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jamessavik

Spotting the red flags of abusive relationships

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Sometimes, being gay (of any queer nature), we're most likely thinking...no one will love me like so-and-so will...so we stay, hoping that our needs are met. I used to think that I was selfish, that I had so many wants. I think, the wants were actually needs.

 

The social aspect of any relationship, those are your needs, not just your wants. We can be lonely creatures, and sometimes it's fine with alone time, but we can't entirely isolate ourselves from the world. Just plain cruel. Whether emotional or physical, it's still abuse. Ultimately, it's our choice to move away and pursue happiness in a more healthier light.

 

THERE WILL BE SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR ME. WE WILL CONNECT. Believe. Be strong. Thanks for posting!

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James,

 

Thanks for shining a spotlight on this story. I think its worth a read by everyone and with the Younglings in particular.

 

I'll be interested to see what psychological abuse the abusive character does. That is often the most powerful of the attacks.

 

My abuser never laid a hand on me, but she enthralled me to her will with guilt, confidence errosion and threats of suicide. She abused my good nature and my love to satisfy her depression addled needs. She made me enable her to continue a downward spiral that took us both down in to the pit. Alas, I only found freedom when she passed away of COPD. She was my mom.

 

This kind of attack is passive-aggresive and always comes with a 'what are you doing to me' attitude on the abusers part. 

Its kind of like the old Jewish Mother joke, but its much subtler than that. 

 

If you ever find yourself questioning your own worth, or you consider yourself a terrible person constantly although you have never done anything to give anyone reason to think that of you, you may need to talk to someone.  They need to be someone outside of your bonded relationship with the person causing you to feel this way. A Councelor or Therapist would be ideal, but also a friend who might be 'worried about you'. They see things that you won't see because you will have been blinded to them by your abuser. It is difficult, because just like the physical abuser, the emotional abuser will try to isolate you. That will acutally be the first thing they do. I talked to my doctor and she hooked me into Therapy so that the damage done could be reversed. It has worked wonders as I am no longer lost and suicidal.

Just remember that you are a person too and you deserve a chance to be happy! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone have that kind of power over who you are, no matter what their relationship to you is.

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I stumbled onto this thread and immediatly went the story as James has never led me astray with his recomendations.  I have to whole heartedly agree with his views and those of the others that have posted here.  Abuse and self demeaning are very dificult things to get a handle on and understand.  I have never been abused, but I have hidden in the closet my whole life and have felt the effect of self blame. Fortunately, I finally opened up with the truth to a couple of people very close to me and lucked out that they both understood and have stood by me during both the good and bad times.  This story shows very much the cycle of domestic abuse and the possible outcomes.  It is imperative for beople in these situations to seek help.  Help can come from many directions, but NEVER from the abuser.  If you find yourself in this situation PLEASE seek help. A counsler, the police, friends. and even family or clergy if you feel good with them.  Your safety and happiness are at stake!!!

 

Thank You James for starting this thread. I hope it helps someone.   Well Done!!

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The thing is.. for me at least and probably many others that it has become a pattern. I've never had a non abusive relationship with a guy. 

I hope to break this pattern and some point but it will take time and it's not just something to change over night. Not for me at least. 

 

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I am sorry to read that @Jsgo.

Do you have any idea why you keep getting in relationships with the wrong guys?

Understanding that may help breaking the pattern...

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1 minute ago, Freerider said:

I am sorry to read that @Jsgo.

Do you have any idea why you keep getting in relationships with the wrong guys?

Understanding that may help breaking the pattern...

 

I know why I do it but it doesn't make it less difficult to break my old habits. At least I'm clean now and of the streets so the I kinda hope this site will help me through the next step and deal with my thoughts 

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2 minutes ago, Jsgo said:

 

I know why I do it but it doesn't make it less difficult to break my old habits. At least I'm clean now and of the streets so the I kinda hope this site will help me through the next step and deal with my thoughts 

I never said it would be easy ;)

Your response gave me some insight in your past life. I think you will find people here are willing to listen if you reach out. You may even be surprised that some have gone through some of the same experiences.

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I know you didn't. I just don't think a lot of people realise how difficult it can be to get up and move on.

 

yeah I'm quite stunned how nice people are here. And I've only been here for about 24 hrs lol :)

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2 minutes ago, Jsgo said:

I know you didn't. I just don't think a lot of people realise how difficult it can be to get up and move on.

 

yeah I'm quite stunned how nice people are here. And I've only been here for about 24 hrs lol :)

Hehe, yes it keeps us coming back here all the time. Oh and the stories of course ;)

Are you already in contact with people that have lived lifes possibly very close to your own? If not, PM me and I can point you to a few users that may be of value to you (I prefer not to do this here in public).

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Based on some of the cases I've seen, the abused sometimes evolve to become abusers in the future.

 

Sadly, it becomes a template of how to live their lives. And if majority of their life was patterned on abusive relationships, it's either they will become abusive to others as well, or worse, they are very vulnerable to the abuse of other people. Their self worth it radically twisted and they will have a lot of self-hate and unforgiveness for themselves. Sadly, healing the wounds would really take a lot of time and they needed to be guided with love so that they will be able to overcome the wounds of abuse.

 

First things first, the abused should first get out of the abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship right now, then asking help would be the hardest thing to do. The mindset of the abused is so battered that asking for help will be hard. But from there, it will slowly start to be easier.

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Abusive behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere. 

 

If you know what to look for, you can see that it starts small and escalated as it is allowed to. 

 

Look out for the behaviors in the video. They won't just go away and may become intolerable.

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if only i had seen this in the fall of 1982, it may have made me aware of what was happening sooner.

 

i was "on my own" away at college, it was a chance to start over.  no one knew who i was there.  and he was the starting running back for the football team.  he thought i was sexy, and made me feel so good.

until the controlling started, and the name calling, and the hurting...

 

it's easy to get sucked in, and i hope the video helps someone 

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I had one abusive relationship many years ago. I always said I was too smart to be abused. Not so!

My abuse was verbal. Any abuse is horrendous. That relationship ended the day he went to strike for the first time. I was broken before him. It only got worse with every slur and put down. It starts out with defending and snowballs. Biggest advice, never isolate from friends. They will help save you!!

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