I could use some advice about chasing a guy

[Aceinthehole]

So I asked my friends about this but they haven't exactly given the most helpful advice. 

 

It's kind of a long story so I'll try and keep it short. Home on thanksgiving break I was messing around with tinder (for those of you who don't know it's a mobile dating/hook up app) and stumbled upon an account I thought was an old friend's from middle school (profile picture was blank). I had a semi-crush on him growing up, and decided I'd just find him on instagram or facebook instead (because tinder is well, tinder!). As luck would have it I find him and message him.  We have a pretty good time messaging each other and he suggests we even meet up some time. I happily agree but due to going to school a state away have to wait a good 2-3 weeks before it's possible. 

 

Later that night through some facebook stalking I find out that the tinder account wasn't his. Now I wish I could've ended the crush there, and waived him off as straight, but the complicated thing is he's easily one of those guys who could be gay or straight. A few friends helped go through his account as well and walked away scratching their heads. 

 

Now up until this point I was like whatever I have no real hint that he's gay. Until last night when I had a question about some stupid nonsense. I started off saying "Sorry to bug you but blah blah blah." his response "You could never bug me, I always enjoy talking to you." He even dragged on the conversation a little bit longer after I tried to end it. 

 

Before you tell me I'm a complete basket case, don't worry, I already know that. But I just get this weird gut feeling that's driving up the wall! This week was the first time talking to him in 8 years, and yet that message and the conversation following just felt like those 8 years never happened. 

 

Like I said, I know I'm totally being crazy over this. But I have a bad track record of falling for straight guys and walking away pretty bummed out, so this time I'm trying to be careful but at the same time, well, you can probably tell how in my own head I am right now. 

 

I'd love to hear any advice or help any of you can offer!

[Cia]

Feelings based on crushes, especially young teen crushes, are rarely very accurate. I happen to think, though, that you shouldn't approach people (guys for you if you're gay) simply as if they have the potential to be a romantic interest. That limits you so much! Friends are very important for our social and mental health, if not our libido. If he's gay or straight, I'm sure you'll find out over the course of getting to know him again, especially if you're able/willing to talk about your own sexuality if the question of dating or anything comes up as you reconnect. 

 

So... yeah. My advice: Don't be so focused on a person's potential as a romantic partner only and just get to know him. 

[Mikiesboy]

I agree ... go in with eyes open, don't look for romance yet, rekindle the friendship and then see where it takes you. The wider the net, the more you catch.  All the best!

[FormerMember4]

I think you have nothing to lose with a friendship. Don't be hooked on the dating aspect. There's some remarks that can be taken as he's at least bi. Try leading a convo in direction of dating, and open up about yourself. Break the ice with one of your stories. Good luck.

[Aceinthehole]

@Cia @Mikiesboy @BlindAmbition        

 

Thanks everyone! I hadn't really thought about how ahead of myself I was getting. I think it's a really good idea for me to calm myself down, and just reconnect with an old friend for a while. I mean like I said we have 8 years to catch up on. I'm sure at some point over the next few weeks/months dating will come up and I'll have my answer.

[Puppilull]

Ok, I'm an old, married woman who hasn't dated in longer than you've been alive. Don't know why I even try this... But I have friends who are younger, so I'm not totally out of touch.  

 

I agree in principle about the being friends advice. One thing I've noticed, though, is young people seem so hesitant to fall in love these days. They have so many friends, but when faced with a potential romantic relationship they start thinking if it's "right". As a result, they don't take a chance. So, what I try to tell them is to take that chance. Be open that you are interested romantically. Of course, a bit of snooping beforehand to find out the basics (such as are they single, do they prefer guys or girls...) can be good. But don't wait too long before asking someone out on a proper date. Don't miss that initial curious phase when you both feel that need to get closer. You might end up out of synch, finding it difficult to be at the same stage in life at the same time. 

[Aceinthehole]

31 minutes ago, Puppilull said:

Ok, I'm an old, married woman who hasn't dated in longer than you've been alive. Don't know why I even try this... But I have friends who are younger, so I'm not totally out of touch.  

 

I agree in principle about the being friends advice. One thing I've noticed, though, is young people seem so hesitant to fall in love these days. They have so many friends, but when faced with a potential romantic relationship they start thinking if it's "right". As a result, they don't take a chance. So, what I try to tell them is to take that chance. Be open that you are interested romantically. Of course, a bit of snooping beforehand to find out the basics (such as are they single, do they prefer guys or girls...) can be good. But don't wait too long before asking someone out on a proper date. Don't miss that initial curious phase when you both feel that need to get closer. You might end up out of synch, finding it difficult to be at the same stage in life at the same time. 

 

I think your perspective was really helpful. I'll definitely be careful in not becoming too much of a friend that I miss that curiosity phase as you put it (afterall that's my favorite part of dating. The nights staying awake wondering about the other person, or getting really excited just to say hi to them). You really do raise good points. Plus old is a strong word, you seem plenty young to me!

[Daddydavek]

Cia's advice is sound in my opinion.  Although I am almost thirty years older than Puppilull, her advice to be open to the possibility and to be unafraid to take a chance is also spot on.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained is still true.  So don't be closed mouth about your own sexuality and see how he responds to the news that you are gay.  You could even preface your remarks by stating to him in private, "I don't want you to be embarrassed by finding out in a surprising or shocking situation, but I'm gay and I hope that doesn't prevent us from being friends."  Then see how he reacts.  Hiding who you are is never a good recipe for building a relationship, whether its just friendship or something more.  

[Aceinthehole]

5 hours ago, Daddydavek said:

Cia's advice is sound in my opinion.  Although I am almost thirty years older than Puppilull, her advice to be open to the possibility and to be unafraid to take a chance is also spot on.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained is still true.  So don't be closed mouth about your own sexuality and see how he responds to the news that you are gay.  You could even preface your remarks by stating to him in private, "I don't want you to be embarrassed by finding out in a surprising or shocking situation, but I'm gay and I hope that doesn't prevent us from being friends."  Then see how he reacts.  Hiding who you are is never a good recipe for building a relationship, whether its just friendship or something more.  

 

More great advice. Being upfront with my sexuality could at the least show that I trust him. I also agree, when I get the chance to take my shot I'll definitely shoot it.

[Former Member]

Besides all the stories here about the straight guy who falls for just the right guy can’t all be fantasies, can they?  ;-)

[MrM]

Adding my peculiar angle on things, I'll give my mystic's impressions:

 

I do not know for what purpose your stars have aligned again but it was no coincidence that you just 'happened' to find someone on Tinder that you thought might be your old friend form 8 years ago, that you then found again through research, and were able to make such a solid reconnection with him -  despite the fact that this guy was NOT the guy from Tinder. I see breadcrumbs that were laid down for you to follow to find him again.

 

Whether it be for erotic love or for filial love there is a strong sense in me that you two were fated to return to each other's lives. As all the other's have said, embrace all possibilities as possible and validate them with your truth: your sexual orientaion and awereness. You are not the boy you once were. You are more. So will he be. Expectations may be different than when you were children. You may find a more fulfilling relationship with him whether it be love or friendship. 

 

Good luck and blessings.

I hope in faith that you have found someone again who is very important.

[Aceinthehole]

8 hours ago, droughtquake said:

Besides all the stories here about the straight guy who falls for just the right guy can’t all be fantasies, can they?  ;-)

 

The stories have to be based on something I suppose 

[Aceinthehole]

3 hours ago, MrM said:

Adding my peculiar angle on things, I'll give my mystic's impressions:

 

I do not know for what purpose your stars have aligned again but it was no coincidence that you just 'happened' to find someone on Tinder that you thought might be your old friend form 8 years ago, that you then found again through research, and were able to make such a solid reconnection with him -  despite the fact that this guy was NOT the guy from Tinder. I see breadcrumbs that were laid down for you to follow to find him again.

 

Whether it be for erotic love or for filial love there is a strong sense in me that you two were fated to return to each other's lives. As all the other's have said, embrace all possibilities as possible and validate them with your truth: your sexual orientaion and awereness. You are not the boy you once were. You are more. So will he be. Expectations may be different than when you were children. You may find a more fulfilling relationship with him whether it be love or friendship. 

 

Good luck and blessings.

I hope in faith that you have found someone again who is very important.

 

Thank you, I really enjoyed reading this post. It'd certainly be nice to be important to one another again, even if it is just as friends.