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x Trevor x

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About x Trevor x

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    Male
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    Gay
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    Everything
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    USA
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    Teen Wolf/Days Of Our Lives/Charmed/Atlantis/Tru Calling

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  1. x Trevor x

    Fading

    Thank you and I also agree, especially as I reflect on this one. All of them have, if not all of me, then some part of me and some have more parts than others. For me this was a very real experience. Imagine being raised in such a sheltered environment, you have suffered a great loss at a very young age and the person raising you shelters you and in a sense preserves your childhood for you even beyond its time, in a sense keeping you infantile in a way, trying to compensate for the loss. So the only way you learn anything about life is through movies or television shows which don't entirely reflect every aspect of real life, and the details, the small details can get lost in the bigger plot. You form a dream in your head, and for you, because of all of this, the dream is very real. It's going to happen and it's going to come true, this is how it's going to be. Then once you are out there, you find that nothing is what you thought it was, those tiny details suddenly matter so much more. Then the dream that you had for your life, it was created based on fictional reality and crushed by actual reality. That is pretty much what this is about and I completely agree that it is sad and very cruel and a hard thing to have to go through.
  2. x Trevor x

    Fading

    Maybe I was never much but at least once I was something, at least once I had the hope to have a dream and at least once I did have a dream, well that was all shot straight to hell. Might as well have aimed a gun to that pretty, vivid, dream like paradise, I saw inside my head and blasted a bullet straight through it, rip the dream to reveal the ugly reality outside of it. Then you find me as I start to lose myself with every emotional kick and punch, I find myself just wanting to lay there, wanting to just fade away from myself. I find myself wanting to go into a world where my vision blurs and I see but yet I don't see, a world where I can't feel, everything goes numb and time doesn't exist. And as I lay there I find myself drifting further and further away into peace and yet at the same time I'm not even aware of anything. It's a place where I'm truly alone but that's okay because as I said, in this place I don't feel it, I'm not aware and I've learned if you have to be alone then it's better to truly be alone than to be alone in a crowd, alone in the center of a ring where you're frozen in a moment watching life happen around you while your own doesn't process within the confines of reality it's self. The only time any interaction or contact occurs is when you could be of valuable use, like a device or a machine or an object and when you're not needed or you defy the way they want you to operate, you're nothing more than a thing to be treated with anger and abused before being put in a shelf, door closed, unseen. You go from little to nothing and then you just want to fade away.
  3. x Trevor x

    All He Had

    All he had was a dream and more than that he had hope. Unlike many, he still had his childlike wonder He had no idea of what life was all about. He didn't want to be tied down. His dream was to be free. He wanted to see the world. What little bit of it he saw... He had no idea it was so bad The child inside was killed and with him his dream. mFar from free he would be. After years of feeling alien, and more than that going through hell Sometimes he was noticed...and he was treated less than human. When he wasn't noticed he didn't exist to anyone Having accepted what the world was... all he wanted was for the world to accept what he was. He was simply a human being. And he wanted to be free more than anything. Even if it meant walking into the ocean..and like his dream, he kept going. Despite what would happen... he knew he left in a beautiful way Even if it was only something...he could see and understand.
  4. x Trevor x

    Serial Killer

    One thing you should always keep in mind is that I like to paint pictures, I like for people to see things that are in actuality something completely different yet exactly the same. An Illusion maybe? But then isn't that what all murderers should be good at? Making you see what they want you to see? That's what I do, I paint pictures with words to make you see what I feel. My first victim would be called sadness, the one who lives in tears, drying up as it wastes the bodies water on things that just shouldn't happen because sadness doesn't deserve it, rather sadness deserves to not exist more than anything. And for those tears? Sadness deserves to drown. Anger? Hmm so many ways. This would be a long and dirty job coming. First a good beating, anger is strong, anger will fight back. Anger will have you quaking and shaking and if you aren't careful, anger will bring you to your knees. That doesn't happen. Anger falls to the floor beaten and bruised, a gun grabbed and for a nice touch you take out angers limbs, a single shot to each one, further disarming anger. Then? You reach the root of it all by grabbing that knife and slashing anger wide open to destroy and kill the core of it's very being. In doing this? You take out two for one, sometimes more because anger sometimes has it's little babies, like jealousy or pride or greed, so many little emotions that fuel such a big and sometimes explosive response. And then there is stress, my most hated of all of my emotional enemies. Stress is the hell of my existence, stress is friends with anger, stress is angers next door neighbor and I run out of patience when it comes to stress. So why not go ahead and kill it out? Of course stress is an emotion of the plague as it comes to visit every day, multiple times a day and sometimes it just won't go away. It feeds to anger and if it goes too far it can even feed to complete and utter insanity. Stress is chaos. Stress is the chase. The chase and the chaos, like the chase through the windy woods at night, the flash of the moons light shining through the shifting trees, the leaves causing the light to move this way and that, all the sounds, the darkness that escapes the light. You're running and you're breath is heavy and your heart beat pounds. You don't know which way to go and so you just stop and spin around as you watch the utter chaos of the windy forest night that is stress as it tries to over bear you. Then? You fall to your knees and you scream, you think that the victim that is stress just might take you out. But then you kill stress with pills, you force them into stresses mouth and down stresses throat, stress over doses and dies and your body finally relaxes as the wind dies and the trees slow and your breathing becomes a pleasant sound of relief. Stress is dead. Happiness? Now who would ever want to kill happiness? Everyone and that may or may not be surprising to you. Now of course no one wants to kill their own happiness but we all love to be serial killers when it comes to taking each other down, just go into any school, ask the kid getting slammed into the locker or the girl who hangs herself at home because she sent a dirty text to her boyfriend and it went viral. Point is happiness was a friend of mine once but happiness would come and go and happiness for me was an unreliable friend and so sometimes I just beat happiness up. Why? Because it's easier to be numb, because to be numb, you're not caught, you're still the masked and mysterious serial killer, armed with a shield of protection that can protect you from whatever the world and everyone in it throws at you. And it feels good, it feels good to take all the hits and to be able to say ... fuck you, I don't care, each and every time.
  5. x Trevor x

    Thoughts In Quiet Moments

    How can we all appear so open, so happy, and so connected? It's as if time and technology are bringing us so close together when really, some of us are more lonely and disconnected than anyone could ever know, or admit to knowing. Why wouldn't one admit to knowing something that is as common as disconnection? Especially in our time. It's because if you admit to knowing we are disconnected, then all the hard work in trying to really connect falls apart, it is then that the superficial illusion is stripped away and the ugly truth behind the veil comes to be seen. The illusion and all the work taken to create it was for the sake of self preservation, a way to try to get close, to connect, without really taking the risk of true connection. It's kind of like a handshake from a distance, you can see each other, you can talk, but you can't reach each other and that simple form of bonding and the risk that person might grab you and stab you in the heart, the distance protects you. It's a fake and failed attempt to try and find the benefit of making each other happier because a lot of us are more lonely than some realize, and some of those lonely people, they rather lie than to accept the consequence of the flawed design. Because like life, this illusion allows rejection, the social make up of it might make the only truth about it, if you can't live up to the illusion, if you can't accept what little bit you get from it and contribute to it and live up to it, you will never belong, either because you don't know how or because you won't settle. Or simply because you break the rules by wanting more, the part of people that use this to protect themselves from having their vulnerabilities touched, the people that use this to avoid risk. We are all human, and this may or may not be true, but I think it's a real shocker that we are so afraid of each other.
  6. What is life if there is nothing to reach for? Not a goal, not a dream? Not a friend? Not a life? What is existing when it is merely existing just to be? When it is only because you are only afraid of what is beyond? When it is only because you know that you could never turn back if transcending is worse than merely being? It's nothing. It's reaching for something that's not there. Like a hunger, a human hunger to feel alive for a human is supposed to be alive so long as they exist here. Otherwise they could be left, all alone, abandoned, questioning their very purpose. It's a pain no one could imagine unless they experienced it for themselves. And the others, the ones around that have no idea, the ones that are completely clueless, they think you can just shake out of it, flip the switch, the light comes on and fights away the darkness. That's not how it works for like the sun rises, the sun sets, for like the light comes, the darkness comes. Like the eternal battle of good and evil, there must be light and dark. But what is one to do when they are stuck in this darkness that they can't climb their way out of? And then that is when you realize what you're reaching for. You're reaching for a light but that light's not there. You don't know why but where you are, when the sun rises, the suns light never breaks through to you and the day goes by and you never feel the warmth, always the constant coldness in the dark. And then you start to wonder if maybe that is where you belong for trying to belong anywhere else always fails? Maybe you were damned from the start? And then you just lose your words...and the emptiness sets in.
  7. x Trevor x

    The Path To Life Or Death

    It's like a fork in the road, it's fall time and the leaves have all changed into different shades of oranges and yellows and they hang so delicately to the trees that forever stand in the forest that surrounds you, like the innocence that so delicately clings to you as you stand there and whether it falls depends on the decision you make. Both paths lead to the real world, a world that you were forever until now sheltered from, a world that you were blind to. A world that would be nothing like you would ever imagine or picture. The paths? Well one path was the safe path, the path that lead straight down hill where you could see the end, where you could see where it lead, where you could see the world you were about to thrust yourself into but this path would come at a cost, like the leaf that fell so delicately from the autumn tree to the ground as the bare and cold winter took over during your journey down this path would your innocence be stripped away and fall with that leaf and the child that came with that innocence would cry as he watched himself leave himself behind to find that every dream he ever had was shattered. The child would cry as he watched himself go into the real world to find that it was nothing like he had pictured, it was an ugly and dangerous place or at least it could be, it wasn't the idealistic dream he thought that it was before he traveled down this path but then he knew that already because he chose the safe path which meant he was protected from the danger because he knew it was there. Question is ... is safety really worth losing that innocence? Is safety really worth losing those beautiful beliefs and those idealized dreams? Of course they could be kept but they could never be believed as real anymore. Is it really worth the cost? What's the point in being safe if you always have to make sure you're safe? If instead of playing in the ocean, you have to make sure there isn't some psychopath out there waiting to drown you? Or if you have to go around your house, making sure every window is locked and you stop for a second and you begin to cry as you think about all of these things. And then there is the path of innocence, a path in which you might not have any choice but to take, especially if you were sheltered and blinded, if you were forced away from the path of safety and all you could see were the twisty curves and hills the path of innocence went, blocking your sight of the real world, leaving you only of your beliefs of innocence and freedom that lay ahead. So you run for it because that is the only path you can take because you were never made aware that there was another path. So you go into the world naive and while at first it isn't exactly how you pictured it, still you have fun with your childlike wonder and amazement just because you're finally free, just because the veil is finally lifted and just because you're still protected but you're not sheltered or blinded but this person that protects you underestimates your blindness to the world and your innocence gets ripped away from you by your own doing, by putting yourself in a situation that was a childish delusion within your mind. And after that ... you realize you were just forced onto the path of safety because from then on out you realize you have to grow up and protect yourself. So by the end of this story, either way you lose your innocence but there is one question begged to be asked. Is it worth it to lose your innocence sooner to be safer or to keep your innocence longer only to have it ripped away from you by dangerous experience? How can someone really even answer a question like that when really I bet no one wants to lose their innocence at all. It's sad truth I have to admit though that either way it has to happen and whether through teaching or experience, it's no one's fault, maybe the one who should of taught you never did because they never wanted you to lose it or the one that protected you thought that your teacher already taught you and in all honesty the bad guy is the one to blame for ripping it away and committing the dangerous crime. The inner child has to die, it's just a matter of sooner or later.
  8. x Trevor x

    Song of the moment

  9. x Trevor x

    Chapter 16: Empty Halls

    Cody does offer a much needed good guy in Miracle's life, especially with all the bad guys in his life but really it's not so much good vs bad but rather a black and white with a spectrum of grey in between and all of the characters have their place in that spectrum, either right in the middle or leaning closer to the black or the white but it is also easy for these characters to change their places on this scale because they were written very much like Miracle, they have their own psychological issues and their own flaws and motives and intentions so it is a lot to play around with really. I also agree at this point he is handling situations better especially when you compare it to his actions in chapter 9. I think how he chose to handle the mess created at the party was a lot better and he avoided something even worse possibly happening. Self centered is a new perspective, the situation put into example, he didn't so much dump Jaemin in favor of Cody as he didn't look at Cody in that way but I think it was a decision made to step out of the situation completely and to explore his thoughts and feelings when no one else was around. He did go with Cody so as not to be completely alone but I think the choice was made solely on the fact that he just so happened to meet Cody and he was someone that wasn't tied into all the drama and the mess that had been created. I think there have been plenty of times where he may have put his feelings above others, I won't go into any kind of examples but this one really sticks out because it takes the cake. It was when Miracle out right expressed his attraction to Jaemin while in the process of slowly entering a relationship with Sterling and it had been Sterling that he had expressed this to, not at all considering how he felt about a comment like that which is a slap in the face to him. It's just that time that comes to mind the most but there are others, I'm sure. That is true, his motivation to sleeping with someone was either because he needed to forget emotional pain or he needed their love, he could like someone as a friend but when it comes to trying to get love through sex he doesn't care who it is and so really it's more of the fact that he's in love with the idea of being in love because he has truly never been in love. The twisted fantasy world David had created doesn't really count but it's the only experience he can draw from. David had done major damage as it resulted in him believing not just that sex would get him love but his understanding of love was far from realistic as he had essentially been made to feel like everything was about him and that his happiness was the ultimate goal and that it was all Disney wonderland filled with sugar and candy and I think it does mess up his understanding of a real loving relationship and that influences the way that he sees other people, he didn't have to be concerned about David, it was all about him, so that must be how it really works, that is his thought process and Jaemin only feeds to that. In the scene you mention, he thought he had obtained that perfect relationship and could not understand why he was experiencing anything other than good feelings and his reaction was to get away to try to understand it and to try to make some sense of himself and everything around him. It was a self centered reaction but it was influenced by how psychologically damaged he was. But! he's put himself first more than one time and not every single time can it be excused by his past, like the example I have given of the comment he made and to Sterling of all people while they were attempting to be together, that was very careless and while he had not always cared who it was that would love him it was in this instance that he had a preference and he voiced it to Sterling regardless.
  10. x Trevor x

    Chapter 9: Highs And Lows

    Thank you! This is where dramatic really begins! I hope you enjoy what is to come, it still amazes me how things begin to branch out and a spider web of sorts begins to form, everything connected in one way or another. 😉
  11. x Trevor x

    Chapter 6: Mixed

    Bipolar? That's quite possible. There are definitely some psychological issues going on here.
  12. x Trevor x

    Chapter 4: The Rose

    Lol that is one of the greatest things I got out of writing this story and putting it out there. I used to do a lot of reading and the stories I read the protagonists were always the good guys, always did the right thing and were just generally very good. This is not to say Miracle is bad and the story is surrounding a villain but it expresses the flaws of human nature, that we all do things wrong sometimes and we're not all perfect and really the world is filled with many more shades of gray so the thing with this character was that he was made to be flawed and the challenge was for him to make mistakes and do some bad things without getting completely thrown in the villain category. Yes the protagonist destroyed an engagement back in Australia. Yes the protagonist stole his mothers credit card. Yes the protagonist blackmailed someone and it wasn't the first time he had black mailed someone. What makes the difference in all cases is the intentions, he is no stranger to being vindictive but in some cases he has taken steps to attempt to protect himself and despite these things, he is still a good person without having to be squeaky clean. I am really glad you brought that up, it was a thought that had crossed my mind as I knew I was writing a character that was very less than perfect compared to characters I read about in the past and that was part of the surprise to see how readers would react to these types of things and through out he never got placed in the villain category, his intentions and thought processes and his psyche were well understood, the good guys can be bad sometimes and do the wrong thing and have their moments where they just can't take the high road but that didn't necessarily make them evil. I was really happy to be able to do that and in a way most of the characters do find themselves in that grey area and they transition and change places and it really just all makes for an interesting story. 
  13. x Trevor x

    Chapter 3: Blackmail

    Does Miracle actually confuse sex with love? That is a good question, as I think of it now I think there is a process where he doesn't confuse sex and love but rather feels like sex is the way to obtain it so when it doesn't turn out like that it leads to incredible disappointment but rather than seeing that he went about it the wrong way he views it as the other persons preference not to want to be with him, for whatever their reason, he still goes on believing it will eventually be someones preference and that he will get the expected reaction at some point. Of course truth is if someone were going about it like that the chances are slim as they would likely run into a lot of the hook up type of people, which is what happened to him a lot in Australia where we see one of these exact encounters in chapter one. What is fortunate for him is that now he is connecting with people who are not exactly the take it and run type and while the reaction still might not be what he expected, connections are still being made in one form or another that begins to shake the pattern.
  14. x Trevor x

    Chapter 2: Kangaroo Country

    One thing I could never do is write a sex scene the way someone else might want it written, that is something that has to come natural to the author, from the mind to the fingers and off into the story and part of it is preference and what an author is familiar with and also how it plays into the story surrounding it. Some people may like it and some may not and that is okay but it's a good thing if they do enjoy it! And yes that is pretty much where my mind was with the character Brad, he was very much based on a stereotype and then I thought, well lets kick it up a notch and have someone stand up to the jock. I mean so many assume that doing that would trigger a very bad reaction but then it could just as much be a possibility that bullies end up respecting people for standing up to them, in fact sometimes that could be their entire motivation and it's also possible they are not all straight either, some could even possibly be bisexual which makes this kind of situation very easy to happen. The only thing I regretted about this was the first time jump rather than exploring it more, like the way they progressed. They meet and have an encounter and then the time jump was thrown in and you get the result of how they were with each other just not so much the step by step progression but the result was interesting and I think entirely believable especially given the type of characters each of them were, I just think that the progression from where they started before the time jump to how they became after the time jump should have been explored. The early chapters are a reflection of my very early writing abilities from 2011 and then the story was picked back up in 2013 where the chapters became bigger and more things were fit in which I think turned out good, it had been my decision to flesh the chapters out a bit and there was definitely some growth in my writing in 2013 compared to 2011 and I really love how it all turned out, trust me it gets much better!
  15. x Trevor x

    Chapter 1: Misguided Lust

    Thank you for the compliments and I agree but the thing to remember is that every author has one thing in common, they are all new at some point. Not every story is perfect but when you see a lot of stories that don't seem so great, if anything else appreciate the effort because one day those same authors might put out something really great. It's like a game, we are all at different levels but we are all gaining experience points. I was really glad to have been able to make this story happen and so many good things came from it and the story, the readers, their advice, everything that came out of this gave me something valuable to keep close to me.
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