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Sebastian Bauer

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About Sebastian Bauer

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Sexuality
    Gay
  • Favorite Genres
    Everything
  • Location
    Poland
  • Interests
    Art, music, people

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  1. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 19

    29.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing my love? How are you handling the chemo? Have the doctors said anything yet? I spoke to my mum and she told me that everything is going ok. I hope baby, I hope… I met with a guy called Andrew. He is my “offender supervisor”. Funny the name – I am not any offender. Anyway, he did like a short interview with me, asked me some basic questions. He asked about my case. He also said that I will need to meet with my “offender manager” at some point too. Basically they are the people that set the plan of action for me while I am in prison. Well, it is not going to be easy for them as I maintain my innocence and I am not willing to attend any of the courses here – the ones that are supposed to “fix you”, so you shouldn’t commit any crime again in the future. What crime? I am the victim in this circus. I’m lost for words… Anyway, he told me that there is a possibility that I could be deported back to Poland…! How? I mean my life is here in UK. I can’t just go back to Poland! I haven’t lived there for 16 years! He told me I could appeal to it etc. but in a current political situation in UK they are willing to kick as many foreigners out of the country as possible. I am devastated. I cannot imagine myself being back in Poland. I don’t know anyone there. Only my mother. Plus how can I leave you? Yes, a part of me still believes we will go through this hell and will be together again. My headache never stopped since I met this guy. I don’t know what to do, nowhere to go to check anything, no Google to use to find out more. Here nobody cares. I spend my days here talking to that guy David a lot. He knows (or he think he knows) the prison system inside out. And he seems to be a very proud man because of this knowledge. I feel really sorry for him. I wish never to have his kind of “wisdom”… The less I know about the prison – the better. C, I will wrap up here. It’s almost 10pm now and I want to sleep. This headache is killing me. I will write to you soon. I love you so much. How I wish you could hold me tight. And I could fall asleep in your arms. Forever yours, Sebastian
  2. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 18 (He Ain't Gettin' My Jumper)

    23.10.2015 Dear C, This is just a short letter today. I wasn’t planning on writing to you until Sunday, but I just had that strong need of telling you how much I love you. And I know that words cannot express how I really feel. Nothing can. And I know you don’t care. Anyway, there is a guy here on my landing, who is attacking me verbally to give him my jumper – the one I got in the parcel from my mother. He is a big, black man and maybe he thinks that I am scared of him. I am so not. I am not scared of anybody anymore. Before I let people abuse me, because I thought I had to survive all this for you. Now, I don’t care. So I told him, that it would never happen, then he asked me how much I wanted for it? Like what? He got cash on him? And even if so, I can’t spend it here. I got a letter from a guy called Andrew – he works in a prison system and he is my “offender supervisor” – whatever that means. I am supposed to see him on Monday. Baby, it’s almost midnight now and I’m going to sleep. I think I have lost some weight you know. My polo shirt that I used to wear at home started to look like a dress on me now. I think I am going to set myself a goal to lose a lot of weight here. Time will tell. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  3. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 17 (The Visit)

    21.10.2015 Dear C, How is my baby doing? How is your belly? I spoke to my mum yesterday and she told me you had some bad stomach pain. I remember how you used to have it when I was coming to visit you in the hospital too… Baby, I hope the pain will go away soon. It’s the chemo effect. Please be brave my love. I got an email from Lucia today. She tried to cheer me up. She said that she spoke to you and that she would be taking you to lunch once you are permitted to leave the hospital. OMG – how much I wish I could join you guys… Lucia is such a wonderful person, so caring. I cannot believe she actually cares for me and you… I only worked with her for 3 months. She is a friend for life. I miss her a lot you know… She asked me in her email to promise her that I will be strong. That I will not give up and survive all this. To think about my future. I truly appreciate all this. I really hope that I will be able to see her again one day. Last night a guy a few doors down had an epilepsy attack in the middle of the night. There was so much noise and banging. Eventually someone came to get him to the nurse. Poor guy. I felt so sorry for him. Kasia and Agnes came to visit me a few days ago! It was so emotional. I tried so hard not to cry… I enjoyed seeing them so, so, so much. Just seeing two people that you know really care for you was overwhelming… I love them so much. We talked a lot, they tried to make me laugh. They bought me a Mars bar and a can of Dr. Pepper and diet coke. You have no idea what a joy it was to taste it again. I just cannot thank them enough for coming to see me. We talked about my future. We talked about you. I tried to talk about you a lot (then I cried), but they both tried to change subject. Agnes was quite angry with you that you left me when I needed you the most, but I told her that your health matters the most to me. You know, as we sat there and kept talking for a moment I forgot that I was in prison, I felt like a human being again… 2 hours went so quick and we had to say goodbye. We held hands and hugged. Agnes cried on the way out and so did I. But when I came back to my cell – then I just couldn’t stop crying. Someone told me here that it’s always very difficult during the first visits. You know babes, when I saw Agnes and Kasia leaving through the “outside” door and I had to go back inside – it was horrible. I don’t know how I would react if you ever decide to visit me... I know you probably never will, but if you do… In my art classes today I met a guy called Jose. He is originally from Portugal, but lives in London. Guess where? Your area! Bermondsey! Small world. He lives close to Old Kent Road – near Argos. Can you believe it? He has now moved to the cell right in front of me. He has around 3 years to go and he has been in prison for almost 2 years now. He seems to be very relaxed and cool. He seems to have a good sense of humour too. You know C, I wish you could see my artwork… I used watercolour pencils today, I never knew they existed. It’s really cool. You use these pencils as normal, then you take a wet brush and it looks like paint. Amazing. I did another “magic tree”. I love painting trees. I received a short letter from a girl called Adriana. She was working in my office. She was very supportive of me, the letter was very touching. She said that everybody was deeply in shock when they found out what happened to me. She asked me to be strong and never give up. The other day a guy called David came to my cell and told me, that there is a group called “Real Voices” here and they support the LGBT community. They have meetings once a month and if I want to come I am welcomed. I am not really into this and I don’t think I will be coming. I don’t really want to socialise with many people here. You know, I often wonder if you ever think of me at all. Or am I just a thing from the past to you. I know that you have so much on your mind now and I always say that your health comes first. But you have no idea how much it would mean to me if you could only just send me a short email asking if I’m ok… Or that you worry about me. Or to tell me to be strong… C, I am going to wrap up here. Please look after yourself there my love. Be brave, be strong. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  4. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 16 (The Belt & The Magic Tree)

    16.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? How is chemo going? How are you feeling in general? I can imagine, that by now you must have lost all of your hair… Lucky you-you have a perfectly shaped skull, so you still look hot – even without your hair! I would look like Mr. Potato!!! I met an interesting guy here called David Tant. He has been in prison since the 70s!!! I mean… my brain cannot even digest that information. He is now in his early 80s but he is still very energetic though. He sometimes comes to my cell with his coffee. He seems ok, but truly I am not really sure what he really wants from me. He comforts me quite a bit, I told him about you and he told me he had never seen anyone grieving so much after love lost. People avoid him here because he is apparently a “grass” – meaning that he reports everything to the office. So people don’t trust him and in fact they hate him. I have nothing against him, he hasn’t done anything wrong to me (yet). He actually helped me getting my clothes sent in here from the previous prison. When my mum came there and I had been already moved here, she left the box with my private clothes with them and they sent the box to this prison. But here I couldn’t receive them as it’s been 30 days already since I have been locked up. Anyway, David helped me write a form to a governor and eventually I got my clothes. It feels great to be able to wear my own clothes again… You know C, my mum packed your belt – by mistake. She must have thought it was mine. When I saw it I cried like a baby. I couldn’t stop smelling it – it made me feel closer to you again. I know it’s silly, but I don’t care. At night I wrap that belt around my wrist and put my head on it – so it feels like you are lying next to me… Last night I woke up in the middle of the night panicking as I couldn’t find it. It turned out it slipped between the wall and the mattress. My art classes are going well. They have become my escape from the reality here. I dive into the colours and I lose myself in them. There is something in these colours that makes me feel safe. It’s like I am surrounded by some kind of light. I don’t know, I don’t really understand this. But it helps. I painted a tree today. My very first finished work. The ones before are just a collection of unstructured shapes, lines and who knows what else. This tree is the first art work that actually has a decent shape and colour mix. Well, it’s not a typical tree – I used the colours I liked and which were available at that time. It looks a bit like some kind of a tree from a magic forest… It’s nothing special, but it gave me a real pleasure to work on it. I wish you could see it one day… It’s nowhere near your amazing art work, but hey – I’m not an artist baby… I am going to wrap up here my love. I love you. Please look after yourself. For you. For me. I am missing you so much. Your touch, your smile, your voice, your smell… Forever Yours Sebastian
  5. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 15 (Beyonce and I)

    12.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing baby? There is not a single night passing when I wouldn’t have a dream about you. On one hand I love it as it makes me feel like I am still with you, but on the other hand I hate it – the cold light of day only reminds me how much pain I fell inside of me, in every single bone, in every single blood cell… Two night ago I dreamt I was at my aunt’s home party. I haven’t seen here in years. Her name is Helena. She has always been my favourite sibling from my mother’s side. But our paths parted long time ago and I haven’t seen her in years. I think she is working in Switzerland these days. Anyway, I was there and the vibe was good. I remember that the lights were dimmed and some colourful light lit up the entire house. It must have been summer because all of the windows were wide open. It was all happening in my aunt’s flat that I used to spend a lot of time with my cousins Monika and Maciek… I remember once scene from this dream - so surreal, that even now I am thinking about it. Beyoncé was there! Yes! She was there talking to me like we were best friends. I was telling her about you and how I fucked up by not telling you about my civil partnership I had before, how you said you couldn’t trust me anymore and how I suffered. Prison was not mentioned at all, which was weird. She was very sympathetic and asked a lot about your health. I was telling how brave you have been with chemo and all that… But there was one thing that was the main subject of our conversation. You were invited to come to this party. And I didn’t know whether you would come or not. Beyoncé was as excited as I was and when I asked her (for like million times already) if she thinks you’ll come, she said that everything would be alright. Soon my auntie approached us with some homemade finger sandwiches.… And then it happened. Someone rang the doorbell. And what? I woke up!!! I couldn’t believe it! Did you come? What was the end of that dream??? Why did I have to wake up at this very moment??? I tried to go back to sleep, to return to this house, to find out if it was you ringing the door. But I never did. I couldn’t find the way back there. I cried so hard. I thought I’d never get up from my bed that day to go to my art classes. I felt that inner darkness was consuming me. I felt like some invisible hands were strangling me. Eventually I got up, hid my tears and went to my classes. Art was ok, I am still practising with colours, shapes. One of the orderlies – Adam – is fantastic. He is very helpful and attentive. He has so much knowledge about art. I know absolutely nothing. The tutors – Susie and Maria are fine. Susie works only Mondays (she used to live in Poland before, she is English) and Maria works Tuesdays to Fridays. She is very cool. She likes what I’m doing. I think if I met her on the outside, we would have been good friends. She has beautiful tattoos of butterflies and bears. That day in the afternoon I broke down in my English class. Just like that. We were writing some articles and I just started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop. The teacher asked me if I wanted to go back to my cell to calm down and I agreed. She gave me an early pass so I could show it to the guards at the door. I came back and just cried. I didn’t go to pick up my dinner that evening. I couldn’t. Mr. Stewart eventually came to my cell to check on me. He brought me some food and asked me to take it easy. I didn’t even care I was crying in front of him anymore. The next day I felt stupid though. Today I feel a bit better. I am trying so hard to survive each day. I tried to call you a few times today, but you never picked up the phone. It got me worried for two reasons. First I thought that something bad happened to you, but then I dismissed that thought. After all, I have a deal with God. I am in prison so you can get better. Then I thought that you decided never to speak to me again. This thought paralyzed me. What if you have changed your number? What if I am now just a thing from the past for you? That thought nearly killed me. I will try to call you tomorrow. Please pick up C… Please let me hear your voice…I love you so much. So fucking much. Forever Yours Sebastian
  6. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    Thank you kindly for your comments. Yes, it wasn't easy. It is still hard sometimes, but I am trying to put all this behind. You will all know what really happened. One day soon I will create a page with the explanation of what happened to me. Do follow my art page - it will be there www.sebastianbauerart.com Thank you. S.B.
  7. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 14

    Dear Hunter of Porn, Thank you for the comment. I am still learning how to paint. It's a journey. C doesn't know anything about my letters. I have no idea how he would have reacted to them... S.B.
  8. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 14

    4.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing my love…? I had a dream last night, I saw you walking down the streets in Wimbledon. I was waiting for you at the Starbucks. You came in and we kissed. We drank lots of hot chocolate and we laughed. We laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt. It was golden. It was magical. I felt how love embraced us again and held us tight. I woke up here so confused. It was 5 in the morning and when I saw the broken sink and scratched tiny mirror I got my reminder where I was… I didn’t cry. I just laid numb. I closed my eyes again and tried to come back to you, there at the Starbucks in Wimbledon – but I couldn’t anymore... Then I cried. Today I had my first art and English classes. There is a building here, which is designed for education only. They have many different courses here, it’s totally different to the previous place. Anyway English classes are ridiculous. With all due respect to everyone, but these people don’t know how to write. And I’m the only foreigner in the group. We had to write a formal and informal letter. I felt like being back to school. But other guys really struggled. Then I realised that it wasn’t a joke – they really didn’t know how to write anything. Now I feel really sorry for them. I kind of also gathered they didn’t like me, because the tutor praised me a lot (which made me feel really embarrassed) saying I should be an example for them… Art class was ok. I had no clue what I was doing. The tutor asked me what brushes I wanted to use – I knew nothing about brushes. I was then given some brushes for watercolour paints. I sat on my own and started to paint. It was fun to watch how the colours interacted with one another. It made feel quite mesmerised. I almost forgot how much pain there is inside of me. I couldn’t stop watching the colours and how they were drying onto the wet paper. I didn’t paint anything, I just did some circles and irregular shapes. I will never be able to paint, I’m not an artist and never will be, but at least now it takes me away from that place and the whole misery. At least for a moment. I spoke to Kasia yesterday and she said she would come here with my mum in December. I can’t wait for it to happen. Also Agnes wants to visit me. And I am sure Lisa will soon come. I miss them all so much. I miss you the most. I am worry of you every day. The people here are so much calmer. Like I told you before – it’s a completely different world. They say it’s more like a learning / healing centre than a regular prison. I mean it is still called a prison, but has less of a prison feel to it – well at least that’s what I can tell. My prison experience has just started after all. Baby, how is your chemo going on…? How are you talking this? I hope your friends are there for you, I hope Sarah is visiting you often. Please be positive. Be strong. I will write soon my love. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  9. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    30.09.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? How is your chemo going? I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she told me that the doctors were now looking for the donor for your bone marrow transplant… Oh God, I hope they will find that person soon. It was so good to hear your voice the other day we spoke… even though it was one of the most painful experience I had to ever endure…. I just couldn’t believe you told me, that before I leave the prison you might be already married to somebody else. How come? It’s us baby, it’s you and me, no one else… C, this prison is so much better. It’s decent. It seems like there is some kind of order here. One of the guards came to see me the other day and said he would be my personal officer – Mr Steward. A nice guy. He took me to a small office and asked me how I was coping. I broke down and told him a bit about us. He listened. He asked me to be strong. He talked to me about learning courses that I could do here and what kind of work I could sign up for. I think I’m gonna give it a go and try art classes. I can’t paint, but I like the idea of just creating something. I will never be as great as you are baby. My cell is in a decent “neighbourhood”. I have an old Scotish guy to my left – his name is John, then a guy called Ben on the other side. Ben seems very energetic – he must be in his mid-thirties. He helped me arrange a new kettle and gave me some chemicals to clean my cell when I moved in. There is also that guy called Trevor – he seems cool too. He looks like he spent all of his life sunbathing in the Bahamas – his skin is very tanned. There is also a little guy called Ryan – he is very short and looks like he is 16 years old. His teeth are terribly yellow and I saw his cell – what a mess… Geoff is on res 2 (I am on res 5), but we see each other during the exercise time. They let us out once a day at 11.30 till noon. We walk around the yard or sometimes we sit on the bench. Ibrahim also comes to my cell and he even encouraged me to play cards with me once. The worst is at night. When at 6pm they lock the cells and then I am left with nothing but my thoughts. It’s horrible. How am I going to last 3 years here…? Baby, my anti-depressants started to kick in now – I will end here and soon write again. I love you. So Much. Forever Yours Sebastian
  10. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 12

    24.09.2015 Dear C, I am in a new prison. They moved me to a category C establishment. It looks much better than Belmarsh. There are plants and flowers growing all around the yard! Can you believe it? Other prisoners seem to be much calmer too. There are a lot of older guys here, which is a blessing for me I guess. I don’t want violence anymore. The day the moved me here was Friday, 18th of September. In the morning one of the guards shouted my name through the door and said to pack my shit - as I would be moving. I had 20 minutes to do so. It took me 1 minute to pack. I threw everything into some plastic bag. It was a very overwhelming feeling to see, that I could fit my whole life into a medium size plastic bag… It reminded me of how little I have left… The journey to this prison was long – 4 hrs drive in a prison van. They gave us a tiny bottle of mineral water. There were 3 other guys going with me: Geoff, Ibrahim and Peter. They seem decent, I never really spoke to them before, only Geoff a few times. I have a single cell here, which is much smaller than the one I had in Belmarsh. But guess what? I have my own key to my cell! So I can leave my cell without fearing that someone would walk in and steal my stuff again. The cells are opened all day - from 8am till 6pm. They only lock us up for 1 hr during the lunch time. The guards seem nicer too. I had my induction on my first day. They talked about drugs, violence, equalities… It was nice to actually know that someone cared. Or even pretended to care… I still cannot believe that I didn’t get to see my mum, when she came to visit me on Tuesday 22nd September. I couldn’t inform Kasia that I was moved. I asked one of the guards on Res 6 to call her and to let her know I was moved, but obviously no one did… And what happened? My mum came to London on Monday thinking she would visit me on the following day. Her and Kasia came to Belmarsh just to find out I was moved! My mum was devastated and so was I. She flew all the way from Poland to London to see me and she was unable to…I spoke to her on the phone while she was still in London – she went to our flat to check on my belongings and to decide with Kasia what they would ship back to Poland… Then you came there and we talked for a while… I cried so hard when I heard your voice again and my mum told me that you cried too… I cannot believe that you just stopped loving me… Did you? How is it possible? I mean you can’t just stop loving someone just like that, can you? It’s now 11.38pm and it’s so quiet here. I am living on res 5 (building number 5) on landing number 4 (1st floor). Ibrahim comes to see me sometimes, but I still sleep most of the day. I am still taking the antidepressants and they make me dizzy. Very dizzy. I was told that soon I should be getting a job or I would start some education courses. I miss you. I miss you each time I inhale and exhale. I worry about you all the time – whenever I am conscious. I just hope that this bloody cancer of yours soon will be just a thing of the past…I will write soon. I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  11. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 11

    16.09.2015 Dear C, I am not coping well. I never thought my eyes were capable of producing so many tears. Can a human being actually cry that much? God - if he exists - is laughing at me now. His twisted ways...I begged him to save you if I go to prison. And what happened? I'm here and you left me. The injustice that I feel is overwhelming. I have no more words. I only know that I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
  12. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 10 (Colourful Pills)

    13.09.2015 Dear C, I just wanted to tell you that I suffer so much without you. It hurts so bad that I cannot tell the difference between the pain anymore. My heart is dead inside, but somehow I am still alive. I still walk around this cell, but inside of me - there is fire, fire that consumes me deeper and deeper each and every second. I don’t even know what is real anymore. Or am I actually dead? Have they actually beaten me so hard here that I eventually died…? Or did I succeed and managed to cut my wrists…? And this is my afterlife? Is this how I am going to spend my eternity? In this tiny cell, where some nurse comes to see me once a day pretending she cares? And makes me take all these colourful pills? Where I hear people scream outside my door? Where I wake up in the middle of the night covered with sweat screaming so hard…? And where are you? Why aren’t you here with me holding my hand? The way I held yours, when you needed me the most…? I don’t even know what to write anymore. I feel numb. I want to tell you so much, but I have no energy to put words down on the paper... And I know you don’t care. Please come here. Please save me. Forever Yours Sebastian
  13. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 9

    11.09.2015 Dear C, It’s 4.12 in the morning and I have just woken up here. I think I must have slept since my last letter. I know they brought me some food here, but I can’t remember eating it. I have noticed some documents they gave me to read and sign, but I had no energy to go through them yet. C, I never wanted to tell you about this, but now as you don't care about me anymore - I can write. I was raped. It happened to me on the 21st of August...It was the day they moved me to somebody else’s cell, so they could fix the toilet in my cell - they had to seal it off or something. The guy who did that to me will never see outside of the prison walls. He is serving his life sentence, so he doesn’t care. I said ‘’hello’’ as I walked in and he immediately told me to shut up. So I stayed quiet. I climbed the bank bed and just wanted to sleep. He told me that if I make any noises twisting and turning - he is going to kill me. I just replied that I would be quiet. I laid down and tried not to move at all. I fell asleep and it was already dark when I suddenly felt this piercing pain in my head. He grabbed me and threw me onto the floor… He started kicking me and said that if I screamed he would kill me before anyone comes up to help me. So I stayed quiet as I knew I had to be alive for you… Now I regret I never screamed... He was kicking me so hard that I thought I would pass out. Then he pulled my prison trousers down and raped me. I don’t remember much of it anymore now. I know I never screamed, I just cried quietly. I cried and kept begging God to save me, to let me survive this - so we can be together again one day. When he was raping me I kept trying to rewind my life and to focus on all those days we spent together. He was hitting my head with a rolled newspaper and kept burning my back with his cigarettes. Luckily I had a prison t-shirt on, so the burn didn’t hurt that much… When he finished, he laughed at me and called me names. He then went to bed and told me to stay on the floor. He warned me that if I open my mouth to anyone about this – I would never leave this prison alive. I cried and agreed. I crawled to the corner of the cell and sat on the floor next to the toilet. I was shaking, my whole body hurt. I cried so much, but I knew I had to be strong for you. He got up once at night and hit me in my face and told me to be quiet. I never slept that night – I was too scared. I was numb. When the morning light broke through I saw the blood stains on the floor where he raped me. I had blood on my legs and hands. One of my teeth was loose too – it hurt like hell. I don’t remember much from the next day. They moved me back to my cell in the late afternoon. I went downstairs to call you and your number was finally registered…! The phone was ringing!!! For a moment I forgot about the pain, the rape, the beatings – because I knew I would hear your voice… And then, when you said ‘’hello’’ I knew something was wrong… I cannot remember much of that conversation anymore, but I remember when you told me you were leaving me…I know that I must have begged you not to leave me, that I needed you so much… Then my credit run out… I came back to my cell and cut my wrists with that stupid plastic knife. But I couldn’t even do that properly, because these knives are really thick… I guess someone must have seen me doing this and called the guards. I don’t remember much after that, I woke up in a different cell with a different door. I have been here since. I am very dizzy, not knowing what’s going on… I don’t even know whether you have really left me or not… Or am I actually dead? Or is it just one of those weird, terrifying dreams? I have been having those horrible nightmares lately… And if I’m alive – why??? If there is God or whatever there might be, why am I being tortured so much? Why everyone I loved abounded me? Why did I have to lose everything and everyone that I have loved…What is the point of all of this? God, please talk to me...! Please give me some kind of sign, because I can’t go on anymore. Being alive hurts me so much. Please just let me die.
  14. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 8

    09.09.2015 Dear C, I thought I would never write to you again, but I love you too much not to. I wish I could tell you not to leave me, not to treat me this way, not to hurt me this way - but I can’t. In all this, I need to remember that your health is the most important. That anything else doesn’t really matter anymore. Now when I mean so little to you – it will be easier for me to go – if ever someone here decides to abuse or hurt me again. I don’t need to be so fucking desperate to stay alive anymore. It’s almost like this heavyweight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can let go now. I cannot describe how much it hurts knowing you left me and how much I love and care for you, but I am not going to write about it. I am still getting strong meds and they make me sleep all the time. I don’t even know whether it’s a day or night, there is no window here. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Sometimes I wake up here thinking I’m at home. I’m not.I’m very weak and feeling dizzy. I don’t really know what is going to happen to me. Forever Yours Sebastian
  15. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 7

    AC Benus, thank you very much...
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