing Rap God!

Now you can call it what you want, but I felt like it was divine intervention. Like come on now, I tell my mom this HUGE thing and then get rewarded with my favourite artist releasing my favourite single from the MMLP2? Seems pretty spiritual, and this is coming from an Atheist :P

TL;DR: Your time will come, and as James said EVALUATE your life situation and potential consequences. DON"T risk your life for "the cause" and become a Martyr. It's not worth it. Why? Best case scenario is your family is okay with it and life continues on as normal. It's not like your missing anything by not telling them. You can still get a boyfriend (If you want one), you can still listen to your music, watch your movies, hangout with your friends, play your video games, play your sports, etc while still living in the closet. There is no rush to do it. And there is no responsibility to do it.

TL;DR again :P ~ Follow what James said :)
MaGG6U2.jpg
I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God

#4

Houdinii

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Posted January 31, 2015 - 04:01 AM

Everyone has their own timeline of when the actual best time is. Some of us, myself specifically, chose to come out later in life knowing that it would not definitely work in my family situation. Others are able to come out at a  much younger age without much push back. You sound like you are somewhere in the middle. The important part to remember is you have support. There is a good chance that your family will surprise you with their reaction. Just because your pops makes seemingly homophobic remarks doesn't mean he's homophobic. There is also the chance that Mum knows more than she lets on. Moms always seem to know when something is going on with their sons. This, of course, doesn't mean run home waiving a rainbow flag... these things take time, patience, and planning. It is critical to remember that this is your life, your decision (to share), and you have every right to be selfish. This entire issue isn't about your parents in the slightest, instead it is one of your first adult moves, and a scary one at that. I know that doesn't answer your 'when' question, but that is in your control. If you're asking when now, then it won't be long. But to be completely honest, the answer to when is when it's time. Trust me, you'll know it.



#5 DannyC

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Posted May 06, 2015 - 07:58 PM

I have only came out to one person, and that is my aunt. My only problem is my dad is a little bit of a homophobe and makes jokes about gays. Some of my friends don't really support them, but they aren't homophobic. My sister is fine with them, my brother is almost like my dad, and my mom is a little weird-ed out by them. When is a safe time to come out to them? I'm afraid that if I tell them, they'll tell all of their friends. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, its just I don't want everybody to know until it is a safe time. When should I tell them?

Well if you don't mind someone younger saying someting to you then I would say don't tell anyone unless you want everyone else to know. I had confession and Father blankity blank told dad. I dont trust anyone with that anymore.



#6

jamessavik

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Posted May 06, 2015 - 08:29 PM

Well if you don't mind someone younger saying someting to you then I would say don't tell anyone unless you want everyone else to know. I had confession and Father blankity blank told dad. I dont trust anyone with that anymore.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you Danny. It's exceptionally rare and forbidden for a Priest to break the seal of the Confession.

 

 


The sacramental seal is inviolable.  Quoting Canon 983.1 of the Code of Canon Law, the Catechism states, “…It is a crime for a confessor in any way to betray a penitent by word or in any other manner or for any reason” (#2490).  A priest, therefore, cannot break the seal to save his own life, to protect his good name, to refute a false accusation, to save the life of another, to aid the course of justice (like reporting a crime), or to avert a public calamity.  He cannot be compelled by law to disclose a person’s confession or be bound by any oath he takes, e.g. as a witness in a court trial.  A priest cannot reveal the contents of a confession either directly, by repeating the substance of what has been said, or indirectly, by some sign, suggestion, or action.  A Decree from the Holy Office (November 18, 1682) mandated that confessors are forbidden, even where there would be no revelation direct or indirect, to make any use of the knowledge obtained in the confession that would “displease” the penitent or reveal his identity.

 

Therefore, from the time a person makes the sign of the cross and begins “Bless me father for I have sinned” to the last words of absolution, the information exchanged between the priest and the penitent is protected by the sacramental seal.  Even if a confession is made in a less formal atmosphere or in a less formal way, if a priest imparts absolution, what he absolves is under the sacramental seal never to be revealed by him.

 

For such a person to violate the secrecy of another person’s confession is a mortal sin and warrants “a just penalty, not excluding excommunication” (#1388.2).  Moreover, a person who falsely accuses a priest of breaking the seal of the confession incurs a mortal sin and perhaps other canonical penalties, including excommunication.

 

Your priest is in really big trouble. Complain to your Bishop. A priest can't just decide break the confidence of a confession. It undermines the entire structure of the church. In fact, you may have grounds for a substantial lawsuit.

 

Something similar happened to me. We were told just be honest. No one will get in trouble. It was a horrible lie and it destroyed people lives and drove one kid to suicide.


Edited by jamessavik, May 06, 2015 - 08:32 PM.

warning: not domesticated. Will bite and claw furniture.

_________________________________________________

=^._.^=


#7 DannyC

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Posted May 07, 2015 - 02:55 PM

I'm sorry that happened to you Danny. It's exceptionally rare and forbidden for a Priest to break the seal of the Confession.

 

 

 

Your priest is in really big trouble. Complain to your Bishop. A priest can't just decide break the confidence of a confession. It undermines the entire structure of the church. In fact, you may have grounds for a substantial lawsuit.

 

Something similar happened to me. We were told just be honest. No one will get in trouble. It was a horrible lie and it destroyed people lives and drove one kid to suicide.

I have to be really careful Mr Savik because life will get more tough. Thank you though. I am glad I am not the only one. Sorry for your friend.

 

Danny


Edited by DannyC, May 07, 2015 - 04:07 PM.


#8

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Posted October 17, 2015 - 10:21 AM

I came to this post to look for some advice and support and this page has been very Helpful!

 

Danny I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope for the best.

 

Thanks guys!



#9 Former Member

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Posted June 28, 2016 - 01:07 PM

Well, other than my boyfriend, and the internet (and online friends) I didn't really tell anyone that I'm bisexual. Ever. I've read through this thread, to see if anyone had any bright ideas. Well, I think I'll stay away from telling anyone in reality. :)
Nice day to everyone.

#10

William King

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Posted June 29, 2016 - 02:41 AM

Dan The Outcast,
that's OK too, nobody has to come out, but equally nobody should have to hide or be forced to deny their sexuality. But it's not a perfect world, so you do whatever you feel safe and comfortable with and remember you are not alone, even if sometimes it might feel like you are.

The most important thing is that you enjoy your life :)

William.

5x7tiu.jpg


#11 Former Member

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Posted June 29, 2016 - 08:02 AM

Well I do...Most of the time :) Thank you. :)
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#12

MrM

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Posted June 29, 2016 - 08:21 AM

Well, other than my boyfriend, and the internet (and online friends) I didn't really tell anyone that I'm bisexual. Ever. I've read through this thread, to see if anyone had any bright ideas. Well, I think I'll stay away from telling anyone in reality. :)
Nice day to everyone.

 

I can sympathize with the need to be careful. I was very careful. I was actually...too careful. I remained in my closet for 25 years. Through that time I grew up, was young, was somewhat successful, and ever alone except for my immediate family that only had unexpressed inklings of what I was. 

 

When my mother passed away in 2012 my reason for living died. I became suicidal but sought councel instead of death. My councelor helped me to pull forth my long buried True Self. She encouraged me to come out and I did so last year. My father, my last remaining member of my family that I am close to, accepted me when I was sure he wouldn't. I needed to be true to myself even at the expense of my only tie to my family. I was blessed that I didn't have to make the heartrending choice, but I know many others that have had to do that.

 

For these people I venerate thier courage. They are deserving of great praise.

 

In America this is Pride Month. I never understood it until this year how meaningful that is. Pride is the strength to be who you are despite terrorists, religious zealot family, institutionalized discrimination and oppression, pain and death. All of these things people from my generation and before suffered just because of their sexual orientation.

 

I enourage every young gay person to study the history of our 'kind' and then take pride in who you are. 

 

Your true colors are beautiful....like a rainbow. Let them shine!


gallery_26275_1414_16226.jpeg

 

"Let go of your lying eyes, Alexis. Believe again!" ~ Eros from The Seashell


#13 Former Member

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Posted June 29, 2016 - 08:32 AM

Beautiful. Well so far, I got to a few suicide attempts, with them ending with the miracle of my survival. Family ...I rather not use those words that could describe them. Point is, became an atheist, then in the times of my relationship breaking apart, heavy metal gave me comfort. Started playing guitar too. Made a band out of nothin, then before we would get to success, everyone left to existing big names... Anyway...Whatever I've done, planned all up to this day got ruined. After a long struggle with depression (which rages on even these days) I came to the decision, that even if the world wants to kill me, I'll keep fighting. No matter the failures, and wounds... Got a job, got the love of my dreams, got a relatively good life now, all that remains is to join the game. :)

#14

MrM

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Posted June 29, 2016 - 11:40 AM

Beautiful. Well so far, I got to a few suicide attempts, with them ending with the miracle of my survival. Family ...I rather not use those words that could describe them. Point is, became an atheist, then in the times of my relationship breaking apart, heavy metal gave me comfort. Started playing guitar too. Made a band out of nothin, then before we would get to success, everyone left to existing big names... Anyway...Whatever I've done, planned all up to this day got ruined. After a long struggle with depression (which rages on even these days) I came to the decision, that even if the world wants to kill me, I'll keep fighting. No matter the failures, and wounds... Got a job, got the love of my dreams, got a relatively good life now, all that remains is to join the game. :)

 

You are a living example of 'It gets better!!'


gallery_26275_1414_16226.jpeg

 

"Let go of your lying eyes, Alexis. Believe again!" ~ Eros from The Seashell


#15 Former Member

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Posted June 29, 2016 - 01:43 PM

I was doing my best. Obviously it wasn't always enough ,but who cares? I'm alive :) for real :) Nice day everyone :)


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#16

William King

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Posted January 28, 2017 - 05:01 PM


5x7tiu.jpg


#17

Emi GS

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Posted February 18, 2017 - 01:47 AM

I have only came out to one person, and that is my aunt. My only problem is my dad is a little bit of a homophobe and makes jokes about gays. Some of my friends don't really support them, but they aren't homophobic. My sister is fine with them, my brother is almost like my dad, and my mom is a little weird-ed out by them. When is a safe time to come out to them? I'm afraid that if I tell them, they'll tell all of their friends. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, its just I don't want everybody to know until it is a safe time. When should I tell them?


I was as afraid as you are and I haven't outed myself until now. Remember that I am 26. Lived in confusion, fear and even the understanding process of my life. And then I get an opinion, "Fuck! It's my life". And now I have confidence that I can live whatever it happened. My life, my sexuality is non of anyone's business. If they wanted to be with me, fine for me. They they have problem with me, I don't care about it.

Yes its your life. You'll get to live with it, whatever you do. So be sure, no one's matter if it comes to your life. Not your parents, not your friends and not even this society. Be that confident when you have got go with it.

Sometime, anytime, you have to tell the important people of your life how feel and what you were planning to live your life. But before that make sure that you can stand on your foot and proud. And you have someone who supports you. Even though it has gone south, don't think as it was your fault. But be strong. Give them the chance to understand. But don't let yourself suffer for other's views.

So time will come. Wait for it. And be prepared for it. And stand strong when its the right time. And don't let down yourself if it goes wrong. You'll know whom to trust and who'll understands you. Don't push them away. As you are still young, I don't think it is good idea. Wait until you are independent and don't get caught.

 

"Life Must Go On; Whether You 'LIKE' It or 'NOT'..." ~ Emi





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