Santa and His Dirty Little Elf
Deck the Balls:
Santa sat in his rocking chair beside his cozy fireplace across from Mrs. Claus where she sat doing some cross-stitching. Santa sipped his hot chocolate, “Ma you know I had to hire a new head elf for this Christmas his name is GingerNuts Fizzycrackers.” Santa sat his mug down, “He makes flying glittery vibrators for all the good little elves and creates custom gifts.”
“Yes Dear, it’s a shame you had to replace, Piper Iciclewhine, she was a sweet girl. Pity, she couldn’t keep from stealing the unicorn paddies and selling them as magical fertilizer,” Mrs. Claus sighed and went back to her cross-stitch.
Santa stood from his rocker and rubbed his hands together near the crackling fireplace, “I should go down to the workshop and make sure all the elves have their lists to get production going,” Santa slid on his furry red jacket and buckled the belt.
Mrs. Claus chuckled as she watched Santa struggle to do his belt up, “You might want to lay off the polar burgers for a while, we’ll have to add reindeer to pull the sleigh.”
“Ma, I have to keep up my strength, between your sexual prowess and the elves I’m a busy man,” Santa chuckled and his cheeks glowed a rosy red color.
“Santa,” Éclair Shinycrackers yelled out of breath, “you have to come, quick,” Éclair is an elf from the workshop, she makes Russain Dolls and the like. Éclair is prone to panic and over exaggeration, she is also a little eccentric.
“Yes, yes, I’m coming,” Santa swayed in the blustery wind as he made his way to the workshop, “What’s wrong Éclair?”
Éclair swung her little three foot, two inch body around to Santa, her hand on her hip indignantly, clucking her tongue, “Santa,” she said impatiently, “it’s Rudolph, he and that silly little bunny were playing tag, the bunny ran through a hollow log,” Éclair sounded disgusted. “Now Rudolph’s antlers are stuck,” Éclair turned storming off while she was still ranting, “I don’t know what he was thinking…”
Santa followed his ranting little elf until they reached the log and found Dexter the bunny thumping his paw on a portion of Rudolph’s antler that was poking through a hole in the log. “My, what have you two gotten yourselves into?” Santa said jollily as he surveyed the predicament.
Dexter thumped his foot telling his story through tapping out code which only Santa and Reindeer seemed to understand. Santa nodded his head while rubbing his chin, “Rudolph why did you try and chase Dexter into a hollowed out log?”
Rudolph looked up at Santa through his long reindeer lashes, “We were playing tag Santa,” he said regretfully, and his nose dimmed, “I was on a break from flying practice, I promise.” Dexter thumped out his agreement.
Santa smiled and used some Christmas magic and freed Rudolph’s antlers, “Boy’s you need to be careful, and Rudolph, be more careful we need you to lead the team on Christmas.”
Éclair stood by huffing and puffing, shaking her head, “Santa surely some sort of consequence, he needs…”
Santa cut off Eclairs rant, “No consequences for playing, we all need our fun,” Santa laughed, “Ho Ho Ho,” then headed for the workshop.
Since Santa’s back was to the trio, Rudolph poked his tongue out at Éclair, and Dexter thumped with laughter and fell off of the top of the log. Éclair marched away muttering to herself. Rudolph then nudged the bunny with his nose, “Your it,” and ran off as Dexter gave chase.
Santa was making his rounds introducing GingerNuts to his happy little crew, “GingerNuts this is Drummer IcecicleBubbles. He makes noisy drum sets and tambourines for all the good little children,” He whispered into GingerNuts ear, “He is a bit of an airhead who forgets how to do things, but is loved by all the other elves for being so happy!” Drummer looked up from the drum set he was assembling and gave a wave.
GingerNuts chuckled and rubbed his package provocatively, “I can make you happy Santa,” He stopped rubbing himself, “Hell… I could make everybody happy in one way or another,” GingerNuts waggled his ears.
Santa stood there a bit in a loss for words, “Uh… yes… I’m sure you could,” Santa looked around the shop, “We should get the introductions finished.”
“This is Rustic ScarletBalls,” Santa gave a friendly smile, “He makes slightly scary toy clowns and monkeys for all the good little children.”
GingerNuts smirked, “Wanna play with my balls Scarlet?” Santa shook his head wondering what he had gotten everybody into this Christmas season.
Crash “Dammit,” Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at a younger looking elf at the far end of the room.
Santa and GingerNuts walked over to the elf, “GingerNuts this is Buster NutCrackerz,” Santa patted Buster’s shoulder, “It’s ok, accidents happen lad.”
Buster looked up with a glisten in his eye, “They always happen to me Santa.”
Mrs. Claus walked across the compound, spying Buster sitting on a decorative saddle. His head hung low and picking at a thread on his pants. Mrs. Claus sat down next to him on a bench, “What has you so glum Buster? I haven’t seen you so down since you broke the Grandfather clock last Christmas.”
Buster looked up into Mrs. Claus’s warm eyes, then back at the thread, “I broke some toys and GingerNuts yelled at me. All the other elves laughed, Ma, I don’t know why I keep breaking things,” Buster sighed.
“Well Buster, I don’t why either, but you are careful not to break things aren’t you?” Mrs. Claus asked.
“Yes Ma,” He looked up at her defeated, “It doesn’t seem to make any difference.”
Mrs. Claus put her thumb and index finger in her mouth and whistled, Rudolph, Dexter, and Blitzen came running.
“Hi, Ma, what do you need?” Blitzen asked.
“Our Buster here needs a break, and desperately needs to have some fun. Do you three think you can include him in your afternoon activities?” Mrs. Claus smiled at the three hellions.
“Yes Ma,” Rudolph answered, not that he’d answer Mrs. Claus any other response.
“Good, now scamper off and make sure Buster comes back with a smile on his face,” Mrs. Claus waved off the foursome before continuing to the workshop. She went straight to the office, opening the door, Mrs. Claus dropped the lunch and gasped at what she saw. There was Santa pushed up against the wall, face flushed rosy red – more than usual, GingerNuts face flush up against Santa’s crotch.
“Nicholas Claus, what the unicorn poop do you think you're doing?” Mrs. Claus yelled in shock.
“I… he…” Santa stammered, “I didn’t do anything Ma.”
GingerNuts giggled as he stepped back from Santa’s crotch, “Isn’t this how you measure our elf height?”
“What? Huh? Meas…” Mrs. Claus couldn’t find her words, “Go back to the workshop, Bubble’s the elf in charge of the Good List elf wants a meeting with you.”
GingerNuts slid past Mrs. Claus, giggling, “Yes Ma,” then scampered off to find Bubbles. Good luck, he’s not real, dirty elf.
“Ma, GingerNuts has hit on everybody in the workshop. I’m surprised he hasn’t visited the poor Reindeer yet,” Santa said in a huff.
Mrs. Claus put his lunch on the desk, then sauntered over to Santa, “Stop measuring the elves height, Santa,” she whispered seductively and opened Santa’s belt, then rapidly pulled it so tight that Santa couldn’t breathe. Mrs. Claus turned on her heel and stormed out slamming the door as she went. Uh-Oh!
Santa whispered, “Yes Ma,” as he loosened his belt and gasped for a breath of air. After catching his breath Santa decided he needed to get away from GingerNuts before Ma became really upset - after all, she controls his dinner. Santa went to the Reindeer yard to check on his team.
Santa stood off to the side next Clarice, Rudolph’s wife, “How’s the team looking this year deer?”
Clarice shyly giggled, “They’re really good this year Santa. Blitzen really worked them hard.”
Santa nodded his head, “I suppose he did after that blizzard last year the team was a bit worn out. I’m pretty sure he felt it reflected poorly on his leadership, but it was a long day for all of us.”
Santa walked over to Blitzen, “How’s the young fawn look this year?”
Blitzen jumped, “Oh Santa, you startled me. Rudolph young one shows promise, the rest it’s a bit early to tell yet.”
“We don’t have any openings on the team, but it’s always good to keep the backup team growing,” Santa reminded Blitzen.
“Yes Sir,” Blitzen stared at the young Reindeer as they leaped around playing their Reindeer games.
Santa returned back to his house, once inside the door he removed his boots and took off his coat and hung it by the door. Santa kissed Ma, then he sat in his chair to warm up from the cold.
“Ma, that elf is going to drive me to drink, he’s crazy. If the other elves don’t start screaming about his sexual innuendo's and his game of grabass I’d be totally amazed,” Santa shook his head.
“Santa Baby,” Mrs. Claus sang and giggled.
“It’s not funny Ma, we could get into trouble from the elf union. Then what do we do, put the children on the naughty list to work? We aren’t that type of workshop.” Santa’s voice raised an octave.
“I’m sorry my love, we will have to find a way to rein him in,” Mrs. Claus sighed.
“Maybe we can put him in charge of something other than the workshop, Buster sure could use a change of pace,” Santa thought out aloud “Poor elf, he’s been worse than usual lately and he’s starting to cost us money.”
Santa headed off to find Buster, he was sitting on a bench outside of the Reindeer training facility.
Santa sat down beside Buster patting him on his back, “Son, I think you need a change of pace. Ma and I think you should take the sleigh team out for their training flight today.”
Buster fidgeted around wiggling and kicking the snow off his shoes, “Bu… Bu… But Santa… I know something bad is gonna happen, I don’t think this is a smart thing for you to do.”
“Come now Buster, you can do this, Ma and I have faith in you. We just think a little time away from the workshop will do you good, get out in the fresh air. How long has it been since you went for a ride in the sleigh?” Santa asked gently.
“Well I’m warning you if Rudolph sprains an ankle, or if Blitzen stops off for a Spiked Eggnog I’m not responsible,” Buster looked up showing a twinkle in his eyes.
“That’s the Christmas spirit. Ho ho ho!” Santa smiled slapping the elf on the back, the bells on Buster’s shoes ringing, as he shook with excitement and dread at the same time.
Buster loaded up in the sleigh with Dexter for the training flight. They did a few touch and go landings, on the final attempt the track on the sleigh snapped causing an emergency landing. Rudolph started sneezing, Blitzen became overly frustrated with the whole situation.
Blitzen wandered off finding Yeti’s Bar and Grill where he slammed Hot Spiked Apple Cider after ten serving’s Yeti the bartender threw a staggering and belligerent Blitzen out of his bar. Yeti stood on the doorstep yelling, “You should be ashamed of yourself. Does Santa know you drink so much?”