Thursday - I saw Brandon eating lunch by himself today.
I don't know why I noticed, or why it looked...I don't know...like he was upset or something. But it did.
Maybe I'm just so used to seeing Brand and Stevie all snuggly and sweet on one another that actually catching Brandon doing something by himself for a change is...you know...abnormal. It's like he had a Siamese twin removed from his hip or something.
You know, it's really strange how you can be so close to somebody...and then one day you look at them from a cross the room as though you don't recognize them at all. As though your whole shared experience with that person was all just a dream. I can't believe that it's been this long. I can't believe that he's still gone. Completely sheltered from my love to the point where it's ridiculous to even try anymore. And yet...I look across the cafeteria...and there he is. Still the 'prettiest' boy in school. Still quiet. Still with that amazing 'curve' of a butt where his butt meets the chair. I've spent so much of my high school time staring at him this way that I could practically draw him for memory. It's stupid, but....my heart really reached out to him today.
If I wasn't scared of getting my emotions thrown into a meat grinder all over again...I probably would have tried to go over and talk to him. Just to...I don't know...just to be close enough to hear his voice again. It's CRAZY how badly I want to hear his voice sometimes.
Anyway...that aside, today wasn't one of the best. Not the WORST...but certainly light years away from being the best.
Bobby....um...he's done with me.
I feel REALLY bad about it, and I regret every move I've made since the first time I got mashed up against his butt in the gym locker room for the first time. Bobby and I have been through such a rough and rugged time. Up and down. Up and down. But after having to half 'chase' him down and force him to talk to me after school...he kinda told me to cut the bullshit. I mean, we really had to draw a line and define exactly what we were to each other, so that there were no further mix-ups or mistakes. No more heartbreak. He was hurt...but he really insisted that this vague hint of a relationship stopped today, once and for all.
We walked together for a while, but as we got into a conversation about what he saw yesterday...he stopped talking and said that we needed to just go somewhere private and discuss this. I'll admit...the very idea scared me at first. But he pretty much demanded it. So I followed him to the alley behind a nearby shopping center, and he stopped walking to finally face me.
He just came right out with it. He was like, "I can't do this anymore. Ok? Honestly. This is too much."
I tried to explain, like, "Bobby, listen...it's not what you think it is."
But he caught me. He said, "Don't LIE to me, Billy? Ok? Please don't lie to me right now! If you owe me anything...it's the truth." Then he was like, "You and that other boy...you're together, aren't you? He's your boyfriend now?" I paused for a second. Just a second. And Bobby looked like he was about to CRY. "I knew it. There's a certain way that you look at somebody and smile when you like them. I know, because for a very brief moment of time...you used to look at me like that. And it hurts when it's gone. I know, because I really miss it. You have no idea."
I told him, I was like, "Bobby...God, I'm sooooo sorry, ok? I was trying so hard not to hurt you. I NEVER wanted to hurt you. I think you're AMAZING, and any boy would be LUCKY to be your boyfriend..."
And he's like, "Yeah. Any boy other than you. Right?"
He wiped his eyes and leaned back against the bricks of the building...trying not to sniffle as his heart broke itself down more and more by the second. I didn't know what to say. Bobby was sooo sweet and so cool, but I wasn't in love with him. Why couldn't he understand that? Why couldn't he just...fall out of love with me and just...enjoy what we have as friends for a while? I LIKE Bobby...but I can't give him what he wants from me. I just...I can't. And it SUCKS, because I wanted nothing more than to make him feel loved at that moment. I just....I won't do it with lies and false hope. Not anymore. And I think he knew that.
All I could do was keep saying, "Bobby...I'm sorry."
But he just said, "I don't WANT you to be 'sorry', Billy. I want you to be HONEST with me." And then he said, "Look me in the eye, right here, right now." And with a bit of a whimper, and a stray tear rolling down his cheek, he asked me, "Do I ever have a chance to be your boyfriend? Like...ever?" I actually DID think about it. I thought about us laughing, I thought about us having all that INCREDIBLE sex, and the deliciously sweet act of pushing my rock hard erection into that undefinably tight, exquisitely round, pale white bubbled ass of his until I came hard enough to knock me unconscious from the overwhelming pleasure of it all...but when I paused for too long, Bobby said something that I couldn't really answer right away. He was like, "PLEASE...don't be nice to me, or say something to make me feel better. Just TELL me. Give me the truth. Because I don't want to waste any more time wishing and waiting or this dream to come true. Just tell me. Please? Tell me I'm your first choice. Tell me you love me as much as I love you. Or....tell me to fuck off. But don't drag me down this painful road any longer, ok? Because that's just an act of total cruelty...and I just can't take it anymore."
What was I gonna DO? I mean he was crying and he was staring at me and he just...he wouldn't give me enough space to see if I could make it, like...'hurt' less. You know? So..after struggling and stuttering and truly feeling 'on the spot' and out of options...I told him the God's honest truth. I said, "Bobby...there is SO much to love about you. And don't think that I didn't notice it, because I did. I mean...we had some really good times together, and I'm gonna cherish that for the rest of my life."
And he said, "But....?"
And with a sigh, I was like, "But...I'm not sure if...I mean, I don't think we really..." Bobby was already rolling his eyes and crying again. But just from the look on his face, I could tell that he was finally coming to terms with the idea, and maybe even accepting it. As hard as that was for him...he made an attempt to not be angry about it. I was like, "Bobby...God, I'm sorry. Ok?"
It hurt me soooo much to bring that kind of pain into his life...but at the same time...there was this HUGE sigh of relief inside from just...geting those giant cinder blocks off of my chest. At long LONG last...it finally felt like this twisted part of my life was actually over and done with.
Not that it did much for Bobby.
He cried a little bit, and he turned his back on me to lea his forehead softly against the bricks as he tried to suffer the impact of what he was being told. But then...he stood up straight, wiped his eyes again...and he said, "Ok. I get it. You've got somebody new. And I just have to accept that." Then he was like, "Billy...I love you. I mean...I really REALLY love you. But I'm not going to make your life uncomfortable by hanging around and thinking that you have to be...sweet when you really have feelings for someone else."
I was like, "Bobby, C'mon! You know it wasn't like that..."
But he says, "Yes, it was. You may not have wanted to put it like that...and you're AWESOME for that, seriously. But...you need to follow your heart. And not be ashamed of it. I'll survive. Really. I can be mature about this whole thing. I mean...we're 15 years old. It's not like I'll never fall in love again. I just...I want you to get everything that you want in a boyfriend, Billy. I just...I wish it was me. I wish I was what you wanted. But...life doesn't always work out like that, does it?" I actually started to tear up myself. And I think I was making his feelings worse, because he suddenly wanted to leave. He said, "I've gotta go. But...Billy...thank you. Ok? Thank you for being beautiful. Thank you for being soooo nice to me. Thank you for the hottest sex that I could EVER hope to have! Hehehe! And, most of all...thanks for letting me go. As much as I want you all to myself...there was nothing more miserable than constantly thinking that I just wasn't good enough for you. That I was 'lacking' somehow. You're the best. Whether you love me or not. Ok?"
And after that...he gave me a HUG! Like...a serious 'goodbye' hug. And...I don't think that I've ever felt so...disturbed over the whole thing as I did at that moment. It really hurt. It made me wonder if I really did have strong feelings for Bobby after all. Saying goodbye to his love should NOT be this difficult if it was just sex and kisses. I think I miss him already.
Shit...I've gotta go. MAJOR homework overload tonight. I got a quick email from Sam telling me he'd talk to me soon. I HOPE he's ok. I also got a quick one from Lee that was sooooo sweet! GOD he's sexy!!! He still wants to hang out tomorrow night, so...I'll definitely go over. I just...I feel really guilty about what I did to Bobby Jinette. I wish I could make it up to him somehow. Something to mediate on for later, I suppose.
Take care (Billy says to an inanimate object!), and I'll write more tomorrow.