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SHDWriter

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About SHDWriter

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Sexuality
    Gay
  • Favorite Genres
    Drama
  • Location
    Missouri, USA
  • Interests
    Film, Football, Writing, History

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  1. SHDWriter

    Chapter 17

    It was a different time. I remember when two kids were disagreeing, coaches might even suggest they sort it out behind the equipment shed mano-a-mano. Fighting was not just barely discouraged, but sometimes actively encouraged.
  2. SHDWriter

    Chapter 15

    Well, at least partially. Or more than partially, but not completely.
  3. SHDWriter

    Chapter 15

    Yeah, it's interesting how being a knight in shining armor can be seen as complete psychosis... especially when it really is. Fear not, Linda will get a few really great scenes in which to display her utter awesomeness as the story moves along. I can honestly say that i wouldn't have made it through high school without the real Linda, and I'm happy to say we still keep in touch on Facebook nearly 37 years later.
  4. SHDWriter

    Chapter 13

    Yeah, it was a different time. Somehow, 35 years of smoking later, I kind of think it would have been nice too.
  5. SHDWriter

    How I Got Carter

    I loved this. Even though the title gives away the game, the twists and turns of the story and the intense level of identification the author elicits with the narrator makes you want nothing more than for him to win Carter Mulkins. And even though you know he will, you'll rise and fall with each victory and setback. Great story!
  6. SHDWriter

    Chapter 2

    This story is off to a good start. I'm enjoying the way both of these characters are so open to sharing themselves in the hopes of not just passing the assignment, but making a new friend. They also seem unusually accepting of each others' vast differences. I guess it's easier in anonymous letters than in person at school, where James Bond in particular might get peer pressure to not befriend someone like Sherlock.
  7. SHDWriter

    Epilogue

    That was thirty-two years ago. The rest of high school went pretty well for me, other than the obvious. I qualified for State in Humorous again the following year, and made it to the final three in LD Debate at National Forensic League District my senior year, almost qualifying for Nationals if I hadn't missed one key argument in the 9th round, the semifinal. I was in a lot of plays, from Our Town to The Merchant of Venice, and our one-act of Catch-22 went to State Finals my junior year. The Maxwells moved back to New York that year, so they never got to see that play. Their roots were there and the pain of Peggy's death had faded enough for them to make their way back to home soil. I left Texas for Washington DC after graduation and only went back twice, briefly each time. After a while, there was no one left there to see. Raymond was named the Samuel French Award winner for Best Acting at State for Catch-22, and went on to win Nationals in both Oratory and Dramatic following his senior year. I heard he married a model and followed her to Italy. Robin married a model too. Pablo became an investment banker, made a lot of money, lost it all in 2008 and drifted into hopeless, bitter alcoholism. Kirsten got pregnant by a much older Mexican guy and dropped out of school. I don't know where she is now. Kathy Witcher and I had sex a few times, kind of dated, but things blew up with her when her hated mother died and everyone suspected that Kathy had something to do with it. She moved away to college after graduation, and I think she ended up marrying a truck driver. She resurfaced a few years ago as a successful businesswoman. Nathan and I were best friends for the rest of high school, had a lot of laughs and got in a lot of trouble until he was finally sent to the district's school for problem teens and kicked out of his house when his mom found Polaroids of him and his girlfriend having nasty sex, taken by Terry. I already talked about our later reunion. I heard that he -- the guy who used to let peanut butter and rice rot on his bedroom wall -- runs a catering business, and is quite successful. Linda is an executive for a huge corporation now, but is still married to a mall security guard and has a young daughter and a son in high school. I talk to her occasionally, but we've drifted apart since she found religion in a big way, and that saddens me, because she was once my touchstone, my friend, my advisor, and the most stable person my age that I knew. She had been my rock, and now we were practically strangers. Heidi the dachshund was poisoned by those awful neighbors, who also sent lit firecrackers onto our roof one hot and dry July 4th. The wife turned a garden hose on Tynah once and Tynah punched her in the face. Eventually, Rex bought a new house a few blocks away, just to put some distance between our families. Rex and Sly both died in 2004, both of heart attacks. Rex had stopped drinking and smoking several years before, and even started voting for Democrats, which no one ever thought they would see. Tynah died a year and a half ago. She had learned the truth about me in 1988 and wanted Rex to write me out of the will. She came around eventually, but ended up spending all the money on ocean cruises anyway. My biological mother and I sort of mended fences, and I talk to her on the phone about once a month. I live in California now, and she lives in Virginia. We heard a rumor that Cindy had become a stripper in San Antonio after graduation, and that some psycho customer had followed her home and stabbed her to death. Imagine our surprise when she showed up on Facebook in 2013 with a husband, kids and grandkids. That'll teach me to believe everything I hear. It turns out that I'm also in touch with a lot of other people from Polk through Facebook, including Mr. McRory and Jeff Salzburg, and talking with some of them sent me down that road of memories which led to this story of my infatuation with one special boy. As for Polk High itself, it's still there, but it's not the same. They tore it down and rebuilt the entire school from the ground up a few years ago, and not a single brick remains of the building where I first met him. * * * * * I was molded by these experiences. Informed and shaped by them. And if what that shy, beautiful kid in the cap said in class on that day so long ago is true, I think that we both were among those unfortunate people born with tragedy in their blood. I never saw Taine Maxwell again. But I did hear some things from Blaine, who started writing to me after we ran into each other at one of Sly's races. Like me, Taine went to college, got married and divorced, and started writing. We both occupied ourselves with other jobs while we were waiting for our big breaks as writers, like every other aspiring writer in the modern world. I was in the nightclub and restaurant industry, while Taine took up funeral home work, becoming an accomplished embalmer and funeral director. Blaine and I didn't write much, just a few e-mails, but in one of them he told me his theories about why Taine broke up with me, why he left to Alamo Heights, and why he hasn't contacted me since. I thought his theories were interesting, but kind of glib. He said things like, "kids bullied him, and you know what words they use to bully different kids. Fag, queer, homo, etc. If he loved you, it would be like he was proving them right." I don't know that I put much stock in Blaine's theories. I think it was as simple as that he just didn't feel for me the way I felt for him. Oh boy. "Felt". No. "Feel." Because it never went away. I truly, honestly hope that Taine is happy. Because every day, every night for the last thirty-two years, all I can think about is my babes. My angel. The angel who will never get to Heaven, because he is so beautiful and perfect that he shames the other angels. I spend a lot of my time wondering what he's doing, how his life has progressed, and whether he ever thinks of me. I live near the water in San Pedro, California now. It's very beautiful and peaceful out here, and I love watching the stars, the ocean, the pelicans and seals, the whales and dolphins, and the sunsets, which are spectacular. It's a great place to write, and a great place to wake up every morning. But, still, there is a giant hole in my life. A big, empty place that only one person could fill. And it wasn't either of my wives, any of my girlfriends or boyfriends, or any of the countless strangers of both sexes who shared my beds and bunks over the last thirty-two years. Whether I had someone in my bed or not, I always woke up every morning lonely and aching to have Taine back in my arms. And it never happened. But still, I go on, now in my fourth decade of hoping and praying and trying to be good so that God will send my angel back to me one day. * * * * * And then I woke up this morning, made myself a cup of Earl Grey tea, and padded over to my computer, preparing for a full morning of writing by puttering around on the Internet, catching up on the news, reading e-mails and so forth. After a bit of this, I opened Facebook and noticed that I had a friend request from a "Tai Max." My heart nearly stopped, and tears began to well in my eyes. I stared at the screen for quite some time, unsure of what to do. Was I hallucinating? Was I still asleep and having a dream? Why would he contact me after thirty-two years? I decided that maybe, just maybe, hoping and praying sometimes worked. I whispered thanks to God, and my hand shook as I reached out to drag my mouse to the button which said, simply... ACCEPT.
  8. SHDWriter

    Chapter 4

    I often wonder what happened to her... those two teachers pranked each other relentlessly, but I think someone in admin talked to them after that one, because I don't remember any pranks afterward.
  9. SHDWriter

    Chapter 46

    Saw you flying by Flash of turquoise blue I just had to try To keep your life in view I came home from the Our Town auditions extremely upset. I was pretty sure I'd get a fairly big role in the play, so that wasn't an issue. Seniors usually almost always get the leads, so I wouldn't be the Stage Manager, or even George, but I was pretty sure I'd either be Mr. Webb or Mr. Gibbs, and would be okay with either. No, what I was upset about was Taine's bizarre kiss-off. My bird of paradise sweet bird of paradise "I knew I didn't really want the answer," I muttered to myself as I got cleaned up for dinner. I scrubbed my hands in the bathroom sink, fighting tears as I remembered the taste of Taine's sweet lips, the silky feel of his skin as we showered together over at his house... his now-empty house. Wish that I could fly I'd be beside you now But I can only sigh And watch you circle round I decided that washing my hands wasn't good enough, so I stripped off my clothes and got in the shower, turning the water up as hard and hot as it would go. It burned my skin, but as I stood there in the punishing torrent, I barely felt it at all. My bird of paradise Sweet bird of paradise Numerous emotions roiled and battled within me. Sadness, anger, heartbreak, self-pity, fear, pain. Mostly pain. I sank down to the floor of the shower, my skin turning bright pink and steam filling the bathroom, and I wept. So you fly away When will you come again So I can watch you play In the pouring rain I wept for Taine, for myself, and for the mournful memory of that magical third...that fragile being called Us...may he rest in peace. I would grieve him until the end of my days, I thought, as I stood and let the scalding water wash my tears away. I knew that as certainly as I knew anything. My bird of paradise Sweet bird of paradise I turned off the water, dried myself with a fluffy blue towel, and got my clothes back on for dinner. As I combed my hair in the mirror, I caught sight of my red, tired eyes. I look like an old man, I thought. I certainly felt like one. A lonely old man of fifteen, doomed to be without the love of his life forever. * * * * * When I went into the kitchen, Tynah was already seated and Rex was putting the finishing touches on his famous stuffed bell peppers in tomato sauce. Heidi was sitting at Tynah's feet, her cute little dachshund face all scrunched up into a look which pleaded, "you're gonna give me some of that food, right, Mommy?" "How'd dancing around the maypole go, Whod?" asked Rex, with a mix of sardonic dismissal and genuine interest. He was hard to read sometimes. "It was okay," I said. "Did you get to play Tinkerbell?" he asked, ladling Tynah's food. I smirked, but Tynah was getting upset. "I think that's just about enough," she said sharply. "Leave Rick alone, Rex!" Rex looked puzzled as to why Tynah was upset, and as for me, well, I was used to his ribbing. "It's okay, Tynah, we're just joking around," I said, hoping to ease the tension. Tynah looked from me...to Rex...to me...to Rex...and the color began to rise in her face. "I'm just joshing him, Darly-Doo," said Rex. "Yeah, it's okay," I added quickly. Tynah looked down at her plate. She was turning beet red. "Oh...," she said quietly. "Shit." There was a pause, and then she repeated herself, and then again. Her volume and anger were rising with each repetition until they reached a hysterical, screaming crescendo. "Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Just SHIT. Just SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!" She swept her plate to the floor angrily, and it smashed, spraying bell pepper, ground beef and tomato sauce across the tiles and against the bottom of the refrigerator. Tynah stood up, and her chair toppled to the floor behind her. Instinctively, I flinched, although I knew intellectually that she was the mother who didn't hit. My subconscious didn't register that fact, however, and I cringed, adrenaline and panic coursing through my body. Tynah ran from the kitchen toward the bedroom and I heard the door slam shut. Rex and I just looked at each other, mouths hanging open for a second in mutual astonishment. Then Rex picked up her chair and my eyes grew wide as I saw Heidi trying to lick the food off the floor. "Rex!" I yelled. "Stop Heidi! Broken glass!" Rex immediately scooped Heidi from the floor before she could ingest any of Tynah's dinner, which was intermingled with sharp, lethal pieces of her broken plate. Heidi yipped and, of course, peed herself. Rex stood there rooted to the spot, his bare foot splattered with tomato sauce and pee dripping from the nervous puppy in his hand. I rushed to get some dishrags to help him out. "Don't move!" I said. "You'll slip or cut yourself." I cleaned up the floor as best I could, then took Heidi from Rex's hand and took her into the garage to clean her up. Rex washed his hands in the garage utility sink next to us, muttering curses and imprecations under his breath. "First thing you do, Rick," he said. "First fucking thing you do...go out and get married. It's a fucking treat." * * * * * I lay in bed in my room trying to concentrate on my algebra homework. Why was everything so fucked up all of a sudden? How had this happened? Screaming at the window Watch me die another day Hopeless situation Endless price I have to pay I wasn't crying anymore, at least that was a plus. No, I wasn't really sad so much as actively pissed off. Since the summer, my mother had abandoned me, I was practically raped, I put a guy in the hospital, then he had his friends murder my dog and trashed my ex-boyfriend's dad's car. Then, just today, Taine had blown me off forever, Tynah had gone batshit crazy at the dinner table, and Rex was drunk in the garage cursing his lot in life. Why was my life so insane? Sanity now it's beyond me There's no choice This had always happened to me. Everything just seemed to be going right for once, and then it all went hopelessly nuts. Like when I was thirteen, almost fourteen, the summer before last. I tried not to think of that day, when I'd still been in middle school and my happiness was again shattered by craziness. Diary of a madman Walk the line again today Entries of confusion Dear diary, I'm here to stay It was July, 1980. Everything finally seemed to be going okay for me. My birth-mom had stopped beating me once I got to be taller than her, I finally started getting some friends at middle school, and we did everything together. I had plans almost every day of the summer with them, except for this one. So I decided to go downtown and see the Alamo. I really wanted to see some of San Antonio's past, which we had studied the previous school year in 7th grade Texas History class. I biked over to Rex and Tynah's house from our apartment in Universal City, about ten miles away and just outside Randolph Air Force Base, where my mother worked as a secretary. Tynah liked the fact that I wanted to learn about history, so she gave me a ride up to the mall across from Polk, where I caught a VIA bus downtown. After a few hours of walking around the Alamo and soaking in its history, taking the official tour and then poking around myself, I walked outside into the blistering hot Texas sun. It must have been 100 degrees that day, so I quickly found a raspas vendor and purchased a big, blue coconut-flavored raspa. They were basically Sno-Cones with exotic tropical flavors, and I had always been partial to coconut over some of the more eclectic selections (mango, papaya, and tamarindo, which I didn't even recognize at that age). The cold, icy treat felt good on my tongue. Manic depression befriends me Hear his voice Sanity now is beyond me There's no choice I crossed the street to a row of shops, wandering aimlessly and taking in all the new sights. I stopped at a bookshop, dedicated bookworm that I was, and quickly became immersed in their window display, which featured several books about horror movies which called to my genre-addicted soul. The bookstore was in an old stone building which sat next to a narrow back-alley strewn with garbage and litter. There were a few steel trash-cans way down at the end, and a couple of fire escapes from the bookstore and the building on the other side of the alley. I thought I saw a cat moving behind one of the trash cans, so I began walking down the alley, happily licking my raspa in my brown and white striped t-shirt, blue cotton shorts, and blue canvas sneakers. Oblivious to the fact that I looked like something out of the beginning of a horror movie, I moved blithely toward the dead-end at the back of the alley, curious to make the kitty-cat's acquaintance. A sickened mind and spirit The mirror tells me lies Could I mistake myself for someone Who lives behind my eyes? I didn't even hear the older boys until I was almost at the end. One of them began making a sucking sound between his teeth and lips, and I turned around to see my passage back to the street blocked by three rough-looking guys whom I guessed to be in their late teens. Two of them -- whom I guessed to be Mexican-American brothers, perhaps from Oaxaca -- had premature dark mustaches and nine-o'clock shadows, with prominent Mayan features. They were wearing identical black leather jackets, white t-shirts, rolled blue jeans and black work shoes. The third boy -- the one who was making the sucking sounds -- seemed to me to be Native American. He had no facial hair, but sported the high, angular cheekbones and hawk-like nose which I recognized as tribal only from history books. He wore a brown suede vest with long fringes over a bare chest, white jeans, and incongruously fancy black patent-leather dress shoes. They advanced down the alley toward me, three abreast like in some demented action-movie trailer, and one of the Mexicans was laughing a humorless laugh. The other one pulled a knife from his jacket and held it out at his side, twirling the long, thin blade in the air. The knife was what I would later hear Nathan refer to as a "pig-sticker," a slender stiletto which had been modified from a switchblade. I'm fucked, I thought. And, as it turned out, that was about to be true. Literally. I stood there, a skinny thirteen-year old kid in childish shorts and a thin t-shirt licking a Sno-Cone. It was obviously, in retrospect, a predator's wet dream. The Indian and the laughing Mexican were stroking the crotches of their respective jeans, and I could see that they were boned up. The one with the knife was boned up too, with no stroking required. I could see no escape, as the three of them effectively blocked the alley. Just then, the scruffy black cat bolted between the armed Mexican's legs and fled toward the street. I watched it go, dearly wishing that I could follow. Will he escape my soul Or will he live in me? Is he trying to get out Or trying to enter me? "What do you want?" I asked in a tremulous, terrified voice. My own voice seemed distant to me, my field of vision began to narrow, and my hearing starting to become muffled as the blood rushed against my eardrums. "Your sweet ass, little white boy," said one of them, I don't remember which. The raspa fell from my hand, landing on the dirty asphalt with a wet splat, the blue slush melting almost instantly in the oppressive heat. I backed up as they began to close the gap between us. Frantically, I turned around, looking for escape. Both of the fire ladders were pulled up too high for me to reach, and all I could see was the steel trash cans and a filthy brick wall behind them. Then someone grabbed my hair from behind and slammed me face-down onto one of the trash can lids. It made a loud metal crash, but didn't really hurt except for the edge, which caught me just below the ribcage. Voices in the darkness Scream away my mental health Can I ask a question To help me save me from myself? "Why are you doing this?" I managed, as one hand held my right shoulder while the other tightened its grip on my hair, roughly smashing my face into the greasy, dirty lid of the trash can. "Shut the fuck up!" was the answer, as the hand on my shoulder retreated, returning with the pig-sticker and pressing it against my throat, just under my jawline. "Keep your fucking mouth shut, greymeat!" Greymeat? I thought crazily. What the fuck was a greymeat? My shorts and underwear were then savagely ripped down my skinny young legs, and I could feel the hot, stagnant air hitting my bare bottom. What I felt then...well, let me backtrack. When I said earlier that Jeff's entry was the most painful thing I'd ever felt in my life, I wasn't exactly lying. For one thing, I was under the influence of sensation-enhancing drugs when I was at Jeff's house about fourteen months after what happened in that alley. For another, Jeff was huge down there, and these guys weren't. And, finally, I think that by the time the first of them -- the Mexican with the knife -- ripped into me, I was probably in a state of shock. That's not to say that it didn't hurt. Because it did. A lot. And it seemed to go on forever, although I think I may have lost consciousness once or twice. The first one was fairly quick, with short, savage thrusts which tore my flesh and made me bleed. When he grunted out his climax, his grip tightened not only on my hair, but on the knife. I was afraid that he would be so carried away that he would stab it through my neck by accident, but he didn't. He gave my trembling body a shove into the trash can as he pulled out, and I laid there bleeding and gasping for breath. My stomach was knotted up, and his fluid burned my internal wounds. I turned my head, tears streaming from my eyes, and saw the little blue puddle of my melted raspa a few feet away. I focused on it, although I still screamed as the Indian tore into me, earning me a brutal punch in the side of the head which made my ears ring. "Shut your fucking mouth," the Indian said, and then grabbed my hips tightly with both hands and began thrusting in and out of me with long, hard, excruciatingly slow and painful strokes. His thumbs dug into my kidneys as he held me in an iron grip. The Indian made it last a long time, and was ramming into me so hard that the trash can tilted forward and my feet left the ground, earning hoots of appreciation from the Mexicans watching him rape me. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only about twenty minutes, the Indian came, bucking his hips into me so hard that I was afraid the trash can would tip over and deposit me face-first into the pile of wet cat shit in front of me. He rocked back, forcing me back down until my feet touched the ground again, and pulled out with a sticky popping sound which made my stomach turn. The Indian said something, and then I heard the Mexican who had been laughing step up behind me. He was still laughing, and slapped my ass really hard about five or six times. Then he buried himself inside me with one flesh-ripping thrust, causing me to cry out again, only this time with not nearly as much volume or energy as before. Then he grabbed a fistful of hair at the back of my head and began slamming my face into the trash can lid, hard, punctuating each thrust with a face-slam and some words in Spanish -- which I didn't understand -- mixed in with English obscenities. I felt something let go in my nose, and blood began to run into my mouth as he slammed me repeatedly into the dirty steel lid, which had tipped by now and was hanging half inside the trash can and half out. "Fuck, culero, fuck!" he shouted, laughing and raping and smashing my face into the lid over and over again until everything started to turn grey and the coppery taste of blood filled my nose and mouth and I could only see the melted raspa and the cat shit and the bloody, greasy lid of the trash can and then I slipped away into blackness. * * * * * I awoke with dark blood crusted all over my face, and had to slowly pull my cheek from where it had been bonded to the brown, viscous mess on the trash-can lid. I looked to see if the boys were gone, and they were. I laid bent over the can for a moment, trying to feel whether anything was broken. Probably not, I thought dimly. My face was a mess, and my insides were shredded, bloody and raw, but I didn't think I had any broken bones. I stood up slowly, using my hands on the edges of the trash can to steady myself. I felt some tenderness under my ribs, and lifted my shirt to see the area red and blue, already starting to bruise. I was sure it would be black by nightfall. What time is it? I thought, as I stepped out of my shorts and briefs, using my underwear to wipe the bloody, semen-soaked miasma from between my butt cheeks. When I had cleaned as much as I could, I deposited the gory rag into the trash can and pulled up my shorts. I checked my watch and saw that it was almost six in the evening. I wouldn't get home until after ten, but I couldn't bring myself to call anyone just yet. My legs felt wobbly, like they were made of rubber, and my anus hurt with every step as I slowly walked toward the street, eyes glassy and shell-shocked, past the wet stain on the pavement which was once a happy blue raspa. By the time I got back to Tynah and Rex's house, my mom was there, and everyone was very upset because I hadn't called. I told them that I had missed the bus and hadn't been able to find a public phone which worked. Tynah was so heavily suburbanized that she bought the story instantly, and everyone else seemed to go along with it. I could tell that my mom was mad as we loaded my bike into the back of her 1973 Plymouth Duster and drove back to Universal City, but I knew she wouldn't beat me. I'd just get the silent treatment for a few days, and that was fine by me. I was just thankful beyond words that I didn't have to ride my bike home ten miles with what was going on in my behind. My shorts would have been soaked with blood by the time I got home, if I managed to even ride that far. * * * * * Now, fourteen months later, I laid in my bed at Rex and Tynah's house, replaying the rape in my mind for the thousandth time. Why hadn't I called the police? Well, the best description I could have given at the time was "two Mexicans of average height, average build, and no distinguishing marks, and a guy who could have been Native American." Oh, yeah, "they all had black hair and dark eyes." That could match about two-thirds of the population of San Antonio at the time. Also, I just didn't want to talk about it. I still don't like to talk about it. Because I started developing a complex about it. Did they know I was gay just by looking at me? Did I do something to provoke them? Did I want them to do it? Well, of course now I know the answers to all of those questions was "no", but it's pretty typical for survivors of violent sexual assault to go through all those mental gymnastics of blaming themselves, and that's what I did. There was one more set of questions that was part of that complex, however, and it didn't have such an easy answer, especially considering everything which had happened before that rape, and everything which had happened since. Particularly in light of what had happened in the last few months. Was I just doomed to a life of perpetual insanity and violence? Was God mad at me because I liked other boys? Was the fact that my conception was an accident somehow cursing me to eternal trials and tribulations? Was my soul lost? Would I just continue to suffer and suffer and suffer again, until I finally couldn't take it anymore and gave in to that voice that told me to end it all? I listened to the sounds of Tynah and Rex angrily banging around at opposite ends of the house until I finally fell into a restless and troubled sleep. And the next morning, I woke up as usual and began getting ready for school. Enemies fill up the pages Are they me? Monday 'til Sunday in stages Set me free
  10. SHDWriter

    Chapter 45

    BLAINE MAXWELL'S JOURNAL So I went and picked Taine up from Polk around 3:45 this afternoon. Rick was just standing there with his back to me when I pulled up, and never turned around. Taine ran to get in my car and didn't say a word the whole way back to our new house in Alamo Heights. I didn't push him, because I knew my little bro well enough to know that he would talk to me or Dad about it when he was damn good and ready, and not before. So I just drove, although I really wanted to comfort him, because I could tell he was all torn up about the convo. When we got home, Taine went straight up to his room. I thought about going up there to talk to him, but figured we would maybe go out by the pool later. This new pool we had was twice the size of the one at the house in Brookwood, and the whole deck was done up in inlaid Italian marble. There was a bar just like at the old place, but much nicer, made of onyx, glass, and gleaming chrome. I went out there looking for Dad, but didn't see him so I went back inside the house. I heard grunting from the dining room, and found Dad in there trying to move our giant china cabinet around to the long side of the dining room table. I took off my jacket and hurried to help him. Dad likes to do everything himself, even though he's had a few problems over the years with his lower back. Formula 1 racing isn't exactly kind on the spinal column! Anyway, I knew why he was moving it there. He needed the wall above the foot of the table to be clear so he could hang Mom's picture. I couldn't decide if the tradition he and Taine had started of having Mom looking down on us as we ate and setting a place for her at the table was heartbreakingly sweet or kind of creepy, but if it made them happy, who was I to judge? When we had moved the china cabinet, Dad took a nail and hammered it in the wall above the foot of the table, then carefully hung Mom's picture, walking around to the head of the table to see if it was straight. He nodded to himself, apparently satisfied, then grabbed us a couple of beers from the fridge and gestured for me to join him at the pool outside. We had sat down in the deck chairs and cracked our beers before he spoke. "So, how'd it go over there?" he asked, trying to be casual about it. "I don't really know," I said. "I pulled up, Rick had his back to me, and Taine didn't say anything the whole way home. I don't think it went too well." Dad nodded, sipping his beer, and then said something that shocked me. "This is your mother's fault," he growled, waving one of his meaty fingers in the air for emphasis. "After Patty died, Peggy got all religious. It was her way of coping with it, I guess, but I couldn't stand it. Practically the only time she ever left the house was to go to that damn Baptist church over in Hudson Falls." "I don't get it," I said. "Mom being Baptist made Taine gay?" "No, Blaine," Dad said patiently, as if talking to a child. "She got really conservative. She railed about sin and liquor and promiscuity and drugs and gays...she wouldn't even have sex with me anymore." I winced. One of the worst things about being an adult was when your parents started to talk about their sex lives to you. Even the lack of them. You didn't even want to think that they had those desires, unfulfilled or not. But Dad was on a roll. "I'd wake up every morning like this," he said, raising his fisted arm tensed hard. "And all I got was lectures about the Bible. We were married, for Christ's sake! Anyway, I couldn't control what kind of crap she was putting into Taine's head when I was on the road." "Ohhh," I said, finally getting it. "You think she's why Taine is conflicted." "Must be," Dad replied, finishing his beer. He went over to the bar and began fixing himself a margarita. "I sure never raised a child who would be ashamed of who he was." "Why do you think Taine is ashamed?" I asked, downing my own beer and joining him at the bar. "Can you make me a Manhattan? I don't know how." "Sure." Dad finished making his drink and fished out some bourbon and sweet vermouth. "I'll tell you why I think he's ashamed. I saw the way he looked at Rick. I saw the way Rick looked at him. Those two are as in love as any two people I've ever seen in my life. And they...well, who do you think does the laundry around here?" "Oh, jeeze." I winced again. "Too much information." He looked over at me and grinned, shaking the bourbon and vermouth in a steel ice-shaker and pouring it into a martini glass. "My point is," he continued, adding a few dashes of aromatic bitters and a cherry to my drink, "all of a sudden Taine starts asking me all these questions about your mother...right after we had that talk and he went upstairs with Rick. It was an emotional day, remember, and I think it brought back some memories of her for him, too." I remembered. Dad had already told me about the talk he had with Taine and Rick in the parking lot of the old auto parts store on Walden, and then that got followed up by reintroducing my sorry ass into the family at the Brookwood house pool. Taine and Rick had gone upstairs for a long time, and I figured they were doing more than talking. Then they came back down, and Taine gave me a huge hug, and pretty soon all four of us were hugging and crying. We felt like a family again. But Dad told me later that Taine had come to him in his study and wanted to talk about Mom. And, come to think of it, it was shortly after that when I heard Taine and Dad talking about what house we were going to buy. I'm not the kind of guy who eavesdrops on private conversations, even with my own family, but I happened to be working on my Charger in the garage, and you could hear conversations in the kitchen through that door pretty well. The acoustics in the garage even amplified what was being said. So I really couldn't help it. Okay, that's a lie. But cut a guy some slack...I'd been out of the family for a long time, and I was interested in learning as much as possible, about both Taine and my Dad. So I listened. Sue me. Here's what I heard: DAD: So I've been looking at some houses in Windcrest. They're pretty nice, and you could go to private school if you wanted over at St. Gerard and still see Rick. TAINE: I don't really want to live in Windcrest, Dad. Can't we look in some other places? And private school you have to wear uniforms, don't you? I'd freaking die. DAD: Well, I don't want these lowlifes at Polk harassing you all the time. One more thing with that Gorman kid and I'm going to end up in jail, what I'd do to him. TAINE: (laughing) DAD: What about Chamberlain? The kids over there aren't so...rough, but it's close enough that Rick could still hop a bus over here to see you. Look, the VIA goes right from the mall by Polk to Chamberlain Estates. It runs until nine, but he could spend the night whenever he wants and get straight to school in the morning. There was a long pause. I clunked some tools around just so they didn't get the wrong (right) idea, but was straining to hear Taine's response. TAINE: I don't want to see Rick anymore. I told you already. I want to go farther away. What about near Jefferson or Alamo Heights? Please? There was another long pause. DAD: You're sure about this? TAINE: Yes. I'm sure. And please don't say anything to Rex or Rick's mom. I toed off my shoes and went back in the house then, and the conversation stopped, but I saw Dad with a strange, perplexed look on his face at Taine's request. Still, he nodded slowly and began looking at the realtor's catalog again, this time in the Alamo Heights section. We had all settled on this gorgeous house -- mansion, by my standards -- within an hour. I sipped my Manhattan in the deck chair next to Dad, still not really clear on the situation. "So you think Taine suddenly remembered some anti-gay junk that Mom was talking about, and that's why he pulled this weird break-up with Rick?" Dad shrugged. "I really don't know what else it could be, Blaine. They settled the whole hat thing. They didn't fight. They didn't cheat on each other. Hell, I have never seen Taine this happy, and then all of a sudden he wants to move in the dead of night? He wants to never see this kid again?" I nodded, contemplating the cherry bobbing in my drink. I was just starting to like Rick, too. After our little family-bonding session, I even looked at him as a brother. A friend. A guy who would kill or die to protect my little bro when Dad or I couldn't. And I saw how they were with each other. They were gentle. Tender. They treated each other like the most precious things on Earth, and the few times I saw them kiss...it was...well, it was about the sweetest thing you ever saw. I had talked a little about Rick with Taine the next day after our group powwow, and he said that the first time Rick had hugged him, he hadn't known what to do with it, because Rick was the first person he'd hugged who had needed it as much as he did. So it was a puzzle. Dad accepted Taine's and Rick's relationship. So did I. So did Rick's dad -- "Old Blood and Guts," of all people -- and all of their friends at school. Rick's mom didn't ever know, so the only person who didn't seem to accept their relationship was Taine. But I wasn't sure that my late mother's religious rants were the real reason. "Dad," I said. "I don't think it's because of Mom. As much as he loved her, Taine always had his own opinions. And I was there when you weren't for a while. Taine always complained about her religious nonsense. He thought she'd flipped her wig with some of the stuff she started saying. That's not it." "Then what?" he rasped. "What would make him suddenly throw Rick away? Throw love away? Nobody's rejecting him or picking on him, we'd kill anyone who tried. Blaine, I'm completely okay with it, and once you started to know Rick, you were too. So what could it be?" "I'll tell you what I think, Dad," I said quietly. "Taine has always been different. Unique. Sensitive. Very, very sensitive, and very smart...perceptive. As far back as I remember, there has been something...something that hurt him about this world." Dad nodded. "When he was born, the doctor said he'd never delivered a baby like Taine. He didn't cry, didn't smile. Just stared around the delivery room with big, wide eyes. Like he was shocked to be here. Like he didn't know what was around him, but he was both afraid of it and...I don't know...disappointed by it." "Yeah," I said. "And when he was a kid, other kids saw that he was different. And kids...I mean, Dad, there are so many great things about kids, but they can't handle difference. So they picked on him. They bullied him. They didn't let him play their stupid reindeer games. And it hurt him, Dad. It hurt him bad. And over the years, he had to construct an identity, like everyone else does, but his had to be completely false. He had to put up brick walls to cover the sensitive kid inside, while still maintaining just enough of a front to keep the bullies at bay. And when that didn't work, he decided to become invisible." Dad nodded, taking in what I was saying. For all his great effort at being a real father now, I still knew Taine better than he did. So I continued teaching him about his younger son. "But inside, Dad, he was also going through all the pain, the self-doubt, the fear, the anger, the self-loathing that comes from that kind of rejection. It almost hurt him too much to be alive. But over the years, he was able to carefully, piece by piece, assemble an identity that he could live with, if only barely. He came to create the internal Taine, to know who Taine Maxwell was, and to at least be comfortable enough with that to get up out of bed in the morning, even as much as it hurt him." Dad went to refill our drinks, but was still all ears as I went on. "And then," I said, "here comes Rick. And now everything that Taine had believed about himself, this carefully-constructed identity, this fragile defense against all of his doubts, his fears, his pain at being so sensitive and so different...all of that is now up for grabs. His world is rocked, and suddenly he's that scared kid again. On top of all that, he gets bullied. His knight in shining armor has his dog slashed to fucking ribbons. His Dad gets his brand-new Lambo trashed. And...his brother shows up out of nowhere, stirring up all those memories, all that pain. So what would you do?" Dad handed me my drink and sat back down in his deck chair, thinking. "I tell you what you'd do, Dad," I concluded. "You'd cling to the only life-raft you could. Like you did with racing when Patty died and Mom flipped. And that's what Taine is doing. Only he doesn't have racing to cling to, or anything external. All Taine has to cling to is what was inside him, that identity he built to protect himself, to get through each day. And being even more different, loving Rick and spending his life with a man, that's not part of that shield. He sees that as making him twice as vulnerable, twice as different, twice as weird. And all the acceptance we give him, or anyone gives him, won't help unless he accepts himself. And that's not going to be easy for him right now." Dad ran a hand over his sad, bulldog mouth and pulled it up over his face, rubbing his eyes. "So," he said at last. "What do we do?" I had to admit that I had no idea.
  11. SHDWriter

    Chapter 44

    I share your opinion on this, but since I obviously identify more with Rick (snicker) that's exactly what I would say... as for the family, tomorrow's chapter should shed some light on what's been going on.
  12. SHDWriter

    Chapter 44

    Wow, that is so great to hear. Thank you so much. It worried me, and I wrestled with this chapter more than any other than Chap. 46, which should be up Sunday and is the final chapter before the Epilogue, which should appear on Monday. I am happy to know that it seems to have come out well. Again, thank you for this comment.
  13. SHDWriter

    Chapter 44

    Well, the next chapter will actually answer that, as it is an excerpt from Blaine's journal which will show a bit more about what has been happening with the Maxwells. As for the animal murder, I think that Kevin's friend growling "Woof woof, mf" at Rick in the school hallway settled that question. If not, let me clarify: that was indeed Kevin and his friends.
  14. SHDWriter

    Chapter 44

    "I came to see your audition. We'll talk after." Taine followed me into the Polk High School auditorium, receiving a big hug -- despite a disapproving look -- from Linda, a high-five from Carter, and an acknowledging nod from Jim. He sat patiently through the auditions, and -- if I'm honest -- I have to say that I don't even remember auditioning myself. I know I must have, because people complimented me on my way from the stage, and Mr. McRory was smiling as I made my way past the sixth row, where he sat with his work-light and a yellow legal pad, making copious notes on every actor. As I neared the back of the auditorium, Taine rose from his seat in the back row, following me outside and down the hall to the side entrance of the school. I walked out onto the little apron of sidewalk and leaned on an empty bicycle rack, lit a cigarette, and just stared at Taine as he caught up to me, waiting for him to speak. It had only been a few days, and already he looked different to me. He looked tired, exhausted even. There were dark circles and slight bags beneath his beautiful green eyes, which seemed hollow and glassy, without the mischievous spark which always made me shiver with emotion. His smooth face was even more pale than I remembered it, his mouth drawn and the color of his perfect lips lighter than normal. This had obviously been as rough on him as it had on me. He slouched to a stop about five feet away from me, hands stuffed in the pockets of his battered army jacket, clearly unsure of how to begin this conversation, or even if he really wanted to. I wasn't sure that I wanted him to either, but now that he was here, I had to know. Taine looked down at the ground, the brim of his cap covering his face while he wrestled privately with his thoughts and feelings. I was used to this preamble, but was impatient, so my inner turmoil came out -- as it often does -- with heavy sighs and exhalations of cigarette smoke in long, dragon-like columns of frustrated steam. Finally, the brim of the cap raised, and I could see those magical eyes again, now a light grey beneath the cloudy October skies. Even through my roiling emotions, I always marveled at the way Taine's eyes changed color seemingly at will, and although I understood about rods and cones and refracted light, the color of his eyes always seemed to match his feelings like a 1970s mood-ring. "Last night," he said softly, "I went downstairs to get some orange soda, some ice, and some Doritos. I stood there...thinking that I was coming to see you audition today...and I put the ice...right in the Doritos...instead of the soda." His eyes held on mine, and he tried to manage a faint smile, but it didn't quite work. The one I tried to form in return didn't really work either. He must have seen the bewilderment and pain in my expression, because he nodded his head slowly, never breaking eye contact. "It's hard for me, too," he said. "But it's better this way." "Better!" I exclaimed incredulously. "What is better about this, Taine? What the hell is possibly better about this?" "The world is a vampire," he replied. "It just slowly sucks away anything good. Nothing can ever stay perfect, Ricky, and what we had was perfect. It's like the snow when I lived in New York. It starts out perfect and pure, like us. And then it starts to melt a little bit, and it refreezes with dirt inside it, and looks ugly and flecked with mud. And then cars go over it and it melts some more. Then it turns to this black, yucky slush. And then it melts some more, and runs off the road, and what's left turns into black ice, and it can kill people, Ricky. And then there's nothing left but dirt and pain." He turned away, and I could see that he was fighting to blink back tears. I shook my head questioningly. It had become our sign that he needed to elaborate, to translate his elusive, ethereal thoughts so that my primitive mind could grasp his meaning. He tried not to show his frustration, as always, and turned back to me, his voice almost pleading with me to understand. "What we had was the only perfect thing I'd ever had," he said. "I didn't want to watch it get eroded, eaten away every day by this shitty school and this awful world. I wanted to hold it, to remember it, to make sure that it never changed. That it never went away." "So you just disappeared?" I was becoming upset. "Taine, what the hell? You made Sly and Blaine move, changed schools, all just to freeze our relationship in your head like a bug in amber?" "No, no, no," Taine said, exasperation creeping in. "Sly wanted a nicer house, with more room. He didn't want me being bullied at Polk anymore. He wanted Blaine to have his own area in the house, all that stuff. So he started looking around for places in Windcrest, so I could still be close to you, or near Chamberlain so we could still take the bus and see each other. " "So why Alamo Heights?" I cried out. "If he wanted us to be close together, why the hell did he pick Alamo Heights? That's all the way across the fucking city! The bus doesn't even go there unless you go downtown first and come back up! It takes like five hours!" "I know," he smirked. "I just did that, and if Blaine wasn't picking me up, I'd have to do it again. I don't start school until Monday. But I had to talk to you one more time. I had to see you and tell you why, so you wouldn't wonder." He came over to me and gently brushed the tears from my cheeks, taking my face in both of his soft, perfect hands and raising it to look at him. He wasn't crying, I noticed, and the thought made me cry harder. "Rick," he said evenly, "it was me. I asked Sly to get a house in Alamo Heights. Shit...every day that I stayed here, Ricky. Every time you had to fight for me, or Sly's car got vandalized, or your dog got killed, or some other thing happened that would only happen to me, you would love me less. And don't say that you wouldn't, because I know you would. I didn't want that to happen...I don't want that to ever happen. I want you to remember us the way that I remember us." I exhaled sharply and knocked his hands from my face, standing up and walking away from him. Then my anger got the better of me and I turned, my expression a mask of rage. I pointed my index finger at him, furiously jabbing the air to punctuate my words. "You are so full of SHIT!" I growled. "You just ride into town, make me fall in love with you, make me fight for you, make me decide I can never love anyone else but YOU! Then you are going to turn around and ride right out of my life because you're too afraid to handle a real relationship? The mysterious fucking stranger who makes everyone swoon and then gallops away before anyone really knows him? Is that how you see yourself?" Taine's eyes widened at my verbal assault. He backed up a few feet, but made no attempt to flee, which strengthened my resolve. He needed to hear this and I needed to say it. "That's not you, Taine! All the Bauhaus and the perfect snowfalls and sad poems and pretty pictures are just your way of hiding what's really great about you! Life isn't a Goth song, Taine, and it would be really fucked up if it was. And neither is love. You can't spend the rest of your life in and out of infatuation with some stupid Wednesday Addams that disappoints you every other day. You are starving yourself of real love in some fantasy world of snowflakes and moonbeams when it's right here in front of your face!" I stopped then, dropping my hand and softening my tone. I didn't want to scare him, and he seemed so afraid, so lost, so hurt all the time. Passion scared him, anger scared him, sex scared him, love scared him, I scared him. I didn't want to scare him. I only wanted to love him. "Taine," I said gently. "Nothing on this earth could ever make me stop loving you. Can't you see that?" "There is one thing," he said. "You're a great friend to me, Ricky. And before I say this, please don't think that what we did together was bad for me, or that I thought it was wrong, or anything like that. But I can't be gay. I'm not gay. I'm straight. What we did was really amazing, but it wasn't amazing because of the sex." "You could have fooled me," I sneered, but instantly regretted it when I saw the frustration building in him again. "No!" Taine barked. "Maybe it looked that way, but...no. It was amazing because of the feelings, the closeness, the...just being open with another person with no walls. It gets so hard to hold these walls up all the time...it tears me apart inside every day from the effort of holding up these damn walls...and it was nice to let them down for a few weeks with you. Really nice, but I can't do that forever. I can't. I wish I could, but I can't." "Nice," I repeated. "It was 'really nice'. Like a poem or a song. Nice. You know what's nice, Taine? Waking up in the morning in the arms of someone who loves you more than life itself. Who would kill or die for you. Who would take all the crazy shit you dish out and love you anyway. Who can fight with you over song lyrics and movie quotes and still kiss you even in the middle of the argument. Who doesn't use the fact that you're in bed sick as an excuse to cheat on you. Who will always put your needs above his own. And who can fuck up sometimes and you love them anyway. And you explain to them how they fucked up and they love you enough to try not to do it again." Taine nodded. "Yes, but I'm not gay. You want me falling asleep in your arms and wishing it was Cheryl Tiegs? You want me telling you I don't want to make love with you because once that initial emotional explosion happened, all it means to me is that we're good friends who live together? You want me still feeling that what I really want is out there somewhere and I'm just hanging around to spare your feelings? Every day, that would eat away at both of us until we were just like that dirty slush and black ice. Do you want that?" I shook my head. "No," I said. "And that's not what would happen. I get it, Taine. You don't want your soulmate to be a guy. I understand that. In your perfect world, I'd be a big-titted Goth chick who floats on the air and sings about ravens and graveyards. But you know what? That would be Hell for you. Because you love me. And I love you. And what we love about each other is something you will never find in a woman, nor will I. You know it, and I know it. And we'll never find it in any other man, either. This isn't about straight or gay or bi, Taine. It's about YOU and ME! And that's a lot more important than sex, Babes. Which, by the way, you enjoyed whether you want to admit it or not. I was there." Then it dawned on me. "I was there," I whispered. "I was there! That's why you wanted to pick up and leave and never see me again. It got to you, and you wanted to erase it. And the way to do that...was to not be around...the only other person who knew how much you enjoyed it. You're ashamed of us. That's why you left. You feel guilty and you're ashamed of us!" I stared at him, stunned, looking for confirmation in his eyes. But the brim of the cap had come down. Taine was disengaging from me, maybe forever. "You can think that if you want," Taine said, his voice sad and -- it seemed to me -- disappointed in my conclusions. "It seems like everything I say...even the little subtle things underneath that tell someone how you really feel...no matter how much I talk, no matter how much I 'open up'...I still get misunderstood more and more." "Explain it to me," I said. "Two statements: One...'What we had was the only perfect thing I've ever had in my life.' Two...'I'm straight.' It doesn't make any sense, Taine. If you have a problem with the way our feelings get labeled, let's not label them. Let's just be together. We don't have to call what we have anything that makes you uncomfortable. It's just us, Taine. Just us." "People have enough reasons to pick on me already," Taine said. "I just can't, Rick. Even if I really was gay, I couldn't deal with all of that. This is Texas, Rick. It's not normal." "Normal? Since when have you ever cared about being normal in any other way? Taine...I love you. I know you love me, too. Don't end us before we've even really begun." "I love you as a friend, Rick," Taine said. "But I can't be here. I can't be around you, because otherwise...well, it's better for both of us." "Stop saying that!" I exclaimed. "It's not better for either one of us. And definitely not for me! Taine...Babes...I can't live without you. I can't." I knew it was a lost cause. Taine looked up at me again, his face compassionate, warm. It was the "let him down easy" look and I hated it. "You'll live," he said. "Please, Ricky. Live, love, be happy. I'll try to do the same. Please wish me luck in that." The lump in my throat wouldn't let me speak. I just nodded, tears streaming from my eyes. I heard an engine in the parking lot behind me, and turned to see Blaine's Charger pulling up to take Taine away from me forever. Taine shuffled slowly by me, his head down. He paused at my side, touching my shoulder briefly before hurrying to his brother's car. I didn't turn around until I heard the sounds of the Charger's engine fading away as it pulled onto Walden Road. I looked at the empty space where the car had been, wiped my eyes, and took a deep, lonely breath before walking back inside the school.
  15. SHDWriter

    Chapter 43

    When I came into the kitchen the next morning -- running late after insomnia had kept me awake much of the previous night -- Tynah had already left for work and Rex was nowhere to be seen. I guessed that he had made his morning grocery run to the H.E.B., which must mean that Linda had come and gone, expecting that I would have taken the early bus. I still had about fifteen minutes to catch the late bus, so I re-filled Heidi's dog-dish with food and water, poured some coffee and sat down at the table for a cigarette. The five-dollar bill was there as usual, but it was sitting on top of a section of the San Antonio Light which had been folded back and had an item circled in Rex's fine-lined blue pen. The section was the one which listed the recent home sales, and the circled item listed a home in Alamo Heights which had just been purchased by one S.B. Maxwell. I stared at the address for a moment, committing it to memory. Rex really does read the paper from cover to cover, I thought to myself, and was grateful that he did. But Alamo Heights? That was clear across town, the toney rich neighborhood where the woman who t-boned us in the truck had lived. More pertinent to my interests, it wasn't just across town but in an entirely different school district. Shit. I took Rex's pen, scribbled "thanks, Rex!" next to the circled item, and left for the bus stop. I wouldn't be able to do anything about it that day, as the auditions for Our Town would be held in the afternoon after school. As I trudged up the street, I saw that the ironically-named "late bus" had arrived early, and had to run like a maniac to jump through the door just before it closed and the bus pulled away. I debated what to do with this new information, this address in Alamo Heights, as the bus rolled along up Walden Road. Did I really want to know why they left so suddenly? Did I really want to go seeking out an answer which was likely to break my heart all over again? After all, I hadn't heard one peep from Taine on the phone since they had moved, had received not one note, one letter...nothing! If this had been any other family, I would have suspected parental disapproval: moving him away so that we couldn't be together, forcing him to date some snooty Alamo Heights chick in a pleated skirt, maybe even packing him away to one of those religious youth camps near Dallas where they claimed to be able to "fix" kids like us by praying the gay away. But this was Sly Maxwell's family. The same Sly Maxwell who had given us that great talk full of unconditional love and acceptance in the parking lot that day. The same Sly Maxwell who had been nothing but loving and supportive when he talked to Taine about his feelings out by the swimming pool. And the same Sly Maxwell who, like a proud Papa Bear, had carefully gathered Taine, Blaine, and me together by that pool for what amounted to a massive family therapy session. The four of us came out of that session -- I thought -- bonded at the hip. Four musketeers, all for one and one for all. And Taine and I had made sweet, gentle love that day, and afterward seemed closer than ever. And then they were gone. The bus pulled into the circle at Polk High and I made my way out, shuffling behind a row of students who were taking as long as they possibly could to get off and begin their school day. When I had finally run this slouching gauntlet, I hurried into the school to find Linda for some much needed advice. Instead I ran into Nathan, on his way to the office because some ninja throwing-stars had been found in his locker. He was outraged at this invasion of his personal space, but chuckled at the situation nonetheless. "I'm going to be the first person ever expelled from Polk for being a ninja," he laughed. "How bad-ass is that?" "Super bad-ass," I assured him, but inside I was eye-rolling up a storm. "Keep your dick up, Bubba," said Nathan, indicating Kathy Witcher strolling down the hall. "Your big mama jama might want another taste of freshman meat!" I shook my head, grinning as Nathan strode purposefully into the office. I had told him about my encounter with Kathy when I was at his house (leaving out the parts involving Mark and Jeff), and he had been suitably impressed by my scoring a blowjob from a 12th grade girl to dub me "The Senior Suck-Toy". It wasn't a nickname that stuck, thank goodness, for I would learn that Nathan seemed to invent new nicknames for people every day. Maybe it's because he never had one. I resolved to come up with one for him soon. I didn't catch up with Linda until 4th period Drama, where we were working on some exercises and learning about character analysis. Linda and I excused ourselves to the auditorium, presumably to work on our Duet, but there wasn't another tournament for two weeks and we were fine just sitting on the edge of the stage and talking. "You know, Rick," she said, a thoughtful expression on her face, "maybe he didn't have a choice in the matter, and was too nervous about your reaction to talk to you before. You know how shy he is, even with you, and he really hates confrontation more than just about anything." "So you don't think it was the hat thing?" I asked, only half-joking. I honestly didn't know what it might have been. "No, silly," she said. "But you do have a point about his dad and brother not saying anything either. It's just bizarre. His dad really seemed to like you, and you told me that Blaine even came around." "I know," I sighed, kicking my heels against the stage. "It doesn't make any sense at all to me. I don't know what to do." "Rick. You're afraid of what the answer might be, aren't you? You're afraid that Taine changed his mind." "Yeah," I admitted, nodding. "I'm scared about the answer, so I don't know if I should even ask the question." "I see," Linda said sarcastically. "You are afraid of rejection, so you're just going to let the boy whom you have said many, many times means more to you than anything else in the world disappear from your life with no explanation? That makes a lot of sense!" "Yeah." I hung my head sadly, embarrassed. "Rick," Linda said, trying another tack, "what if I go to his new house? What if I go over there all pissed off asking how he could just leave without saying goodbye? He likes me, he trusts me, and most importantly I'm a girl, so he's intimidated by me. I will get some answers." I thought about it for a minute. It was an attractive offer, sparing me the humiliation of being the spurned, heartbroken lover showing up at the door begging for "closure." Besides, I didn't want closure. I wanted Taine. And I couldn't let Linda go around doing my dirty work forever. "No," I said. I would either do it or I wouldn't, but I wasn't about to let Linda do it for me. "Suit yourself, but the offer's open. I'm actually a little upset with him myself." "Linda, you don't have to..." "Oops!" She held up a hand, silencing me. "Not just on your behalf, Rick. I don't like going to all this effort to make friends with him only to have him turn his back on me, too. Not all of my going over there pissed off would be acting." "I really appreciate that, Linda." I turned to look her in the eye. "I really do. You're a great friend to me, but if I'm going over there, I'm doing it myself. And if I don't, that's because I can't deal with the answer, even if you get it for me." Her expression softened. She took me in her arms, hugging me tight and stroking the back of my Izod soothingly. "Oh, Rick," she cooed softly. "I hate seeing you in pain like this. I know Taine meant more to you than anyone ever did in your life, and I can't imagine what kind of effect this is having on you, especially not knowing why." She broke the embrace, meeting my gaze seriously and lovingly. "I understand if you don't want to know, Ricky. If you ever need to talk, you know I'm always here for you." "Thanks," I smiled. "That's what Duet partners are for," she murmured, then got to her feet on the stage, facing front and loudly clearing her throat. I knew what she was up to and leapt to my feet beside her as she spoke. "Doris and George are married..." "..but not to each other," I continued. And I was thinking, yeah, we kind of are. * * * * * Nathan was back in my 5th period Biology class in his usual seat after receiving a stern warning about bringing ninja throwing stars to school. The warning turned into detention when he inquired about whether nunchaku sticks were banned as well, but it didn't seem to faze him. He liked playing the rebel. Sixth period P.E. was the usual lame activity followed by the wet, steamy cock-show which was my primary interest in showing up. As broken up and confused as I was about my lover's disappearance, I was starting to miss sex just as much, and found my eyes wandering around the communal showers more than usual. My eyes settled between the legs of the Swedish foreign-exchange student, a tall and blonde young Adonis named Erik. His damp, slippery cock lay nestled in a soft, blondish-brown nest of fuzz as he washed his hair, eyes closed under the spraying showerhead. His tool was lightly tanned like the rest of him, and uncut, like only two other boys in our class, and the sight was not unattractive. In fact, I could make out the shape of his thick mushroom-shaped head beneath his foreskin, and the sight was beginning to cause some stirrings in my own loins. Erik was long and thick, at least five inches soft and as many inches around, and I couldn't stop staring at it shifting around as he moved, wet and glistening, rolling against his large balls, which also danced provocatively in their hairless, low-hanging pouch. Nice, I thought. Then I happened to glance up, right into his bright blue eyes, which were watching me watching him, and didn't seem happy about it. I quickly looked to the wall, resuming my shower. Soaping my chest, belly and pits, I glanced back over my shoulder, only to see Erik's gaze focused right on my wet, hairless ass. Now I didn't know what to think. Was he offended that I was looking at him, or was he scoping me out as well? I filed the exchange of looks away in my mind for future research. Right now, my focus was on finishing my shower, getting dressed, and giving my hair enough time to dry before my audition. As I was pulling on my black Jordache jeans by the black-painted A-frame dressing benches, Erik walked right up next to me. He was completely naked and still dripping wet, his towel held casually in one large hand at his side. "You like what you see?" he asked, his voice low enough that no one could hear but me. "What do you mean?" I was sure that I was blushing like a pink giraffe. I slipped my Izod over my head in an attempt at nonchalance, and by the time I had it pulled down and in place, he wasn't in front of me anymore. I looked back to see where he had gone, and saw him drying off a few benches away, looking in the opposite direction. The moment had passed, I thought, feeling my ears burning hot with the blush which I was sure now was obvious to anyone watching. I threw on my Reeboks and walked hurriedly toward the locker-room doors as the final bell rang. Thankful for the crowd of students to lose myself in, I swam against the tide with no real annoyance. Everyone else was heading for the parking lots or the bus circle, while I was on my way to the auditorium, so it took me a while to get there. And just as I was about to open the auditorium doors and try out for my first Polk High School Drama Department production, I felt a presence behind me. I glanced back to see what it was, hoping that I wouldn't see Erik's large, tanned hand landing on my shoulder. I didn't. Oh, a hand landed on my shoulder, all right. But it wasn't Erik's golden mitt. It was a pale, slender hand. A perfect, perfect hand.
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