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Sebastian Bauer

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  1. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 10 (Colourful Pills)

    13.09.2015 Dear C, I just wanted to tell you that I suffer so much without you. It hurts so bad that I cannot tell the difference between the pain anymore. My heart is dead inside, but somehow I am still alive. I still walk around this cell, but inside of me - there is fire, fire that consumes me deeper and deeper each and every second. I don’t even know what is real anymore. Or am I actually dead? Have they actually beaten me so hard here that I eventually died…? Or did I succeed and managed to cut my wrists…? And this is my afterlife? Is this how I am going to spend my eternity? In this tiny cell, where some nurse comes to see me once a day pretending she cares? And makes me take all these colourful pills? Where I hear people scream outside my door? Where I wake up in the middle of the night covered with sweat screaming so hard…? And where are you? Why aren’t you here with me holding my hand? The way I held yours, when you needed me the most…? I don’t even know what to write anymore. I feel numb. I want to tell you so much, but I have no energy to put words down on the paper... And I know you don’t care. Please come here. Please save me. Forever Yours Sebastian
  2. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 9

    11.09.2015 Dear C, It’s 4.12 in the morning and I have just woken up here. I think I must have slept since my last letter. I know they brought me some food here, but I can’t remember eating it. I have noticed some documents they gave me to read and sign, but I had no energy to go through them yet. C, I never wanted to tell you about this, but now as you don't care about me anymore - I can write. I was raped. It happened to me on the 21st of August...It was the day they moved me to somebody else’s cell, so they could fix the toilet in my cell - they had to seal it off or something. The guy who did that to me will never see outside of the prison walls. He is serving his life sentence, so he doesn’t care. I said ‘’hello’’ as I walked in and he immediately told me to shut up. So I stayed quiet. I climbed the bank bed and just wanted to sleep. He told me that if I make any noises twisting and turning - he is going to kill me. I just replied that I would be quiet. I laid down and tried not to move at all. I fell asleep and it was already dark when I suddenly felt this piercing pain in my head. He grabbed me and threw me onto the floor… He started kicking me and said that if I screamed he would kill me before anyone comes up to help me. So I stayed quiet as I knew I had to be alive for you… Now I regret I never screamed... He was kicking me so hard that I thought I would pass out. Then he pulled my prison trousers down and raped me. I don’t remember much of it anymore now. I know I never screamed, I just cried quietly. I cried and kept begging God to save me, to let me survive this - so we can be together again one day. When he was raping me I kept trying to rewind my life and to focus on all those days we spent together. He was hitting my head with a rolled newspaper and kept burning my back with his cigarettes. Luckily I had a prison t-shirt on, so the burn didn’t hurt that much… When he finished, he laughed at me and called me names. He then went to bed and told me to stay on the floor. He warned me that if I open my mouth to anyone about this – I would never leave this prison alive. I cried and agreed. I crawled to the corner of the cell and sat on the floor next to the toilet. I was shaking, my whole body hurt. I cried so much, but I knew I had to be strong for you. He got up once at night and hit me in my face and told me to be quiet. I never slept that night – I was too scared. I was numb. When the morning light broke through I saw the blood stains on the floor where he raped me. I had blood on my legs and hands. One of my teeth was loose too – it hurt like hell. I don’t remember much from the next day. They moved me back to my cell in the late afternoon. I went downstairs to call you and your number was finally registered…! The phone was ringing!!! For a moment I forgot about the pain, the rape, the beatings – because I knew I would hear your voice… And then, when you said ‘’hello’’ I knew something was wrong… I cannot remember much of that conversation anymore, but I remember when you told me you were leaving me…I know that I must have begged you not to leave me, that I needed you so much… Then my credit run out… I came back to my cell and cut my wrists with that stupid plastic knife. But I couldn’t even do that properly, because these knives are really thick… I guess someone must have seen me doing this and called the guards. I don’t remember much after that, I woke up in a different cell with a different door. I have been here since. I am very dizzy, not knowing what’s going on… I don’t even know whether you have really left me or not… Or am I actually dead? Or is it just one of those weird, terrifying dreams? I have been having those horrible nightmares lately… And if I’m alive – why??? If there is God or whatever there might be, why am I being tortured so much? Why everyone I loved abounded me? Why did I have to lose everything and everyone that I have loved…What is the point of all of this? God, please talk to me...! Please give me some kind of sign, because I can’t go on anymore. Being alive hurts me so much. Please just let me die.
  3. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 8

    09.09.2015 Dear C, I thought I would never write to you again, but I love you too much not to. I wish I could tell you not to leave me, not to treat me this way, not to hurt me this way - but I can’t. In all this, I need to remember that your health is the most important. That anything else doesn’t really matter anymore. Now when I mean so little to you – it will be easier for me to go – if ever someone here decides to abuse or hurt me again. I don’t need to be so fucking desperate to stay alive anymore. It’s almost like this heavyweight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can let go now. I cannot describe how much it hurts knowing you left me and how much I love and care for you, but I am not going to write about it. I am still getting strong meds and they make me sleep all the time. I don’t even know whether it’s a day or night, there is no window here. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Sometimes I wake up here thinking I’m at home. I’m not.I’m very weak and feeling dizzy. I don’t really know what is going to happen to me. Forever Yours Sebastian
  4. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 7

    AC Benus, thank you very much...
  5. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 4

    Dear AC Benus, I truly appreciate your active feedback. The place I was sent too was very raw, very brutal. Many things you may wonder about now will be explained throughout all of my letters. My story is a journey - from dark to light. That's all I can say at this point. Thank you and kind regards. S.B.
  6. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 2

    AC Benus... it’s very true what you have put in your comment. I was a scapegoat there, an easy target in the world of violence, brutality and pure aggression and hatred. Thank you for understanding. S.B.
  7. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 1

    Thank you AC Benus, I appreciate your feedback. Kindest regards - S.B.
  8. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 7

    12.09.2015 Dear C, I think this is my last letter to you. After all that has happened I see no point writing. No point hoping. No point living. I have tried to go but I didn’t succeed. I am a failure on all levels. You have all the rights to feel angry and I wish I had told you about Roland before, but I was a fucking coward. I was scared that I would lose you. Everything fell apart. EVERYTHING. I have very little energy to write. I am locked up in an observation cell with a maximum security here and I have been drugged with some antidepressants and other stuff to calm me down. I sleep most of the time, sometimes I don’t know what is real and what is not. I don’t recognise the reality anymore. If ever, I will write more one day. Losing you is worse than any pain, worse than everything that has happened to me a few weeks ago. I don’t know, if I ever will be able to tell you or anyone about it. Now you left me and I can’t cope without you. I just can’t. I don’t want to. Forever yours, Sebastian
  9. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 6

    19.08.2015 Dear C, How is my gorgeous guy doing today? How are you dealing with your chemo? They have finally registered Kasia’s number – I spoke to her on the phone 2 days ago. It was a very short, but emotional conversation. I have no credit to call - only the "starter" money, which is 3 pounds they give to everybody. I cried and so did she… She didn’t really know what to ask me about, I didn’t really know what to say… How was I supposed to tell her how bad things are actually here…? She told me, that she visited you and that you are doing fine, which was such a great relief to me. You know my love, all I wanted to hear from her was, that she was going to come here and take me home. That this whole prison was just a joke. That I could come back to you. But she never told me that... I broke down in tears when I came back to my cell. This morning I got two little cards from Lisa and a letter from Liz - from HR department. It was nice to hear from Lisa. She promised me that she would visit very soon. Liz was also very nice, she told me how much my team is missing me and what a massive shock it was to everybody. People cried and they couldn’t believe, what has happened to me... She said, that she knew I was never supposed to be here and that she was very sorry. She sent me a message of encouragement and support. Yesterday when I went downstairs to try to call you, someone came to my cell and threw all the rubbish from the outside bin on my bed. They also stole my milk. And urinated on my bed. As I was approaching my cell, the guy who lives next door, started to laugh and told me that I had a surprise inside. First I got so scared, that they would beat me up again, but it was just the mess… I cleaned everything and removed my blanket from the bed - as it was all wet. I washed it in my sink with my soap - it is still a bit wet. I hope it will get dry by tomorrow. My back, chest and face still hurt quite badly. I have a bruised nose and my finger is twisted. I can’t touch my head because it still hurts from the day they were stomping on my face. Even one of my tooth is now quite loose and it hurts like hell. But I will be fine. One of the guards, when he saw me after they had beaten me up, asked if I fell from the stairs – I said yes. I knew he didn’t want to hear anything else. The staff here want to have as little problems as possible and as little paperwork to do as possible too. Yesterday I got a letter under my door saying that I had been assigned to a category C prison. It means that I might be moving to a different establishment one day. Category AA and A is the worst – it’s for terrorists, murderers etc. This prison is AA category. Category B is for less dangerous people, then there is a category C. There is also a category D – that is for all those people, who served in prisons long enough and can be placed in the open condition establishments – they can even leave prison for a few hours daily. I’d love to be assigned to a category D one day soon, so maybe I could see you for a few hours each day. One of the guards told me this morning, that there would be someone coming to check on my toilet soon. Finally! The smell is unbearable. I still sleep with a toilet paper stuck in my nose at night. Last night I dreamt I was at the seaside with my parents – as a child. I could feel the sea breeze, smell the sand. I literally felt the sand under my feet. When I woke up and saw where I was - I just cried. I often wake up in the morning with disbelief I am here...It is very difficult for me to understand the injustice I have been served. But I constantly explain to myself, that it will be ok. That I have to be here, so you can get better. It’s like a sacrifice I had to make. And I am willing to go all the way baby, just please get better… That’s all I want. You know, when they use violence against me here, I just close my eyes and tell myself, that I will go through all of this - because I have you. Baby, when you feel better – please come to see me. I just miss you so much. So fucking much. I can’t put it in writing, how much I want to see you again... Hopefully, soon I will be able to send you all these letters too – this is already the 6th one. I received a note saying that I have been assigned to a print shop. I have no idea what that is, but at least I will be able to pass the time quicker. They didn’t tell me when I would start though. I’m going to finish here, my head hurts quite badly today and I have been feeling really dizzy since they beat me up last time. I will write soon my love. I love you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  10. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 5

    16.08.2015 Dear C, It's been over a week since my last letter to you. I still cannot believe, that I haven’t seen you in 20 days now. I miss you so much baby… A few days ago, I received a letter from Kasia. I started to cry like a baby, when I realised it was her hand writing. She told me, that she came to see you, that you have finished your second chemo cycle, that you’ve been missing me. That you are okish, and that you are lonely without me… She told me, that she has moved into our room now, so I shouldn’t be worried about anything. Baby, you have no idea, what a great feeling it was to know, that there was someone out there caring for me. Kasia wrote, that she told my mum about everything. And obviously, that my mum was very worried and she was in a shock. I will never tell her, how bad things are in here – I don’t want to worry her. On Wednesday I gave them your number again – I hope, they will register it this time. I am just waiting. None of the numbers I gave has been registered yet. My skin is falling of my face. I don’t know, what is going on. It’s very itchy. I am going to ask someone to let me see a nurse. I am still waiting for any news about my job here. I noticed, that people get some food and other products here packed in plastic bags – I’m guessing they must be buying it from some kind of a shop. I saw a guy drinking Pepsi… you have no idea, how much I wanted it. I am so thirsty here all the time and I don’t know why…I still can’t eat – I tried to have some noodles yesterday, but it took me over half an hour to finish it. My throat hurts each time I try to swallow anything… Last Monday I was beaten up again. With no reasons. Our cells were unlocked for over 2 hours and, as usual, I stayed inside. Suddenly 4 guys walked in and asked me about drugs and cigarettes. I said I had none - as I didn’t smoke and neither I did drugs. Then they started calling me names and one of them dragged me off my bed and threw me onto the floor. He sat on my legs and put his hand over my mouth, while others started to kick me in my back and stomach. They twisted my hands and spat on me. My nose started to bleed as one of them was kicking my face. One guy was guarding the door all the time. Then he jumped on me, stood on my face with his one foot and kicked me hard in my forehead. It hurt so bad – I thought I would faint. But I didn’t scream, I just started to cry. Then he grabbed my finger and twisted it. Then I screamed. It must have upset them even more because they started kicking me really hard all over my body. I didn’t know how long it last, but suddenly I felt the guy who was sitting on me got up and they all disappeared. You know C, I can’t even remember their faces now. I wasn’t screaming when thy did this to me, I just asked God – if he exists, not to let them kill me. Because I can’t die, not now. Because I have you baby, because I need to be strong for you – no matter what, no matter how bad it can get. We promised to each other that we will always be there for one another. That love wins. Forever Yours Sebastian
  11. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 1

    Hello Quokka, I will publish more often, at the moment I am publishing a bit more in order to catch up with my regular website - there, I publish my letters in a more visual way. I'd like to be synced with my website and here. But yes, I will speed up soon - it is just quite difficult for me to re-live all these moments, while I am re-typing... But I promise I will publish more often 🙂 Thank you S.B.
  12. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 2

    Hello BerryRedBear, Thank you for your comments, I appreciate them. Unfortunately - it isn't fiction, it was all very real. These letters I have published so far are just the beginning of it all, but eventually, I will leave the darkness behind (sort of)... Yes, my letters are raw - I just retype them as they were written then. It would be unfair to "polish" them - even in terms of my language skills - I am who I am and this is how I wrote them. Thank you for reading - I hope you will stick with me till letter number 300... Regards S.B.
  13. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 4

    08.08.2015 Dear C, How is my boy doing? I am going crazy here with no updates about your health… None of the telephone numbers has been registered yet. I asked one of the guards about it and he told me that it wasn’t his problem. I asked him to give me another form to fill in and his answer was: “I’m busy”. I will try tomorrow with someone else. We were locked up for 2 days non-stop. I don’t know why, but in a way, it was better for me. No one could harm me here. People were shouting in their cells, they were throwing things around – all night long. I didn’t sleep at all, but at least I was safe. They only let us out once a day to pick up the food. They never gave us any lunch – I didn’t mind – I am not hungry at all. This evening, when I went to pick up my dinner (half frozen roll with some tomato) a guy next to me snatched it from my tray and told me to shut up. I wasn’t going to say anything anyway. Let him have it if he was that hungry. I still have water in my sink – I can handle it. I am constantly thirsty, I don’t know why... 2 days ago they did the search in every single cell on our block. It was awful. I had to strip down naked in front of the guards. Then I had to leave my cell and wait outside, while they basically turned my cell upside down. Everything was smashed on my floor - well I don't have much, but it wasn't a nice feeling... They even took my milk - the one we get in the evening for breakfast. I don't know why. Later I overheard someone saying, that they were looking for the homemade weapons - after that incident in the dinner queue the other day... It’s almost 1 am now and I am sitting here in my small chair writing on my knees. I think I’ve lost some weight – I feel more comfortable sitting in such position nowadays you know... Oh, the guy next to me has just started throwing something against his door and walls again now – swearing all the time. I think he is watching something on his TV. I don’t have TV here - they told me they are short on them. It’s ok, I will survive without it. Yesterday some woman came to see me - she asked me about my financial status. She gave me some forms to fill in and gave me a sample letter to write to the bank saying that I will not be able to pay off my credit card now - as I am in prison. I filled it in yesterday and waiting now for some job here so I could buy stamps and post it. You know what babes, my skin has started peeling so bad… All over my face, my head. It’s like big chunks of my skin are literally falling off. I don’t know what that is… I look terrible. I have a tiny mirror here – I can’t even look at my face. I miss taking shower so much! Since I’ve been here – I had none. I’m just too scared to go there, so I wash in the sink. And I'd rather go and queue for the phone - hoping I can get through and hear your voice. Loneliness is killing me. Not being able to hold you in my arms is worse than any pain. I don’t care about no food, no comfy bed or being treated like a piece of shit…Not being able to be with you is the worst thing. I cry every day, but it’s ok. I know it will pass. And we will be together again. That day will come when I hold you tight. So tight. And we will cry together, but with tears of joy. And we will re-build what they tried to destroy. We will leave that ghost town behind and we will build our future again. I am just so worried about you baby. I just want you to stay strong, stay focused on your recovery. And I will go through this hell here - because I have you. The paper I am writing on now is a bit better as you can see – I found it inside the rubbish bin amongst some newspapers. Sorry for this baby, but I have nothing here. You know, 2 days ago I looked at all my things here – and I just burst into tears… All my life, everything I have now is in a small plastic bag. But it’s ok – I have you. And that’s the best thing ever. Stupid pen – I think the ink is running out - I'm trying to press as hard as I can, but I think it's dead...Baby, let me write back to you soon. I will try to get some sleep now – the guy next to me has gone quiet now, so maybe I can sleep for a few hours. I miss you. I love you with every single beat of my heart. Forever Yours Sebastian
  14. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 3

    5.08.2015 Dear C, How are you baby…? How is chemo going? God, I am so sorry, that you are suffering there without me… It’s such a stupid question – “how is chemo going” – I know how horrible it is… Do you get visits from your mum? Has Kasia visited you yet? Or Lisa?I’m not feeling too well at the moment. My back still hurts after they pushed me from the stairs. And the bed I’m sleeping on has a very thin mattress – so all these metal bars are piercing through my body at night. I don’t have a blanket either to make it a bit softer. I only have my suit jacket, but I cover myself with it. It’s a bit cold in the mornings, but it’s ok. The worst thing about that jacket is, that it stinks really bad – I wiped my floor a few times with it after the toilet had overflown… Anyway, it’s better than nothing. I miss our bed so much. Our pillows. I miss the silence. I miss the smell of your body. I miss seeing your face every morning when I woke up. I miss our breakfasts in bed and watching “Friends” all day long with you. I miss your laughter. Sometimes I think I can hear it here. I imagine you are calling my name… Last night in my cell I sat on a tiny, metal chair and looked at the window up on the wall. The sky was full of stars. I started talking to you – like you were just next to me. I even held my hands together, pretending it was you holding me… I couldn’t stop crying, but I kept talking to you. I know I must be strong for you and I’m trying to be strong, but it is so painful baby. But I will not give up – I promise. They can beat me up here, but I will not give up, I have you to live for. You know, sometimes I think how hard we knocked on heaven’s door, how much we wanted to get in – but they denied our access. They told us to go away and now they separated us. Now – when you need me the most… Who is holding your hand there, when you feel weak and lonely...? Who is trying to make you laugh when you’re feeling down…? I just can’t accept the fact, that I am not there for you baby…But we will go through this hell. We will - I promise. Yesterday in the afternoon, the guy who lives next to me, hit me on my head and told me it was for the smell coming from my cell. I tried to explain to him, that it was not my fault, that I don’t even use that toilet, but then he grabbed me and started to strangle me shouting to shut up… So I kept quiet, I just wanted him to let me go… This morning, one of the guards walked into my cell to ask me why I didn’t come to pick up my food for a few days now. I explained to him that I wasn’t hungry. He then started yelling and said, that he didn’t give a fuck whether I eat or not, but he didn’t want to be in trouble, as the governor is very strict on food policy… He said, he couldn’t care less if I die here or not – as long as it is not on his shift – then he would have to do lots of paperwork regarding removal of my body and the cause of my death. I apologised to him and told him I would go to pick up my food from now on. I am just so scared to go there - after that guy was attacked in the queue in front of me… You know baby, each time when I am locked up in my cell and I hear the keys rattling outside my door – my heart skips the beat. I always think, that they are coming to set me free – that they realised they made a mistake in the court, that I am innocent… I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it. Kasia must have already told my mum about me. I am very worried about her, I just don’t want her to worry too much. I will never tell her how things really are here. I just need to pretend, that everything is fine. I don’t even know, when will they finally register her number either… I tried to call you, Kasia, Lisa and mum today – but nothing went through…I am also worried, how Lucia is going to cope without me in the office… she’s been there only for 3 months… This morning I was called to see a nurse for a standard check-up. She was so rude. But you know what baby, I could smell her perfumes and it nearly brought me to tears… It reminded me of the world outside of these prison walls. She kept looking at me with a disgust – probably because I stank of that shit laying around my toilet on the floor. I felt so embarrassed… Baby, I need to finish here – I’m running out of space on this paper again. I don’t know anything about any jobs or education yet. I just kissed that letter here – it’s a bit like I could kiss you again. C, please listen to the doctors there, do not give up. One day it will be all ok again. We will laugh again, we will go to the cinema and lay on the blanket in the park again. We will order sushi after midnight and you will make polish dumplings for Christmas again. You will read your favourite Naruto comic books on every Thursday morning and I will be looking at you thinking how lucky I am to have you in my life. I promise you all this. One day, they will open those doors to our heaven and we will walk in there holding hands. I love you so much. Forever Yours Sebastian
  15. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 2

    3.08.2015 Dear C, How are you my love? How is your chemo going? I hope you are ok… Last night I dreamt of being next to you in a hospital, I held your hand. You smiled at me and told me, that everything would be alright. When I woke up I couldn’t stop crying. I’m just missing you so fucking much… I just don’t know what to do without you… But I know I have to be strong for you. For us. Each morning when I wake up, I just cannot believe that I am here… I just don’t know why we both have to go through all this…? You are fighting your cancer and I'm being locked up here. Why do we have to be separated…? How am I going to survive without you for next 3 years…? I haven’t seen your beautiful face for 5 days now, and it’s been the longest we have ever been apart… But I want to believe, that we will go through this together, we will win somehow. Just like our love will. Life is terrible here... Someone pushed me off the stairs yesterday and I fell down and landed hard on my back. It hurts really bad now, but I’m ok. I wish I could have fought back, but they all stay in groups, so there is no point doing anything. Plus you know that I don’t know how to fight, so I just got up and walked away. But if someone was hurting you - oh baby! I would fight till I have no more air in my lungs. Anyway, when I walked away, they started throwing things at me from a rubbish bin and called me names. The guards laughed at me too and I think they were calling me names as well – something to do with me being a foreigner. I can’t remember exactly. When I came back to my cell, I found a bag of human faeces left on my pillow. It stank so bad... I could hear people laughing outside my cell - I bet they were waiting for some reaction. I just took it and threw it into my toilet. The toilet is still blocked, but I don’t use it – I can’t really eat anything anyway. I asked guards again if they could send someone to fix it, but they said they were all too busy. One of them told me to put it in writing, so I did it yesterday. The smell in my cell is awful baby...At night I roll 2 pieces of toilet paper and stuck them in my nose - so it is not that overwhelming and I just breathe through my mouth. I so wanted to go and take a shower outside, after touching that shit in the bag, but I was too scared they may beat me up again. I washed after they locked us up - here in my cell, so it's ok. I haven't showered in 5 days baby... I am too scared to go there. I just use my small sink here. Today at 4 pm at the dinner queue, a guy in front of me was stubbed with a home-made weapon: a razor blade melted into a toothbrush. Someone slashed his face and his arms. Blood was everywhere. I had it on my clothes too. He fell on the floor – I think he must have lost his consciousness. I had to leave the queue… I went back to my cell and threw up. And you know what? Someone from the queue shouted to give him my dinner and the dinner of the guy who was attacked… Can you imagine…? I was shaking like a leaf, I was terrified. I have never seen anything like this in my whole life. It's almost 1 am now and I'm a bit calmer - writing to you makes me feel like you are near me. I know it's stupid, but it helps me baby. How is mum? And siblings? I hope they are all ok. I’m sure that Kasia will come to visit you soon and so will Lisa. I was also thinking, that Kasia could move to our room now? What do you think? I filled in an application for some workshops and education. They offer English classes, maths, business venture and art. Maybe English? I was thinking about art, but I can’t even draw, so I guess it's not a good idea. Babes, once you feel better, maybe you could come to visit me with Kasia? But only if you feel better – there is no rush, your health is the most important here. I’m running out of space on this paper babes, I still have no money to buy anything. As you can see, I am writing on a piece of wrapping paper. I found it in the bin yesterday, so I could write to you - I'm sorry about this... They still haven’t registered your phone number… I cried when I tried to call you and it didn’t go through. I just miss you so much… I just want to hear your voice again. Just your voice… Baby, stay strong, be brave out there, please. Do it for me. I will be writing as often as I can my love. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian

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