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Sebastian Bauer

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  1. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 28 (We Are All Parisians)

    16.11.2015 Dear C, What a terrifying weekend it’s been! Sad. Just sad. I’m talking about the terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday 13th (what an irony with that day). I am not sure if you were as affected by it as I still am. I mean, what city is next? London? Barcelona? Berlin? *** read the part I wrote today at the bottom of this letter Sometimes I think that maybe it is better that I will have to be deported from here. Living in London would kind of freak me out. I had a short chat with my English tutor today and she said that Singapore is a great city to live. I have been there a few times during my cruise ship days and I remember how clean, wealthy and beautiful that place was. Maybe it is something I could look into it one day in the future. You know baby, a guy in my art classes today said he would gladly pay £100 for the 4 piece of my magic trees! Wow! Someone would actually pay for my work? I’m quite amazed. Or maybe he was just trying to be nice. I am definitely going to order some art materials here. Then I am going to do as many magic trees as possible. What else do I have to do? I wish I could share them with you to know your opinion. God, I miss you so much. How is my bravest solider doing? I don’t have anybody to tell me this really, so I can only guess and hope for the best. I know that if I tried to call you, you wouldn’t probably answer your phone. By now, you might have even changed your number anyway. It is still so unreal to me that you have turned into a guy who is hating me – all from the most loving person I have met. I am not able to hate you, even if I tried. And I have reasons to hate you too. I just can’t. Some guys were making hooch today (a prison version of some kind of alcohol). It is made of some oranges, apples, raisins, sugar and some water I guess. I never tried it and not going to, but some people here had a blast. They went crazy and it resulted in some serious fight between two guys. One of them ended up with broken nose. Not sure if I ever get used to the violence around me. I am scared, but not as much as I used to be. After all, I don’t need to come out alive from this place anymore. You wouldn’t even notice. Last night I had another nightmare. I woke up screaming, I saw the guy who raped me in my cell here. I saw him laughing at me and verbally abusing. My next door neighbour told me that I woke him up in the middle of the night, for what I apologised. I can imagine that my scream must have been quite loud on an empty corridor. What can I do? I can’t help it. I was then scared to go back to sleep thinking I could have the same nightmare again. I didn’t luckily. I spoke a lot to Geoff recently. And another guy Martin. Martin is a young Scottish guy who is on my corridor. He is in a double cell with a guy called John. John is a very quiet man, I can tell he suffers from depression like I do. I hope he will snap out of it soon. Geoff and I share the similar sense of humour, so we even managed to laugh a few times during the afternoon walk around the yard today. He will be also deported back to America and he is dreading it. He will have to go through many checks there and will be sanctions with a lot of restrictions. I feel for him, even though I don’t know him that well. He should be released around a year before me, but he has been inside for almost a year now. You know, as I am writing this to you I just saw the advert of Tesco products and they had a cheese platter. You have no idea how much I would love to eat a bit of cheese. Just a bit. Just a tiny square. You have no idea how does it feel when you are suddenly depraved from the things you normally take for granted. From things like being able to call/text anyone at any time you wish. Or being able to go online. I still have the moments here where I wake up in the morning disbelieving I am inside a prison. It takes me a few seconds to make peace with the fact it’s true. Yet, however, I cannot come to terms with the fact that you have left me. I just can’t. And I don’t know how will I ever do that. Yes, they say time heals and I hope it’s true. Soon, my mum should visit me here with Kasia. It’s gonna be emotional, I have to make sure I will not go into a meltdown of some kind. Lisa should also visit soon. I can’t wait to see them all. Lisa promised me she would be definitely coming before December and before Christmas too. I simply cannot wait. Obviously I can’t wish more for you to visit me here one day, but one can only dream. Babe, I will wrap up here. It’s almost 11pm and my cell is freezing cold – my fingers are becoming numb. I will sleep with my winter jacket on again. My tiny window here is broken and cannot be closed. Please look after yourself. At least you stay warm there and make sure you are following doctors’ orders. Be brave. Everything will be alright one day soon. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian *** At the time of writing this letter (16th of November 2015) I had absolutely no idea that in the years to come, the following terrorist attack would happen in the exact cities I mentioned in my letter: London (3rd of June 2017), Barcelona (17th of August 2017), Berlin (19th of December 2016). I only realised that terrifying fact as I was re-typing this particular letter today (after writing my letters I never read them back until now). May all those who died in these terrible events rest in peace.
  2. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 27 (ARTPOP)

    13.11.2015 Dear C, Happy anniversary of Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP album! Remember how I surprised you with the shiny new CD with additional DVD of her performance on iTunes Festival? And not only that – that was the day we moved in together in Wandsworth. Wasn’t it great? The first day and night in our own place. We turned it something special, didn’t we? I felt like the happiest guy ever, although the prospect of the court case was looming over my head and I was getting more and more withdrawn and scared of everything – mostly of losing you if I told you about it. But I tried my hardest to make every day count for us and to make sure we are living a good life. I had days when I felt numb – especially at nights. Sometimes I just laid there next to you paralysed with fear. As I was watching you sleep, I sometimes cried – that how scared I was. But in the morning I put everything behind me and I put a smile on my face to enjoy a new day with you. Here now I struggle a lot. And I know you don’t care if I’m ok here, I know that. But you see each day is a real struggle. I am balancing between a total breakdown and that little hope that maybe everything will alright one day. And by saying this I still mean that we could be together again one day. I sometimes try to fool myself saying that I don’t care about you, but it’s a lie. You are the only person in this world I care so much. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. Just now – there was some Argos advert on TV – and all I could see was you telling me your daily stories from your work in Argos. I am wondering how is your mother’s attitude towards you now? Does she still think you are evil because you are gay? I know she was coming to see you in the hospital, but I wonder how she really thinks. That what scares me a lot – what if you don’t have anyone there who could truly care for you, when you need it the most. I feel so hopeless because I can’t be there with you. It’s terrible. I wrote a letter to prison’s governor today to allow me but some art materials, so I could paint in my cell. People are allowed to do that. There is a special art catalogue here that you can order from, it’s called Specialist. The prices are so high comparing to what I earn here. My 7 pounds a week can’t even cover half a box of the cheapest watercolour paints. So I asked the governor to allow me use the money that I have on my private account – my mum sent me 50 pound last week. I hope she will let me.I would love to be able to paint in my cell. Evenings are the worst. I just lay down on my bed and cry. And I can’t help it! When will my tears dry for good? Maybe if I painted I would forget a bit about everything... Today David came to my cell with his coffee. He was telling me about his wife – French woman who lives in France. She is coming to visit him next weekend – all 3 days! He is so excited. She is coming all the way from France. And you know what – she is totally blind, so she is travelling with a guide dog. Bless her. I have noticed David is not very popular with other prisoners here. They call him a “grass” or “snitch”. I am pretty sure he reports everything back to the office, but I don’t care. I have nothing to hide. People smoke here for sure and smoke weed too. But it’s not my business. Someone told me today – his name is Adrian, that David apparently killed his other cellmate with a metal chair in another prison years ago and ate his brain… OMG! Can you imagine? And he is my current companion! When I think about it, I can’t even digest that thought. And I kind of believe what Adrian said, after all David has been in prison since 1950 something… It’s mad. It’s so scary too. What if he decides to kill me here one day – for no reason? But on the other hand it would quite alright, as long he does it quick so I don’t have to feel the pain for too long. Then if he wants to eat my brain – go ahead, bon appetite. I don’t care. I suppose I am just too tired to live. If there was only a way to switch my life off for good. Like switching some machine off. Wouldn’t it be great? I had a chat with the nurse from wellbeing clinique and she was worried about me a bit I think. She told me I need to try to find something to keep me going. Hence I am trying to order art stuff. They also have a Weight Loss programme at the gym here. There are 3 sessions a week and you do special exercises to help you lose weight. Maybe I should try that? After all I could lose some weight. I have lost some already, but more is required. Maybe I should do that. At the moment the antidepressants make me feel very sleepy most of the time, can’t even imagine doing any physical exercises. There is a short guy here who jogs every day as long as he can – he is like a robot. His name is Graham. Maybe one day I will try too, but I will never be able to do what he does. C, how much I wish I was free. You have no idea how tired I am of this prison. I wanna feel like a human being again. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  3. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 26 (Rossopomodorro)

    11.11.2015 Dear C, How I wish I knew how you really are. All I am getting here is my mum’s feedback and I am sure she wouldn’t tell me if something was wrong – not to worry me. I spoke to her on the phone today and she told me she haven’t heard from you in a week, so obviously I got worried. I just hope you are ok. Maybe you don’t want to keep in touch with her anymore…? I don’t know. You know, today during the exercise time (that’s how they call the time when we are let out from our blocks to walk around the prison yard) I spoke to Geoff. He is an American guy, who came here with me from the previous prison. He is very pleasant, well-educated guy. He is trying to keep his relationship on with his boyfriend called Robert. He told me a bit about it. Robert comes to visit him frequently, which is nice. I then thought to myself how much I would love to sit with you and talk. To be given the chance to look into your eyes and just talk. But I have a feeling it might never happen. I was looking at the birthday card that my mum bought and sent to me – the card meant for you. I asked her to do so a few weeks ago. But I wonder if you’d even acknowledge this or rather put it straight in the rubbish bin… You birthday is in 13 days. I bet you will have a great time with your loved ones and I am thrilled for you baby. Do you remember your last birthday? You thought I forgot about it! But how could I? My mum was visiting us and even she got you lots of your favourite chocolates. And the year before I surprised you with the tickets to see your favourite musical “Lion King”. And then I had Sara and your other friends waiting for us inside the Rossopomodoro restaurant to surprise you as we were going back home from the theatre. I pretended that I needed to pop in inside the restaurant to check something and here they were – waiting for you with birthday cake! You were so surprised and I was so happy that I was able to make you happy. Good times. Who would have thought that your 2015 birthday will be so much different. Life can take such violent twists and turns. Everything can change within a few days. Everything. I passed my English exams level 1. Had to make a Power Point presentation which went well, got a standing ovation. It’s weird. I didn’t do much. I just talked about my experience when I was working on the QE2 cruise ship. Nevermind. My English teacher signed me up straight to English level 2 classes. I don’t care much to be honest. At least I am away from my cell. And I even get paid for it. I earn the whole 7 pounds a week here. Funny, isn’t it. Tragic in a way though. Last night I started to think that maybe I should get my own business if I survive all this… I’d like to do something with art. People like my magic trees – the ones I create using watercolours. I love watercolours. Maybe I should call my business ‘The Magic Trees Art’? I wish I knew your opinion about it. I guess, I will never find out. A few days ago someone died here. People say he committed a suicide. I never knew who he was. I felt very sad about it though. God is a joker (if he exists of course). He loves playing his little twisted games. But it’s not my job to judge. Yesterday some young black guy started a fight on the exercise yard and hit some older guy with a can of tuna. There was some blood around and we had to immediately clear the yard and go back to our cells. It wasn’t pleasant. The black guy has been put in a segregation unit – it’s a small building, where you have no TV, no radio – no nothing. Very basic. There are always people there. It’s almost midnight now baby, I’m gonna wrap up here. I miss you so fucking much. Please be safe out there. I love you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  4. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 25

    7.11.2015 Dear C, I was wondering today whether your hair started to grow back yet… And how do you actually look these days. I haven’t seen you for over 3 months now. Can you imagine? The longest time apart we had was 3 days – when I had to travel to Poland once to get my ID card. And it seemed like a year then. You know that I don’t have any photos of you here with me. Obviously my iPhone was taken away from me, including the wallet with your photo in it. It was a tiny photograph of you that you took for your passport when we were getting ready to come to Poland – for the first time for you, so you could meet my mum and her and my friends. I asked Kasia and Agnes to send me some of your photos, but they disagreed and told me that was not a good idea. I wasn’t pleased, but I suppose in the long run they were right. I just wish I could see your face once more. The closest I get to you (physically) these days is when I lay my head on your belt at night. I bet you have deleted all of our photos from your Facebook by now – the same way as you have erased me from your life. A dirt under your feet – this is what I am to you now. It’s ok. One thing you cannot do – make me stop loving you. Tough shit. It’s a Saturday today and it has been raining all day long. It’s so windy and cold. The window in my cell doesn’t close properly so it is freezing in here – especially at night. Last night I slept wearing my winter jacket. I started to have this idea of publishing these letters one day. I don’t know. I am not sure if I will be brave enough to do so. But on the other hand it would be nice to have them gathered all together as a book maybe. Or a blog at least… To publish a book I would need money and I have none of course. With a blog, I am sure I could do it for free. But to be honest I don’t even know if there would be anyone interested in reading these letters. I know you wouldn’t care about it and if I ever decide to publish them, you wouldn’t even know they exist. It’s still such a long time to go – almost 3 years… Many things can change. I might be killed here one day, it’s a prison after all. And that wouldn’t be so bad anyway – the dirt under your feed would be finally gone. But if I come out alive out of here and decide and manage to publish that book, I’d like the cover of the book to be green. I know you like that colour and it’s a symbol of hope. Just like butterflies are. I’d like to have a drawing of the two hands joined together with the green background. What do you think? I would call the book “Dear C…” Anyway, my art classes are enjoyable. The teachers are lazy as fuck, they do nothing. I often wonder how demotivating this job for them must be. There is no enthusiasm or passion coming from any of them. I, however, just do my thing. I paint. I create colours. The colours give me the light. It’s crazy I know, but this how I feel. I don’t understand that, but this is how I feel. Is your little sister excited about her working experience in my work place? I hope she is. I am sure Lucia will make it fun for her. Your birthday is coming. I hope you will get to be at home during that time and you will have as much fun as possible. I don’t think I will be calling you on that day – from your last email I could easily gather you don’t want me to bother you anymore. I won’t baby. I won’t. I respect your ways. Ok baby, let me wrap up here. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  5. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 24

    6.11.2015 Dear C, How is everything? I know I wrote to you yesterday, but I felt like I wanted to put a few words to you today too. It kind of helps me to go on without you. It’s almost like I am being able to talk to you – even though you are not here. Yesterday I tried to call you so many times, but you never picked up the phone. I guess you knew it was me, but couldn’t be bothered… Or you were busy with something. I don’t know. All I know that I need to get myself together and start moving on. But it’s so hard, it’s so fucking hard. I am locked up here with my thoughts and memories that haunt me all the time. I can’t go out somewhere like cinema, a friend or a pub to forget about you. I can’t meet new people to erase you from my head. I can’t meet anyone new to lay my love elsewhere. Being heartbroken in prison is excruciating. Each passing moment brings me close to another nervous breakdown, but I keep fighting. I don’t even know, what I am fighting for anymore, but I keep fighting. I got some emails from Kasia and Agnes in which, they both told me to move on. Agnes said that I am not strong enough to support you – and so are you. We are both going through unimaginable nightmares and we are too weak to be there for one another. I do feel though, like I am never too weak to be there for you. When I was abused, harassed and beaten up, all that mattered to me was you. Mentally and emotionally I was there for you. My will to survive then was so strong – only because of you. Now it’s million times harder. There is no more “because of you”… I realised also, how important the people around me are, like my mum, Kasia, Agnes, Lucia, Lisa. They encourage me as much as they can. And I am sure that your friends are there for you too, at least Sara is. The only difference is, that I care about you so fucking much and you have almost become empty inside. And maybe because of that emptiness you cannot connect with me anymore… Two birds with broken wings will never fly away together, no matter how much they will try to help each other. These birds need to go separate ways to fix their wings and to heal…Maybe one day I will paint those 2 broken and bruised birds… My life here is very steady. Almost boring. I do the same things every day. It almost seems like everything is moving in slow motion. Art classes are going fine. A new tutor joined in – Maria. She is very cool. I’d be friends with her if we had met in other circumstances. I did a small piece today with acrylic paints – something new to me. I didn’t even know what I was doing – as always. And eventually I wrote on it: “today I choose peace”. I wish I could find my peace. If it was just that easy like writing it on a piece of paper… I will never be an artist, I know I will never be good at it, but at least colours I create help me find the imitation of my peace. Just for a few hours. I talk quite a lot to David and Jose. They sometimes come to my cell. David is an odd character, but I think he has a good heart. I don’t know. I am very confused sometimes what people truly want from me here. Jose and I connected on a music level – he loves his music and so do I. Plus we love watching The Big Bang Theory – it’s on channel 4 every evening. Do you remember when we bought first 5 seasons on a blu ray discs and watched it for days? We laughed so hard… My dear C, I will wrap up here. Look after yourself there. Get better, please. I hope, I truly do – that one day soon your stupid cancer will become a distant memory to you and your loved ones. Forever Yours Sebastian
  6. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 23 (You hate me)

    5.11.2015 Dear C, What a day I had yesterday… I got your e-mail (the second you sent me since I’ve been to prison) and it completely tore me apart. I had to be dismissed from my English classes as I couldn’t stop crying. How were you able to unloved me so quickly C? I started to believe now, that you perhaps never really loved me that much after all… Your words were cold as ice. It was like they were coming from a totally different person. I read between the lines, that you almost hate me now. Why C? What have I done to you? Not telling you about my past relationship with Roland? Is this what made you hate me so much? I never left you in your darkest hour. I stood by you. When your own mother couldn’t care less whether you were dead or alive – I was there for you. I gave you my love, I gave you home full of love. Wasn’t it good enough for you? I cared for you from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning till the moment I fell asleep at night. Sometimes in the middle of the night I used to feel your heartbeat just to make sure that you are ok… My family welcomed you like their own… That didn’t matter to you at all? Your mother refused to be with me in the same hospital room with me, but I didn’t care because you mattered the most. I even used to ask you to go and visit your mum every now and then to show her you care and love her. Your cancer made my world collapsed. Not the prison as such – your cancer did. I didn’t care I would suffer here – my only concern was you and your health. I wasn’t even able to focus on my case prior to the court time, even though my barrister kept telling me to do so and to forget about you for a moment. But I couldn’t. You were all that mattered. But I guess that isn’t good enough for you. Yes, of course I fucked up, because I lied to you about Roland. I was so freaking scared that I would lose you if I told you I had a civil partnership with him before… Even though when we met I was never with him anymore – only on the paper as he was waiting for the extension of his UK visa. I begged you for mercy, not to leave me here alone, but your answer was to fuck off. You laughed when I told you on the phone I was in the hospital after I tried to take my own life. You couldn’t care less. I suppose you would be quite happy if someone actually killed me here, wouldn’t you? What happened to us? We were meant to be indestructible. You kept telling me that you would love me no matter what… And now you just pissed on me. Maybe I’m just weak. You have moved on within weeks. Soon, some new guy will come your way, I’m sure. Don’t crush his heart. If he makes a mistake or whatever, give him a second chance. We are only humans. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  7. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 22 (She was really rude)

    2.11.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope you are doing well and catching up on everything you have missed out on when you were in the hospital. I miss you dearly and I really wish I could be there for you and enjoy those moments with you too. I received an email from Kasia today, a very long one. She basically told me off for being weak, for loving you, for caring for you and for being a total fool. For allowing you to break my heart. It did hurt really bad when I was reading it. For a moment I thought she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don’t know why. I totally understand how pissed off she must have been with me for partially leaving her in this mess. You have no idea C, how grateful I am to her for everything she has done to me. She stood by me all the way – when the lights went down and I was left alone. You left me, but not her. I should never forget this. I know that you two don’t like each other anymore – it seems like you actually hate each other now. It hurts me to see that you guys cannot bury the hatchet. Life is way too short to be like that. When I was reading that email from her, I realized how deeply she hurt me by the way she spoke to me, using really harsh words. She was almost rude. I read the whole email 3 times. Finally, I came to some conclusions. She is partially right. I agree that I have to get back to life. I have to move on. But I do not agree with her saying that I am stupid and weak. Yes, I know I need to find the strength in me to carry on here. I need to learn how to fight for myself now. It’s gonna be difficult. Now with your birthday approaching and Christmas around the corner… But I will try. I am so tired of taking all these antidepressants. I am so fucking tired of the pain in my heart. You know Kasia advised me not to call you on the phone for a year or so, so I should heal faster. She is very convinced that you will be 100% healthy soon, that you will find someone very soon and will forget about me. And I will be here all alone thinking about you. But I don’t know if I can just stop communicating with you – just like that like you’ve never existed. Especially on your birthday and Christmas. Lucia, on the other hand, told me that I should try to stay connected with you. To make sure that you know I still care and love you. I do care for you my love and I do love you so, so fucking much. Like the biggest idiot, but I don’t care. Here, life goes on very slowly. Each day is like a week. I have passed my oral English exam today with ease. And the teacher tricked me to do a written exam too saying I can pass better than anyone else. So I agreed. The results will come soon. I was also told I must prepare the PowerPoint presentation on a specific subject of my choice. Others were given the option, I was told I had to do it. After that, I will be moved to the advanced English classes. Whatever. Art is going well too. I keep painting my trees. I make them so colourful. It makes me forget how dark the world inside here is. Ok baby, that’s all for today. Please look after yourself there in London. I so wish I could hug you right now. Without saying anything, just hug you and feel you. I love you. Forever yours Sebastian
  8. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 21 (You & Your Chocolate)

    1.11.2015 Dear C, It’s Sunday today and I slept all day. I think my anti-depressants hit me hard. I had your belt wrapped around my wrist all day today. I laid my head on it, so I could smell it – it made me feel like you were next to me. Stupid – I know that’s what you would probably think of me right now. For me, however, having this belt here is a big deal. How are you doing? I hope you are ok. Did you enjoy your Halloween night last night? I wonder what did you do? Maybe you met someone already, whom you keep close to your heart…? I got 2 emails today – one from Lucia and one from Agnes. Agnes keeps writing to me quite often and she keeps telling me about her everyday life. It is so nice to read about it – makes me forget sometimes where I am – my sweet distraction. I miss her a lot. Lucia told me a bit about your progress. I am so, so fucking happy that everything is going well. Lucia is amazing. Such a wonderful woman. She promised me that she would look after your sister when she comes for her work experience to our office. I am so happy to know your sister will be in good hands. I wonder how would she react…? And I am 100% that my team will spoil her rotten – after all they know it is your sister and they know how much I care for her to feel comfortable there... I bet she must hate me now, but I still treat her as my little sis I never had. Anyway, Lucia told me that you and her would soon meet. How I wish I could be there…! Lucia also said that she would like to organise something for your coming birthday. Wow! Isn’t she just great? I told her how much you love chocolate and what kind, but not sure if you can eat chocolate nowadays… I also told her how much you love your tea cups! I wonder if you still have the one my mum bought you when we were in Warsaw…? Lucia also wants to see me here by the end of November. I told her that she doesn’t need to waste her time on me – it is a long journey from London. You know, I look horrible these days – she would run away if she saw me! Baby, I am not coping well without you. Knowing that you do not care about me anymore makes my tears never dry. It feels like my love for you has no expiration day. Sometimes I wish it had. I wrote a separate letter to you as well. It’s about my meeting with a well-being nurse, who sometimes comes to see me. This letter is in the envelope now ready to be sent, but I don’t have enough courage to post it to you. Not yet. My hands started to shake again, let me finish here. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  9. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 20 (The Pumpkin Soup)

    31.10.2015 Dear C, Happy Halloween baby! I hope you are going to get to spend it with your loved ones. Do you still remember our last Halloween in 2014? We bought these 2 massive pumpkins and turned them into “the scary monsters”. Your was much scarier. And then you cooked the pumpkin soup! It was lovely. We both had a day off and watched horror movies all day! You got really scared watching “The Woman In Black”! It was so cute! Even though you denied jumping on the bed or squeezing my hand so hard each time there was a scary moment there – it was so adorable. God, I miss it so bad… I miss you so much. I saw one of the guards carrying a plastic pumpkin to the office and I nearly broke into tears… I still sometimes wake up thinking this is all just a bad dream. It’s not. I spend most of my time on my own. However there are a few people I connected a bit. Martin and John – they are both in a double cell, they both seem really nice. John looks very depressed, I spoke to him a few times and he is on the same anti-depressants like me. He said he has put on weight after talking them. I saw him crying in his cell once. This place is like a nightmare – psychological nightmare. Anyway, I met also a guy called DJ, he is originally from Australia but has been living in UK for a long time. He is in his early 30s and he has been in prisons for over 8 years now, hoping to be released soon. He is an IPP prisoner (imprisonment for public protection), meaning he has no idea when he will be released. Can you imagine this baby? Not knowing how long you’re going to spend behind bars…? It must be a horrible feeling. Even DJ told me that he would prefer to get 20 years but to know the end date. It’s all too terrifying to me to be honest baby.DJ is a big Lord of the Rings fan as he displayed a massive poster from the movie with Gandalf on it. He is also gay – the rainbow flag is on his wall too. He seems fine, looks like he is quite intelligent too. I received another letter from Lisa, she promised she would visit me soon. She said she spoke to you and that you are holding on and that you still love me. I so hope she is right. But the most important thing is for you to be healthy and manage to bit this cancer. I know you will. I am still a bit devastated after the news that I would probably be deported. I cannot imagine living in Poland again. Last night someone was shouting half way through the night. I don’t know who it was, but he seemed really aggressive. I think it was on the other part of my landing. I was thinking the other day how cruel God is. Or rather how he likes to play his little games. Look at us – we did not deserve any of this. Yet we got torn apart in such devastating and spectacular way. I am sure he is laughing at us now. My art classes are going fine. I am really, really enjoying them. I painted another tree – I don’t know why, but I find some kind of peace and bliss in painting trees. And the colours I use give me the feeling of tranquillity. And I tend to forget where I am. C, please look after yourself. Be brave. Be strong please. Maybe one day I will send you all these letters. Forever Yours Sebastian
  10. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 19

    29.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing my love? How are you handling the chemo? Have the doctors said anything yet? I spoke to my mum and she told me that everything is going ok. I hope baby, I hope… I met with a guy called Andrew. He is my “offender supervisor”. Funny the name – I am not any offender. Anyway, he did like a short interview with me, asked me some basic questions. He asked about my case. He also said that I will need to meet with my “offender manager” at some point too. Basically they are the people that set the plan of action for me while I am in prison. Well, it is not going to be easy for them as I maintain my innocence and I am not willing to attend any of the courses here – the ones that are supposed to “fix you”, so you shouldn’t commit any crime again in the future. What crime? I am the victim in this circus. I’m lost for words… Anyway, he told me that there is a possibility that I could be deported back to Poland…! How? I mean my life is here in UK. I can’t just go back to Poland! I haven’t lived there for 16 years! He told me I could appeal to it etc. but in a current political situation in UK they are willing to kick as many foreigners out of the country as possible. I am devastated. I cannot imagine myself being back in Poland. I don’t know anyone there. Only my mother. Plus how can I leave you? Yes, a part of me still believes we will go through this hell and will be together again. My headache never stopped since I met this guy. I don’t know what to do, nowhere to go to check anything, no Google to use to find out more. Here nobody cares. I spend my days here talking to that guy David a lot. He knows (or he think he knows) the prison system inside out. And he seems to be a very proud man because of this knowledge. I feel really sorry for him. I wish never to have his kind of “wisdom”… The less I know about the prison – the better. C, I will wrap up here. It’s almost 10pm now and I want to sleep. This headache is killing me. I will write to you soon. I love you so much. How I wish you could hold me tight. And I could fall asleep in your arms. Forever yours, Sebastian
  11. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 18 (He Ain't Gettin' My Jumper)

    23.10.2015 Dear C, This is just a short letter today. I wasn’t planning on writing to you until Sunday, but I just had that strong need of telling you how much I love you. And I know that words cannot express how I really feel. Nothing can. And I know you don’t care. Anyway, there is a guy here on my landing, who is attacking me verbally to give him my jumper – the one I got in the parcel from my mother. He is a big, black man and maybe he thinks that I am scared of him. I am so not. I am not scared of anybody anymore. Before I let people abuse me, because I thought I had to survive all this for you. Now, I don’t care. So I told him, that it would never happen, then he asked me how much I wanted for it? Like what? He got cash on him? And even if so, I can’t spend it here. I got a letter from a guy called Andrew – he works in a prison system and he is my “offender supervisor” – whatever that means. I am supposed to see him on Monday. Baby, it’s almost midnight now and I’m going to sleep. I think I have lost some weight you know. My polo shirt that I used to wear at home started to look like a dress on me now. I think I am going to set myself a goal to lose a lot of weight here. Time will tell. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  12. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 17 (The Visit)

    21.10.2015 Dear C, How is my baby doing? How is your belly? I spoke to my mum yesterday and she told me you had some bad stomach pain. I remember how you used to have it when I was coming to visit you in the hospital too… Baby, I hope the pain will go away soon. It’s the chemo effect. Please be brave my love. I got an email from Lucia today. She tried to cheer me up. She said that she spoke to you and that she would be taking you to lunch once you are permitted to leave the hospital. OMG – how much I wish I could join you guys… Lucia is such a wonderful person, so caring. I cannot believe she actually cares for me and you… I only worked with her for 3 months. She is a friend for life. I miss her a lot you know… She asked me in her email to promise her that I will be strong. That I will not give up and survive all this. To think about my future. I truly appreciate all this. I really hope that I will be able to see her again one day. Last night a guy a few doors down had an epilepsy attack in the middle of the night. There was so much noise and banging. Eventually someone came to get him to the nurse. Poor guy. I felt so sorry for him. Kasia and Agnes came to visit me a few days ago! It was so emotional. I tried so hard not to cry… I enjoyed seeing them so, so, so much. Just seeing two people that you know really care for you was overwhelming… I love them so much. We talked a lot, they tried to make me laugh. They bought me a Mars bar and a can of Dr. Pepper and diet coke. You have no idea what a joy it was to taste it again. I just cannot thank them enough for coming to see me. We talked about my future. We talked about you. I tried to talk about you a lot (then I cried), but they both tried to change subject. Agnes was quite angry with you that you left me when I needed you the most, but I told her that your health matters the most to me. You know, as we sat there and kept talking for a moment I forgot that I was in prison, I felt like a human being again… 2 hours went so quick and we had to say goodbye. We held hands and hugged. Agnes cried on the way out and so did I. But when I came back to my cell – then I just couldn’t stop crying. Someone told me here that it’s always very difficult during the first visits. You know babes, when I saw Agnes and Kasia leaving through the “outside” door and I had to go back inside – it was horrible. I don’t know how I would react if you ever decide to visit me... I know you probably never will, but if you do… In my art classes today I met a guy called Jose. He is originally from Portugal, but lives in London. Guess where? Your area! Bermondsey! Small world. He lives close to Old Kent Road – near Argos. Can you believe it? He has now moved to the cell right in front of me. He has around 3 years to go and he has been in prison for almost 2 years now. He seems to be very relaxed and cool. He seems to have a good sense of humour too. You know C, I wish you could see my artwork… I used watercolour pencils today, I never knew they existed. It’s really cool. You use these pencils as normal, then you take a wet brush and it looks like paint. Amazing. I did another “magic tree”. I love painting trees. I received a short letter from a girl called Adriana. She was working in my office. She was very supportive of me, the letter was very touching. She said that everybody was deeply in shock when they found out what happened to me. She asked me to be strong and never give up. The other day a guy called David came to my cell and told me, that there is a group called “Real Voices” here and they support the LGBT community. They have meetings once a month and if I want to come I am welcomed. I am not really into this and I don’t think I will be coming. I don’t really want to socialise with many people here. You know, I often wonder if you ever think of me at all. Or am I just a thing from the past to you. I know that you have so much on your mind now and I always say that your health comes first. But you have no idea how much it would mean to me if you could only just send me a short email asking if I’m ok… Or that you worry about me. Or to tell me to be strong… C, I am going to wrap up here. Please look after yourself there my love. Be brave, be strong. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  13. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 16 (The Belt & The Magic Tree)

    16.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? How is chemo going? How are you feeling in general? I can imagine, that by now you must have lost all of your hair… Lucky you-you have a perfectly shaped skull, so you still look hot – even without your hair! I would look like Mr. Potato!!! I met an interesting guy here called David Tant. He has been in prison since the 70s!!! I mean… my brain cannot even digest that information. He is now in his early 80s but he is still very energetic though. He sometimes comes to my cell with his coffee. He seems ok, but truly I am not really sure what he really wants from me. He comforts me quite a bit, I told him about you and he told me he had never seen anyone grieving so much after love lost. People avoid him here because he is apparently a “grass” – meaning that he reports everything to the office. So people don’t trust him and in fact they hate him. I have nothing against him, he hasn’t done anything wrong to me (yet). He actually helped me getting my clothes sent in here from the previous prison. When my mum came there and I had been already moved here, she left the box with my private clothes with them and they sent the box to this prison. But here I couldn’t receive them as it’s been 30 days already since I have been locked up. Anyway, David helped me write a form to a governor and eventually I got my clothes. It feels great to be able to wear my own clothes again… You know C, my mum packed your belt – by mistake. She must have thought it was mine. When I saw it I cried like a baby. I couldn’t stop smelling it – it made me feel closer to you again. I know it’s silly, but I don’t care. At night I wrap that belt around my wrist and put my head on it – so it feels like you are lying next to me… Last night I woke up in the middle of the night panicking as I couldn’t find it. It turned out it slipped between the wall and the mattress. My art classes are going well. They have become my escape from the reality here. I dive into the colours and I lose myself in them. There is something in these colours that makes me feel safe. It’s like I am surrounded by some kind of light. I don’t know, I don’t really understand this. But it helps. I painted a tree today. My very first finished work. The ones before are just a collection of unstructured shapes, lines and who knows what else. This tree is the first art work that actually has a decent shape and colour mix. Well, it’s not a typical tree – I used the colours I liked and which were available at that time. It looks a bit like some kind of a tree from a magic forest… It’s nothing special, but it gave me a real pleasure to work on it. I wish you could see it one day… It’s nowhere near your amazing art work, but hey – I’m not an artist baby… I am going to wrap up here my love. I love you. Please look after yourself. For you. For me. I am missing you so much. Your touch, your smile, your voice, your smell… Forever Yours Sebastian
  14. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 15 (Beyonce and I)

    12.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing baby? There is not a single night passing when I wouldn’t have a dream about you. On one hand I love it as it makes me feel like I am still with you, but on the other hand I hate it – the cold light of day only reminds me how much pain I fell inside of me, in every single bone, in every single blood cell… Two night ago I dreamt I was at my aunt’s home party. I haven’t seen here in years. Her name is Helena. She has always been my favourite sibling from my mother’s side. But our paths parted long time ago and I haven’t seen her in years. I think she is working in Switzerland these days. Anyway, I was there and the vibe was good. I remember that the lights were dimmed and some colourful light lit up the entire house. It must have been summer because all of the windows were wide open. It was all happening in my aunt’s flat that I used to spend a lot of time with my cousins Monika and Maciek… I remember once scene from this dream - so surreal, that even now I am thinking about it. Beyoncé was there! Yes! She was there talking to me like we were best friends. I was telling her about you and how I fucked up by not telling you about my civil partnership I had before, how you said you couldn’t trust me anymore and how I suffered. Prison was not mentioned at all, which was weird. She was very sympathetic and asked a lot about your health. I was telling how brave you have been with chemo and all that… But there was one thing that was the main subject of our conversation. You were invited to come to this party. And I didn’t know whether you would come or not. Beyoncé was as excited as I was and when I asked her (for like million times already) if she thinks you’ll come, she said that everything would be alright. Soon my auntie approached us with some homemade finger sandwiches.… And then it happened. Someone rang the doorbell. And what? I woke up!!! I couldn’t believe it! Did you come? What was the end of that dream??? Why did I have to wake up at this very moment??? I tried to go back to sleep, to return to this house, to find out if it was you ringing the door. But I never did. I couldn’t find the way back there. I cried so hard. I thought I’d never get up from my bed that day to go to my art classes. I felt that inner darkness was consuming me. I felt like some invisible hands were strangling me. Eventually I got up, hid my tears and went to my classes. Art was ok, I am still practising with colours, shapes. One of the orderlies – Adam – is fantastic. He is very helpful and attentive. He has so much knowledge about art. I know absolutely nothing. The tutors – Susie and Maria are fine. Susie works only Mondays (she used to live in Poland before, she is English) and Maria works Tuesdays to Fridays. She is very cool. She likes what I’m doing. I think if I met her on the outside, we would have been good friends. She has beautiful tattoos of butterflies and bears. That day in the afternoon I broke down in my English class. Just like that. We were writing some articles and I just started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop. The teacher asked me if I wanted to go back to my cell to calm down and I agreed. She gave me an early pass so I could show it to the guards at the door. I came back and just cried. I didn’t go to pick up my dinner that evening. I couldn’t. Mr. Stewart eventually came to my cell to check on me. He brought me some food and asked me to take it easy. I didn’t even care I was crying in front of him anymore. The next day I felt stupid though. Today I feel a bit better. I am trying so hard to survive each day. I tried to call you a few times today, but you never picked up the phone. It got me worried for two reasons. First I thought that something bad happened to you, but then I dismissed that thought. After all, I have a deal with God. I am in prison so you can get better. Then I thought that you decided never to speak to me again. This thought paralyzed me. What if you have changed your number? What if I am now just a thing from the past for you? That thought nearly killed me. I will try to call you tomorrow. Please pick up C… Please let me hear your voice…I love you so much. So fucking much. Forever Yours Sebastian
  15. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    Thank you kindly for your comments. Yes, it wasn't easy. It is still hard sometimes, but I am trying to put all this behind. You will all know what really happened. One day soon I will create a page with the explanation of what happened to me. Do follow my art page - it will be there www.sebastianbauerart.com Thank you. S.B.

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