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James Hiwatari

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About James Hiwatari

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    Bisexual, leaning male
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    Glasgow, UK
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    I write stories, draw my characters, and compose/perform music for them. I like languages. And messing with people's expectations makes my day, particularly when it comes to gender-related stuff.

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  1. Scene 07

    3rd January, 1995 Dear Diary of Contrived Coincidences, You and your mouth! (page?) You did it again! Just because we were talking about overstaying my welcome, I found a house in the middle of the forest! I'm sort of hiding from it now. It's right in the middle of my path. The river I've been using as my guide goes straight through it. And I can't just walk around the house's perimeter because 1) it's huge 2) the area round it is kind of slopy, and my feet are tired enough without me going uphill. At least this means I'm going in the right direction - I'm heading towards the triple frontier between the fairy forest, the giant mountains, and the shape-shifter deserts. If this is the beginning of the mountains, the desert can't be too far ahead. But that's assuming I can get through this part of the forest. I'm not supposed to contact any other fairy now. Mum would have spread the message that a tainted fairy is roaming the forests, so the people living here are probably expecting me to come by. They won't go as far as killing me for trespassing, but technically everything else is fair game. I'm going to stay hidden until nightfall. I could use the rest anyway. I don't think I walked this much every day since... I don't think I ever walked this much. I never needed to. I'm going to wait here, sitting nicely on this branch hidden by foliage, and wait until nobody can see anything. Then I'll jump through that fence and dash through the house, hopefully without destroying their garden or stomping on their pretty flowers. Sounds like a plan, doesn't it? Then wish me luck, because I'm even worse at running than I am at walking.
  2. Scene 06

    3rd January 1995 Dear Diary of the Bad Influence, I can’t stand this anymore! I tried to ignore you until you stopped giving me bad thoughts, but all it did was make me think about things even more! I tried everything: hid you deep inside my backpack, hid the backpack under a pile of leaves, made a song about how wrong you are. And yet, now I’m convinced my step-father worked for the same demon who took away dad. That dad somehow miraculously survived the last 14 years and is waiting for me to rescue him. You see, my step-father wasn’t evil after all – he just wanted to guide me to dad. They were working together. But now that I killed him, I ruined their plan. I’m sorry I failed you too, dad. That’s what you were trying to tell me yesterday, wasn’t it, Dear Diary? I mean, as much as you can tell me anything… I haven’t forgiven you yet, though. I still think you’re here to make me have bad thoughts. So I’ll be more careful about the amount of time I spend with you. I managed one whole day before I missed your company. Maybe after I’m done here I can find a way to stand another one. It’s not like I’m going to be bored. I think I’m somewhere close to the end of the forest now. The trees aren’t as close together, the cacophony of bird songs that followed me until now is losing a few layers, and the air smells different. It’s not all damp, rotting forest air anymore. I can’t tell what this new scent is, but my guess would be that someone made a deep fried dinner that ended up setting their house on fire. I can’t see any smoke, though, and no animals are running away in panic, so I should be safe. I took the map out again before I talked to you. If I’m following my directions all right, the next non-fairy town is about 50 km away. That’s technically reachable in a day if I do nothing but walk. Though if the last two days taught me anything, it’s that walking seems to be my lowest priority in this journey. I take an hour break for every hour I walk, or even more. At this rate, I might end up spending the whole month in the forest… Maybe I should stop being lazy and carry on? It’s not that I don’t like the forest – it’s easy enough to find food, water, and shelter, though the mosquitoes could leave me alone – but I can’t stay in fairy territory more than I absolutely have to. I’m not welcomed here anymore. I shouldn’t stretch my luck. I’ll get moving, then. If you keep behaving, I might talk to you again later today.
  3. Scene 05

    2nd January 1995 Dear Diary of Self-doubt, I spent the last hour up in my tree-bed staring at leaves and thinking about what you said. Well, what you made me say. It's tempting to think that I just did what I had to do, that if I hadn't killed my step-father, things would've been worse for me. But I can't — I can't allow myself to think that murder is a solution. That it’s justified. I've lost my powers, but I'm still a fairy. Ending one's life is never justified. Even if he said he had been waiting for the opportunity for years. If he sought out our family so that he would one day take us to his demon boss. I think about the 12 years he lived with us. The 12 years he loved us and we loved him. Then I think of the 10, 20 minutes that turned him into a monster and led to his death. I still can't make sense of it. Was that the real him all along? Did we live a lie for 12 years? Or did something else happen, something he couldn't control...? There's no point imagining that now. He's dead. It doesn't matter. Maybe he had been kidnapped too, and exchanged freedom for the task of bringing other fairies to fill his place. Maybe it was the same demon who took my father, and they wanted the rest of the family to join him. Which means I would've met my father again if I had let Morumpi take me. No, that's impossible! Even if it was the same demon, dad has been gone for 14 years. He can't still be alive. Nobody lasts more than a year in the demons' clutches. Or so they say... You're making me have bad thoughts again. I should've known you would be a bad influence on me! I'm not going to talk to you again until you learn to behave!
  4. Scene 04

    2nd January, 1995 Dear As Yet Unnamed Diary, The sun is just appearing between the trees, so there's finally enough light for me to write. My improvised bed held on well. As hard as it was to build, at least it was worth it. Things would've been so much easier if I could just ask the trees for help like I used to, but I managed anyway. I didn't plunge to my death mid-sleep, so I consider that a success. I woke up long before the sun rose, though. I dreamed about yesterday. My step-father's face was everywhere, his grin turned to surprise turned to fear when I fought back his hold on me. The only difference was that, in the dream, mum arrived in time to save both of us. She reasoned with my step-father in a way that I couldn't. She made him realise he was making a mistake working for the demons. My step-father fell on his knees. Asked for forgiveness. He loved his family, and would renounce his old boss to be with us. We forgave him, and our family became happy and whole again. It's now almost a day since everything happened. You made me feel a bit better yesterday with the jokes about your name, but the dream dispelled whatever little light I had. I don't think I'm ready to describe everything that happened yet. It'll make everything so much more... real... in a way that even losing my powers can't match. But I want to do it. As much as it hurts, I can't allow myself to forget it, to pretend killing another fairy wasn't horrible, gruesome, and my worst regret. One day, years from now, when I manage to rebuild my life somewhere away from the forest, I want to look back to the things I wrote in here. I want to be able to remember everything that happened. I have to carry my crime with me for the rest of my life, no matter where I end up. So soon I'll write it all down before the details go away. I don't think I'll be ready for it when the time comes, but then... Will I ever be ready? Yesterday, I didn't give my step-father a chance to rethink what he was doing. Morumpi Matamatá died a traitor, a misguided fairy who thought serving the demons lords who enslaved us would lead him to greatness. I should've found another way to change his mind. Like our Mother Deity teaches us: we can change anything as long as we live. Only death is permanent. I'm sorry I didn't give him a chance of redemption. But I panicked. He said horrible things and tried to take me away and I — I had to defend myself. That's not wrong, is it? I didn't want to be taken away like my father. All I could think back then was that I couldn't end up like dad. I couldn't let him do that no matter what. But then it got out of control, and I lost everything anyway. I'm going to stop writing now. You're making me wonder if I did the right thing in the end.
  5. Scene 01

    The story is beginning to take shape now, I hope you like the way it's going so far. The good thing about diary entries is that the character can write their innermost thoughts and say things they wouldn't necessarily say to another person. The downside is that they need to be aware of their emotions as they write... or at least be aware of having confusing/conflicting thoughts. And they need to be ready to talk about whatever it is they're writing about. It's almost like a written therapy session. And it can mean that the character in question needs a bit of distancing before they can tell details of their most traumatic experiences. And because this is the first comment for the story, you get a special picture of Nessa celebrating Christmas:
  6. Scene 03

    1st January 1995 Dear Diary, This is the last time I'll write today. The sun is setting, it won't be long until it's too dark to see your pages. I'm scared of the night. Though not because of the darkness. I'm a big girl, those things don't scare me anymore. The silence does. I'm not used to silence. To not having friends listening to my ramblings and making me laugh. To not having my family being loud and playing pranks on each other. I can still hear birds. The wind. There's a water stream nearby. And mosquitoes have been buzzing in my ears since I made a bed on the tree tops. But it's not the same thing. Those were the sounds of my home too. I can't bear to hear them and not hear mum's laughter, or my brother's endless ramblings about shape-shifter superheroes, or my step-father's cooking lessons as he made us dinner. I wish he would teach me to make something tasty out of fruits and leaves. Everything here reminds me of home. Of the good times I'll never have again. And it's only going to get worse in the dark. I killed the man who used to tuck me in at night. Who read me books and made me ice cream and taught me how to build the leaf bed I'll spend the night on. I don't think I really understand that he's dead. That I was the one who killed him. Or that he tried to kill me first. Someday I'll write all of this down. I'll try to make sense of it. But for now I have to lock the memories away, or I'll have much more than silence haunting me tonight. I hope you understand. You're going to be my only friend for a long time, I don't want to annoy you. The sun is sinking really fast. Quick, tell me a joke! Do something amusing! I must be losing my mind if I'm giving orders to a diary... Who are you, anyway? I found you under a pile of old books and I couldn't remember where I got you from. A forgotten birthday gift? Sounds like the kind of thing younger me would do. Why bother with a blank book when I got so many dolls and dresses? But you look too old to be a gift to me. Your cover is faded, even falling apart in places. I'm writing on yellowed pages. Maybe you belonged to mum at some point? I should give you a name. If you're going to be my only social life for the foreseeable future, that's the least I can do. How about ‘Bob the Book’? No? Yeah, I think it sucks too. ‘Diana the Diary?’ It has a better ring to it... Your blank face tells me nothing. Honestly, grow a spine already! Look, you got me to make jokes! Sorry if they’re horrible. But it’s good to feel some part of myself coming back. It’s now too dark to see what I'm writing. But thanks to you I'm not so scared of the night anymore.
  7. Scene 2

    1st January 1995 I don't have a home anymore. I just left the house I grew up in. Silent, hidden, shamed by the knowledge that I was the one who destroyed it. His eyes followed me into the forest. Those empty, lifeless eyes. Staring from behind bushes, tree tops. Like how he hid behind the jacaranda tree next to my room and waited until I was alone to attack me. I shouldn't think about that. The wind is blowing stronger now. It's a relief from the warmth of the midday sun, but the whistling of the leaves in its wake sounds like mum's cries when she found us. A minute too late. She cried for her husband on the ground. Her life disintegrated in front of her eyes just as my own wings crumbled to dark, lifeless dust. 'Why?' she asked over and over. 'You killed him! How could you?' My voice left me with my wings. I cried too. Grief. Horror. But most of all, unwelcome relief. Mum's tears turned to an angry, steady tone that froze the trees around us. 'Go. You don't belong here. You're no longer my daughter.' That was when I ran, found you and grabbed a few useful things out of my room. That was 3 hours ago. I'm out of the town's boundaries with just a diary, a change of clothes, and a map to guide me to wherever I'm supposed to go next. Mum, I've found my voice again. I know you won’t read this, but maybe the forest will carry my message if I say it loud enough. I loved your husband. He was like a father to me. But something changed him - or maybe he was pretending all along? He wanted to take me away from you. To the demons. When he came for me, I thought I would be the one laying on the ground with a broken neck. And I didn't... I couldn't let it happen. It doesn't make me any less of a killer. But I hope you understand I didn't want to do this. One moment his hand was on my throat, and the next... No, I don't understand why either. But it doesn't matter now. I'll keep moving forward. And hopefully so will you.
  8. A Fairy Out of Her Tale

    Nessa is a fairy who lost all her powers when she killed another fairy. She can no longer be considered a fairy, and is thus expelled from her home and her family. Now, she has to build a new life in exile, but she can't let go of her past or shake off the guilt from what she did. Things only get worse when she realises the worst war in living memory is about to break out, and she is at the centre of it. If she wants to see this war to the end, Nessa will have to learn to put her past behind her and trust her new friends, but can she really pretend she's anything but a murderer?
  9. Scene 01

    1st January 1995 I killed my step-father. Me, a fairy, guardian of all living things, just took away a life. My punishment: our Mother Deity stripped me of my wings, my power, my right to be a fairy. Nothing I don't deserve. And I have one hour to disappear. Where to, I don't know. I just can’t be with other fairies anymore - I’ll taint them. I'm now sitting on my bed with this diary on my lap and my body hunched over it because I can't see my own handwriting. It's hard to understand those scrabbles when my hand shakes so much and tears mess up the ink. But I can't stop writing. I'm wasting the time I should use to pack my things. I should be taking one last look at the bedroom where I grew up, and where until minutes ago the body of a man who had taken care of me for twelve years lay with a broken neck and bulging empty eyes. My life as the the High Priestess's first born started and ended here. I should be sucking up everything about this place to burn it in my memory. Instead, my eyes are glued to this page. The words pour from my pen. Harshly, panicked. Torn. I've lost my right to talk to other fairies, so now this is all I have. You are my confidant. My new best friend. My only way to understand my own feelings when my world is falling apart and I... I want to cry on mum's lap, have her tell me everything is going to be fine and kiss my forehead. I want the safety of her embrace. Her soothing words of reassurance. Of hope. But I'll never see her again. My time is almost up. I don't know where I'm going or what to take with me. I have to wander through the forest until I leave Floresfada, our fairy land. When I get to the other side... I don't even know what is in there. At the moment I'm not even sure I'll get that far. Particularly if I don't put this diary down right now and start packing useful survival things. I'll go in a moment. Oh Mother Deity of all fairies and our nature, please hear the last plea of a former humble servant no longer worthy of your compassion. Please watch over my mother and brother, the family that is left after my unforgivable act, and give them the strength to rebuild their lives. Please spare them from the shame of sharing their blood with a killer. They did nothing wrong. It was all my fault. I'm not ready, but I must go.
  10. I have a Patreon page now! Yay!


    And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the stories I post here. I'm going to update The Orchestra before the end of the month. I've just been, again, side-tracked by computer problems (which I miraculously managed to solve almost on my own, so... yay!??). 


    But in the meantime, if you're curious you can check this out: https://www.patreon.com/jameshiwatari
    And I can probably make some kind of comment about more patrons make for a more inspired and motivated author to get even more frequent updates... ;)

  11. 59 - Words

    And Gunni isn't done suffering with hormones yet... otherwise where would I find personal drama for him? Dmitri would certainly welcome you on his bed any time too! What a coincidence! And Siggi... He's just a mess. A fun mess to write about, but still a mess. Next chapter will be a blast... Thanks for commenting!
  12. 59 - Words

    “Then maybe you should get to know me for who I am. You might find other things you like.” I walked away from the conversation not because of Siggi’s hostility, but because I would get angry if I stayed. It wasn’t a feeling I was used to. I shouldn’t have built so much hope on Siggi’s willingness to help Dmitri. I should’ve known he would think of hurting me first and giving practical advice second. It was frustrating, like talking to a wall. But what else could I have done? I couldn’t deal with Dmitri anymore, not in this current obsessive state of his. But I couldn’t just walk away or break up, because I knew this wasn’t the real him, the person I liked enough to date even though I didn’t have any romantic feelings for him. I didn’t go back to the rehearsal room straight away. I couldn’t let the others see my frustration. The Harpa’s glass walls showed me a cloudy and windy day outside. Maybe a short walk in the fresh air would help me clear my head. The cold wind sent my hair all over the place and chilled me to the bone. I hadn’t brought my jacket, so I only had a thin cotton shirt and a hoodie to protect me from the elements. But that meant that my anger quickly froze away, replaced by a need for hot chocolate. It was a lot easier to forgive Siggi when I was standing on the harbour, smelling salt water and fish, and for some reason having the third movement of Tchaikovsky’s Pathetic Symphony blaring in my head. Siggi had been just as frustrated as I was, really. His best friend was ignoring him, refusing to do the things that brought them together, to instead spend time with his worst enemy. I couldn’t blame him for trying to get back at me. But, as frustrated as he was, he wasn’t doing anything to solve the problem. He hadn’t been able to, and had given up. He even moved back to his old home so he wouldn’t see Dmitri and me together. That meant that the only one who could get the two to be friends again was me. I would have to make Dmitri realise what he was doing to Siggi and what he was doing to me. But I would definitely not follow Siggi’s advice and be a horrible person, though. I would find another way. Siggi had said that Dmitri wasn’t sleeping with him anymore, or with anyone else, because of how I felt about sex. This should be my starting point, then. If I could make Dmitri understand that I was fine with him having sex, and that I didn’t want him to become asexual like me for the sake of our relationship, maybe that would be enough to make them close again. How would I do it, though? Would just saying this to him be enough? Or would I have to pretend I was in some sort of sexual mood and hope he copied me? But that would be like lying to him. He didn’t deserve that. If I had been indoors, my face would be burning with all those thoughts, but the winds kept my entire body closer to freezing. I would have to talk to Dmitri about sex again, and somehow bring his libido back without actually doing anything like that with him. “Are you going to do us all a favour and jump in the water?” I didn’t have to turn around to know Siggi was approaching me from behind. I kept looking at the sea and answered loud enough so he could hear me through the wind. “No. I’m trying to help Dmitri.” I saw Siggi standing next to me from the corner of my eyes. “Like I said, jump and it’s all sorted.” “Actually, no, it wouldn’t be.” I turned to face Siggi this time. The cold helped me keep a calm, steady tone, but the frustrating feelings from our last conversation came back alarmingly quickly. “Dmitri would suffer. He would’ve lost the most important person in his life, and considering how obsessive he has been, I don’t know if he would recover or move on. And he would be angry at you because you were the one telling me to jump. He’s going to blame you for this, and he’ll never forgive you. And then Dmitri will never be your friend again.” Siggi stared at me like I grew an extra head. “Whatever.” “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” My voice came out as cold as the wind. Siggi seemed even more surprised than me. “I came here because that’s where I go when people are being annoying arseholes. Thanks for stealing even that from me.” “You can take your spot back, I’m not making any claims on it.” I should’ve felt bad that Siggi was annoyed because of our conversation, and then be forced to face me again. But since I was annoyed with him too, I ended up just feeling sorry for him. “I only came here to cool down so I wouldn’t explode in your face.” “You? Explode? Now that’s something I can’t imagine.” “And if it’s up to me you’ll never have to. I know you get triggered by anger, so I’m doing my best to not let your insults get to me.” Siggi made a weird face at me again. “Are you, really? Am I getting on your nerves that much?” “What do you think?” I snarled, despite my best efforts. Siggi stepped back, but didn’t seem scared of me yet. “Sorry.” I took a deep breath. As annoyed as I was, Siggi didn’t deserve to be triggered. “See? The things you say to me… they hurt. They hurt a lot. And I know that’s what you want, and that hurts even more. I’ve cried because of you before. I couldn’t understand why you hated me so much when I hadn’t done anything to you. And I’ve cried because no matter what I did, you never changed your mind.” Siggi wanted to say something, but I didn’t let him. The wind blew stronger, forcing me to speak louder to be heard. Thankfully it also dried my eyes, so revisiting the pain of the last half-a-year didn’t end up in tears. “But I think I’m done crying because of you now. You can insult me as much as you want, I don’t care. I thought that no matter how much you hated me, your feelings for Dmitri were stronger. I thought you would be sensible enough to throw your feelings for me aside when I asked for help with your best friend, but I still got the same insults, the same childish need to see me suffer no matter what I’m doing. I can see now that even if you spend the rest of your life calling me a child, the one who needs to grow up is you.” This time, Siggi didn’t know what to say. His eyes widened, he scowled, and bit his lip. He tried to look away, but when he noticed I wasn’t moving, he turned back. I wasn’t angry, despite my words, and he probably felt that. The more I talked, the more I pitied him instead. “And you know what the most surprising part of this is? That even though I realise now you’re childish, vindictive, and immature, I can’t get rid of that image of you I’ve had since the first time I saw you playing with the ISO. I still think of you mostly a that guy who can play so well it makes my heart melt, who can be as gentle or as daring as the music demands. I see that part of you every day in the concert hall, and I know you have it in you to be like that without your cello too.” I thought Siggi wouldn’t have anything to say again, but it was his turn to surprise me. “You’re not the first to tell me this. You nice people tend to set your hopes up too high.” “You just called me ‘nice’.” “Aren’t you?” He shouted too, though I had heard him fine before, even with the wind. “You’re the poster boy of niceness: cute, quiet, perfect in every sense. Do you want to know why I hate you so much? Why I want you out of here and on the first plane back to wherever you came from?” “Because I keep taking things away from you?” Siggi’s eyes widened again. His lip shook. “You always take away the things I care about. Arnar, Dmitri, even this spot. My life would’ve been a lot easier if you didn’t exist.” “I know.” I stared at Siggi waiting to see what he would do next. I hadn’t expected him to be so open about his feelings. He was hurting, and I couldn’t get angry or annoyed at him once I realised that. “Then why don’t you go away?” “Because as much as I love you, I can’t give up my dreams for you.” “You love me now? That much?” He laughed, though it had no humour in it. “You definitely don’t do anything to deserve it.” I nodded and risked a smile. This seemed to freak Siggi out, though that made me smile more. “But I guess it’s one of those things I can’t control. Just like how Dmitri can’t control his feelings for me. Which is why I’m doing my best to make sure his love doesn’t ruin his life or his relationship with his best friend.” “And so you make this to be about Dmitri again. Nice move.” “I don’t think there’s anything else for us to talk about. You know my feelings for you, I know yours, and we won’t change each other’s minds.” I stepped towards Siggi. I wanted to reach out and touch his face, clear away the loose hairs that the wind blew over his eyes and mouth, but I knew he would never let me. So I tried to fix my own hair instead. “But before I go back inside, I want you to know that I’ll do everything I can to bring Dmitri back to you. I won’t let him be another thing I stole from your life.” “Good luck with that.” “I hope you mean it.” Siggi put his hands in his pockets and looked towards the grey sky. “I do.” (...) After such weird encouragement from Siggi, I was more motivated to have Dmitri come home with me at the end of the day. I had to show Siggi not only that I really meant what I said, but also that I was capable of following through with my words. But Dmitri had no clue about our plans (he didn’t see me leaving during the break, after all), and he was happy to just sit and cuddle on the living room couch. So I spent half an hour trying to think of a way to start the conversation, while haunted by thoughts that I had lured my innocent and oblivious boyfriend to my house in order to ruin a life he considered perfect. The moment I opened my mouth I would become a cruel monster bent on destroying his happiness. As much as I technically knew this wasn’t true, I still felt like a terrible person for having to do it. My motivation and my conscience were still at war when Eiri came in. He had not changed out of his work clothes, though his tie was slightly undone and the first button of his shirt was open. “Hi guys. I would love to sit and chat, but Róska invited me to have supper with her family and meet my other siblings, so I’m going now and don’t know when I’ll be back.” “Ok, I hope it goes well,” I said, glad for the distraction. And then guilty because I felt happy for being distracted. “Say hi to Róska for us! And see if she wants to come over again soon!” Dmitri grinned and pulled me closer to him. “Sure, sure.” Eiri smiled at us and started to close the door when Dmitri called after him. “One more thing!” Dmitri waited until Eiri had his face peeking out from around the door again to continue. “Do something about that shirt of yours. I don’t think you want Róska to know you’ve been snogging your husband right before the big family reunion.” “You’re… you’re right. Thanks.” Eiri’s face became the same shade of red that I knew took over my own every time this type of embarrassing thing happened. He closed the door, but instead of heading to the front of the house, his steps headed towards Jó’s office. “Well, at least we don’t do the kind of passionate make out that leads to this embarrassment. That’s the kind of situation that makes me glad we stick to cuddles.” Dmitri couldn’t have known he was giving me the perfect opening to my dreaded conversation. Was this a sign that it was now or never? I had to be really careful not to mess it up. “Speaking of which…” I turned around so I could be looking straight into his face. My cheeks felt warm, but not as much as I expected under the circumstances. “Siggi told me something that made me worried.” “You and Siggi have been talking? Since when?” Dmitri’s surprise turned into a wide smile. “Today at rehearsal.” I was already feeling guilty enough without confessing that I had been the one who asked Karen to distract him. That conversation would have to wait. “But we started talking and he said you don’t want to have sex with him anymore, or with anyone else. Is that true?” “Yes.” “Why? Is it because of me?” “It’s because… because I’m sick of it, I guess? I’ve been fucking almost non-stop for ten years now. It’s always the same people fucking the same way… it gets boring after a while, you know?” “I see…” I bit my lip. “Are you sure it’s not because I told you I don’t feel like having sex?” “And you think I’m so in love with you that I’m treating your feelings as if they were mine?” Dmitri raised an eyebrow. I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. “Yes. That’s what Siggi thinks too.” “Aw, finally something you agree on! I can’t believe I lived to see this day!” Dmitri lunged forward to kiss my lips, but I put a hand on his chest to stop him. He looked surprised, but backed off immediately. “Sorry. Not now. I’m not angry with you or anything, it’s just…” I tried to smile at him for reassurance, but it didn’t work as planned. “This is important, and I don’t want to get sidetracked.” “I see. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that.” He smiled too, but it seemed just as convincing as mine. “Please continue, and I’ll do my best to stay on topic.” “Ok.” I took a deep breath. This conversation had been easier than I feared so far, but until it was over there was always the chance of messing it up. “Siggi says you two stopped having sex after I came out to you. I’m sorry, but even if you say that it’s because you got bored of it, I think it’s too much of a coincidence. You used to like it so much before, even after we got together. I used to be scared of your sexual vibe because… because it was all over you and it was your favourite pastime, and I thought it was only a matter of time before you turned it all to me and we ended up doing it when I wasn’t ready.” “But that’s not the case anymore, is it?” “No, but that’s because we agreed we aren’t getting together like that anytime soon. And we talked and agreed that it’s best for me because I don’t have that kind of need, and best for you because you don’t want to mix love and sex.” “I know that. What are you getting at, then?” “I don’t want to sound like I think you’re lying to me. I don’t think you think you are. I mean, I think what you said makes sense for you now, you’re not doing it on purpose, but… But I can’t believe you just got ‘tired’ of sex. Sorry.” “But I did! I really don’t feel like doing it anymore! I’m not forcing myself into celibacy just to be with you!” “That’s what I’m trying to say!” I took another deep breath and held on to Dmitri’s shoulders. His arms twitched slightly. “I think you don’t realise what you’re doing. When you confessed your feelings to me you said you were afraid because your life would get absorbed into mine and you wouldn’t notice. That’s what happening now. And that’s not a good thing.” “Are you sure?” Dmitri’s body backed off slightly, so I let go of him. “I like our cuddles.” “Me too. I like the way it is when we are together. But that’s not the problem.” I felt like I was trying to teach advanced music theory to a tone-deaf child. Dmitri still didn’t seem to be able to focus on the problem, or even to understand it. How many times would I have to explain it? No wonder Siggi had lost his patience already. “The problem is when you are with other people. You’re not relating to others like you used to. You and Siggi argued because he feels our relationship is changing you too much, and after what he told me, I have to agree. I’m not saying it’s something you’re doing on purpose, but it’s something that needs to stop.” “What do you mean? How can I stop something I don’t even know I’m doing?” “We want the old Dmitri back. I want you to be able to get out of here and spend the night sharing your bed with Siggi. We want you feeling like you need it in the way you used to. Siggi misses his best friend, and that’s why he’s been so angry at you.” “But I don’t feel like fucking at all! It’s not like I can force it to happen!” “Then how about… what if we talk about it? The things you liked to do, I mean?” My suggestion made Dmitri go through a series of emotions expressed as rapidly changing facial expressions. At first he looked like he had sucked on a particularly sour lemon. Then, his eyes widened and his mouth formed a wide ‘o’, which morphed into his usual grin. The whole thing lasted just a few seconds, but he had me worried until he spoke. “Are you inviting me to talk dirty to you?” “No!” My face came up in flames. It took a lot of effort not to turn away from my boyfriend and seek cover. “That’s not what I mean. I thought maybe you could tell me some things you liked to do, or at least the ones that won’t freak me out, and see if you find them interesting again. Maybe if you think about them a lot, you’ll feel like getting back to it.” Dmitri’s grin changed into the kind of pursed lips that are barely holding out laughter. I couldn’t blame him. “I see what you mean, but it’s still dirty talk. Are you sure about this?” His face became serious again. “I know how sexual things scare you, and I don’t want to make you feel bad. I don’t want you thinking I’m a sex maniac, deviously perverted soul and make you afraid to be in the same room as me.” “I won’t. I know people like different things, and I know you enough and I trust you enough to believe that whatever you tell me will be the sort of thing you did to people who were just as happy doing it as you were. That helps.” I smiled to make him believe me, and thankfully he smiled too. “Ok. So this is going to sound like exposing my dark side to you… and if it works the way you hope it does, you probably shouldn’t be on my lap by the time it’s over.” He looked pointedly towards his groin, still smiling, and I fought the urge to jump away. I hadn’t thought about that. I had only thought about what I needed to do to make Dmitri like sex again, but I ignored all possible consequences in my urge to convince him to do it. At least I was aware of the risks now. If the success of my plan (and thus the future of Siggi and Dmitri’s relationship) meant I would have to face things that made me uncomfortable and potentially scared… it was too late to back off now, and Siggi really needed me to do this. “We’ll… we’ll see where it goes.” I managed to say after I reorganised my thoughts and renewed my motivation. Keeping in mind the image of Siggi’s tranquil face as he looked towards the sky and confirmed his trust in me helped. “Maybe you can… I don’t know, start now? There isn’t a non-awkward way to do this, is there?” Dmitri laughed. I thought it would make me embarrassed, but it actually helped me calm down. “I think in this context we can’t escape awkward. That said… you want me to tell you about sexy things I enjoy and that turn me on, but that preferably won’t scare you for life?” “Yeah…” I couldn’t tell if he was doing it on purpose, but Dmitri kept his hands behind his head, far from me or his lower body. “Let’s start easy, then. This isn’t something Siggi is usually fond of because he’s the kind of guy who likes intense and sort of violent make-outs, so I reserve it for other partners who like this level of intimacy more. Gísli is one of those, but there are quite a few in any decent gay bar.” Dmitri looked at me intensely, probably examining my reaction. I urged him to go on. “I like deep, slow kisses. The kind that makes you hold on to your partner and feel how his body responds to you. I grab the back of his neck and place his hands on my hips, moving my body just so they’ll soon slide down my ass. If we’re on a couch or a bed, I usually end up lying on top of him. We break the kiss and I caress his hair and look at his beautiful, sexy face. I may or may not use the opportunity to rub our lower regions together to see if he’s as aroused as I am.” It took me a while to realise Dmitri had stopped talking. “That’s… that’s not so different from how we make out.” “I wanted to start with my favourite.” He smiled and thankfully made no comment about how red my face must have been, or how other parts of my body were reacting to his words. I didn’t think he would talk about the things we did together, though maybe I should’ve expected it, everything considered. At first, I managed to just listen, but the more he talked, the more my brain insisted on picturing the two of us together on my bed, acting out his words. It was probably an improvement that I wasn’t imagining Siggi and me making out, but it meant that, right from the start, it wasn’t just Dmitri who had something to hide on his lower body. Dmitri obviously realised what was going on with me, though, and made sure I didn’t have to say anything. “But what I do with Gísli and the other guys after this is something we’re unlikely to ever do.” He smiled and didn’t take his eyes away from my face. “If I’m on top, I’ll go down and open his fly. I like it more when we’re both standing, and I’ve pressed his body against a wall, so I just have to kneel in front of him. On the bed or the couch, it’s a more awkward position, but the results are the same. If we’re just having a quickie, I won’t bother taking his trousers off, but I like it more when I can strip him, see his dick staring happily at me and begging that I do something with it.” That should have been the part where my sex aversion settled in enough that I would no longer have to worry about embarrassing body reactions. Instead, my brain decided that the image of Dmitri slowly pulling my jeans down (while keeping his seductive eyes glued onto mine the whole time, a detail I was completely making up) was actually even more appealing than the kiss. “By that point, I’ll have a pretty good idea of how much the guy is into everything. I’ll pull his underwear down the same way. Gísli wears tight boxers that are a bit of a pain to take off. I like it when the guy has loose underwear; it’s so much easier. Siggi’s is so loose I always wonder how they don’t fall off, though I guess it’s more the case that any underwear would be loose on him. Anyway, with all clothing out of the way, the real fun can begin.” Why didn’t I get at least distracted by the thought of Siggi in oversized boxers? Why did my sex-revulsion turn into a desperate need for Dmitri to keep talking and give my imagination the words it wanted to hear? “I like giving blowjobs, but there isn’t much fun in putting the whole thing in my mouth at once. Siggi is the one who likes that desperate stuff. He’ll grab my hair and make me suck him until he’s so desperate his legs shake and he needs to move on to something else. With Gísli and other guys I take my time. I tease them. Lick the tip. Put just a little bit in my mouth. Run my tongue over the underside of the shaft. Kiss the tip. It’s fun to make them beg for me to do it ‘properly’. I’ve yet to find a dick I can’t swallow whole. I like to stay in control when I deep-throat someone, though, so I don’t let just anyone fuck my mouth. Siggi is the only exception, because I know he’ll either be quick or he won’t resist me if I pull off him. Otherwise, I’ll be the one holding onto his hips, keeping him from thrusting too much. I’ll enjoy the taste of his dick, suck him deeper and faster as I feel him getting closer. There were times, back when people were paying me for it, that I let them come inside my mouth and I would gladly swallow it. But now I don’t feel safe doing it anymore, so we always stop before it gets too far.” All of those things should have sent me running to hide under my bed. Having someone’s genitals shoved down my throat would surely be painful, uncomfortable, suffocating. It would taste like three-day old sweat and smell like an abandoned public toilet. But halfway through Dmitri’s talk, my imagination switched from having him do things to me… to me doing things to him. And liking it. Wanting it. That alone should’ve made me end the conversation. But my body was glued to Dmitri’s lap, and the most obvious sign that I no longer found any of this repulsive remained painfully visible. “Should I continue talking, or do you want to be on your own for a bit?” “I… I…” I should stop thinking that I wanted him to help me deal with the situation exactly like he was talking about. It wouldn’t help either of us. But even the thought it was something that could never happen seemed to make it more urgent. “Go to your room. If you’ve reached the point you can’t even speak a full sentence, then you really need that taken care of.” His smile was gentle, and his eyes never wondered lower than my face. He wasn’t being sexual at all towards me, despite the things he was saying and despite my body’s reaction to his words. I should’ve found it reassuring. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I barely managed to not to kiss him full on the lips before jumping out of his lap and dashing through the door. It didn’t feel right to go to the bathroom for this, so I headed to my bedroom instead. Dmitri’s words and the images my mind created from them followed me all the way. I had just reached the staircase when the door to Jó’s office opened and my cousins came out with flushed faces and suspiciously straightened clothes. Their animated conversation stopped as soon as they saw me. There was no way they couldn’t have noticed the situation my body was in, and they didn’t take long to put two and two together and realise why I was running away from the living room. Eiri opened his mouth, but Jó forced it shut again and dragged him towards the front door. I was almost relieved when I saw him looking back and winking at me. That reminded me of Dmitri, and of his mouth taking its time to pleasure me. Him kneeling on the floor, his warm hands on my hips, his eyes looking up at me, focusing on my face as his mouth took everything in, and surely something was about to explode. I lay in bed with my trousers and briefs down to my knees. This wouldn’t take long, not when my body could feel Dmitri’s touch. The look of love in his eyes, his hands lowering to squeeze my butt cheeks as my hips jerked forward on instinct. I bit my lips not to cry out, but I kept hearing his voice (in a sexy low tone I had never wanted to hear before) telling me I should show him how much I liked it. He wanted me to scream for him as I finally couldn’t hold it anymore. Maybe I did, it was hard to tell what actually happened once it was all over and I was left with a mixture of joy, relief, embarrassment, and worry. And a mess between my legs that even stained my shirt. I knew I should be thinking about why I ended up in this situation and what it meant for our relationship, but I couldn’t organise any of my thoughts in a meaningful way. I could barely keep my eyes open. My legs didn’t feel like moving. Thankfully my phone was on my bedside table, so I could text Dmitri to come up instead of having to muster the energy to go downstairs again. He took surprisingly long to answer, asking if it was really ok for him to join me. I glanced at the pile of tissues I still hadn’t thrown away, at my general state of undress, and at the sticky white stain on my purple shirt. I texted ‘yes’ and didn’t try to sort any of that by the time he opened the door. He glanced at me and tried to leave. “It’s ok, you can stay.” “I can see your dick,” he answered, with only his head peeking into my room, though looking towards the ceiling. “And I don’t have a problem with it anymore. Come in, we need… we have to finish the conversation.” Dmitri carefully closed the door behind him and sat next to my head. I moved so I could lie on his lap, and I put his hand on my hair. “Can you really do it now, or would you like to just cuddle for a bit?” “I like cuddles.” I closed my eyes. Dmitri’s legs made comfortable pillows, and his hands caressing my hair reminded me of how Mum used to put me to sleep as a small child. His presence was calming and safe, and I didn’t have to worry about the exposed parts of my body or what he would think of them. For that moment, his cuddles were the best thing in the world. (...) I opened my eyes after a few minutes, once the immediate need to sleep wore off, and my thoughts began to clear up again. Dmitri had been staring at the top of a bookshelf and didn’t see me, so I nuzzled his leg to call his attention. He turned to me, and his eyes never left my face. “You’re awake?” “I guess. I feel less sleepy now.” “Good.” Dmitri bit his lip. “Are you worried that I…” I glanced towards my legs, but he didn’t move or acknowledge it. “It’s fine, I mean it.” I sat up and pecked his lips. “I’m going to get dressed again, but you don’t need to be afraid of looking, I promise.” “How come?” He still kept his eyes pointedly on my face. “You didn’t like to show me even your underwear before.” “I think…” This wasn’t something I had formed as a coherent thought yet. “I don’t know, maybe… maybe I don’t think it matters that much anymore? You’re my boyfriend and I trust you, so there’s no reason to hide?” “Then why are you saying it like it’s a question?” “Because I can’t really explain it. But it’s all fine, trust me.” I kissed him again to prove my point. He kissed back this time. “Ok, I will trust you. And since we’re talking about trust, I feel bound to tell you what I was doing until you called me here.” “Sure. Tell me while I get changed.” Dmitri nodded, but didn’t speak until I had already put my trousers back on and was taking off my shirt. “Once I realised what was happening to you, I… well, I followed suit. Talking about the blowjobs hadn’t done anything to me, but seeing you in that kind of state, just from listening to me…” I didn’t know how to react to that, so I threw my stained shirt at his face. Dmitri laughed. “I know, I deserve that.” He didn’t seem to notice that the stained part of the shirt hit his forehead somehow. I couldn’t decide if I should feel disgusted or amused by it, so I must have made a weird face at him. “What? Did I do something wrong?” I pointed at my own forehead, and he understood. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” “No worries.” He cleaned himself up with a tissue. “Are you comfortable enough for me to make a bukkake joke or should I keep it to myself?” “What is that?” Dmitri laughed again and shook his head. “If you don’t know yet, you’re probably better off never knowing.” He shook his head again. “But anyway, I just want to reassure you that what happened to me wasn’t because I found you sexy in that situation or because I wanted to do to you the things I was talking about. I’m sorry if I made it sound like it and scared you again.” By this point I already had a new shirt on, so I sat next to him on the bed. “I don’t know if I was scared. I don’t think I was. I’m not sure.” “That’s fine. I suppose it would be confusing for you to have a reaction like that after you went through so much to be comfortable identifying as asexual.” Dmitri smiled, and before I could say anything he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. “And before you freak out, I don’t think something like that makes you no longer ace or means that you’re now dying to have sex with me. I’m not going to assume anything until you tell me. As far as I’m concerned, your body did something that may or may not be related to how you were feeling at that moment, and we both had to go our separate ways to take care of it.” “You left the living room too?” “Yeah, I ran to the bathroom as soon as I heard you closing your door.” He grinned. “I passed by Jó on my way there, and he looked at me like he had finally made sense of something really confusing. I didn’t ask anything, though, because I was in a bit of a hurry, so I really don’t know what that was about.” “I think I know.” I told Dmitri about the little scene by the stairs. “I wonder what he thinks we did…” “Do you want to explain to him, just in case?” “I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things right now, it’s… weird. I feel fine, I’m happy, but I have a feeling that soon I’ll be agonising over what all those things mean and losing a few nights of sleep to figure myself out again.” I snuggled closer to Dmitri, letting the warm comfort of his body wash over me. He kissed the top of my head. “I’ll be here for you if it gets to that and you need me.” We cuddled like that for a while longer. I still couldn’t feel particularly worried about the things that were happening to me, so it was easy to just enjoy the moment with my boyfriend. Dmitri seemed to be having a good time too. “For all it’s worth, your little plan might have worked after all.” “You feel like having sex again?” “Maybe. Not with you, but because of you, if that makes sense?” “No, it doesn’t.” I smiled and shifted position so that I could look at Dmitri’s face. I ended up lying on his lap again with my legs bent over the bed. He smiled too and held my hand over my chest as he spoke. “I’m starting to think that you and Siggi are right about me internalising your sexual feelings. When I saw you that way, I didn’t find you particularly arousing, didn’t have the kind of sexual desire that I used to feel for Siggi and other guys. But the fact that you were feeling like that, that you could, despite being ace and somewhat sex-repulsed, made me feel like I could too.” “Then you’re doing exactly what Siggi and I thought you were doing.” “I don’t know. It’s complicated. I really didn’t feel like having sex until then. I couldn’t force myself even if I tried. But now…” “Now you can?” “Let’s just say that what I thought about in that bathroom were the kinds of things that would’ve sent you away screaming if I were to describe them to you on the living room couch.” He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. I should’ve probably been worried about his words, but his face made me giggle. I grabbed his neck and pulled him down, kissing him full on the lips. Dmitri’s eyes widened at first, but he soon responded in kind.
  13. Happy Belated B-day, James!! I can't believe I forgot your special day.


    I hope you had an awesome b-day, and I promise to start on the next chapter this week, now that I'm out of the hospital. That would be a good belated b-day present, right? :lol:

  14. Happy Birthday James!

  15. 58 - Impressions

    Hehe, thanks. I'm glad Gunni is finally managing to surprise people that way. Arnar did say he wanted to help Siggi more and return to the kind of relationship they had before his injury. He's back to his role as father figure, music and all, so hopefully this will help Siggi stay "in his centre", as you said. I like how you say "if he still pretends not to like him". Do you think Siggi doesn't completely hate Gunni with all his might? Thanks for commenting!

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