- So....I did it. I talked to Brandon today. Not, like... in an email or something as 'distant' as all that. But face to face. In school, right before lunch. You know, just hearing his voice made me feel so good inside. You would have thought that it had been decades since we last talked.
It's been so long since Brandon and I have really been civil to one another, that I kinda found myself being nervous about just approaching him in the hall. Kind of a 'worried' kinda nervous... but also an 'exciting' kinda nervous too. It just reminded me of those days when I used to see him sitting all by himself in the library. Looking so out of reach. So 'pretty'. That's just how I described him back then, pretty. And he's only gotten prettier every day since. I didn't even realize how madly in love with him I was at the time. I was just... admiring true beauty where I saw it, you know? He was such an amazing person to me. How did I ever manage to forget how sweet and amazing he was? Even for a second.
Anyway, the thing about today is... now that I've talked to him, I'm feeling all conflicted again. I'm starting to wonder if me even thinking about him these days is going to end up as a 'bad' thing for both of us. It always either ends up hurting me, hurting him, or hurting someone else. Hmmm... let me think... how can I explain?
See, he was at his locker looking for something for his next class. He's never hard to find because he doesn't stray too far from his usual routine. So I'm there, and I see him alone, and I'm literally shaking at the idea of just going over there and saying hello. But I do it anyway. Sheer terror and all. I didn't know when I'd get another opportunity to see him without Stevie hanging around.
So, I'm like, "Hey....." It was almost too soft and quiet for him to hear me, but he turned around and saw me standing there anyway. I don't know if he was happy to see me... or unhappy to see me... or maybe just...'surprised'. It was hard to read his expression at first.
But being the polite boy that he always was, he straightened up and kinda smiled at me like, "Hey, Billy..." And went back to rummaging through his locker for his books.
I didn't know what to say for the first few seconds, but I cleared my throat and I said, "I um...I got your email. This weekend, I mean." God, I hope that didn't sound as corny as it looks written down.
He blushed a little, and said, "Yeah...I know. I got yours too." He looked down at his feet, then back up at me and told me, "I meant it, you know? Every word."
It was such a relief to hear. It was like... my whole body relaxed the second that I heard it. It's been over a month since my birthday party, and I've been holding on to that backbreaking tension every day since. It was orgasmic to finally be able to breathe easy again. Knowing that he didn't just HATE and DESPISE me as much as I thought he did. He didn't come right out and say it like that, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. And before this past weekend, his actions all said the same thing. 'Stay the hell away from me.... forever'.
I told him, "I do too." Then I thought about it and said, "I mean... my email back to you. I meant it too."
He smiled, and then his blush got worse. He was like, "Hehehe...'I do too'..."
It took me a second to think about it and figure out what was funny about that. Then it hit me... those are the EXACT same words that he used the first time he ever told me he loved me. Omigod...'I do too'! I remember it like it was yesterday! I swear, I did NOT plan on that! I just sorta came out of my mouth that way. Hehehe, it's was almost like..a 'sign' or something, you know? I dunno, maybe that's stupid. But at that giddy moment, that's what it felt like. It caused me to turn red, and I started giggling a bit myself. I was like, "You know what I mean.... um... yeah..." He grinned a bit too. For a moment, it was almost like old times.
He sighed, and said, "I don't want to fight anymore, Billy. I just...I felt bad. It's just not something that I want to hold on to any longer. It sucks to feel this way all the time."
I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that. But I said, "Trust me, I know." Then I added, "I really do miss you, Brandon. I mean just... us talking and hanging out and stuff. I miss the 'other' stuff too, but more than anything else...I felt like I lost a really good friend. And that was killing me inside."
He paused. Already, I could feel him smothering his own feelings again. I could see the restraint in his facial expression. Sighhhh.... why won't he just tell me? I don't know. Maybe I'm crossing the line again. Maybe I want too much too fast or something. Who's to say?
Brandon's like, "I kinda felt like that too, but..."
I was like, "But what?"
He says, "I just don't know if I was in the best position to make any more bad judgements. It's hard to be sure when my emotions get all involved."
It was something that hurt a lot more than I expected it to. It kind of blindsided my heart out of nowhere, and my eyes were instantly redirected to the floor. I said, "Is that what I was? A.... bad judgement?"
Brandon was like, "I don't mean it like that. I just... well... you know what I'm saying, right?" Unfortunately, I did. He was saying that being involved with a cheating, lying, asshole of a human being like me is something that requires a lot more thought on his part. God forbid if 'mean ol Billy' were to dupe the poor sucker into caring about me ever again.
I think I could actually feel the joy of the moment being drained right out of me. I didn't want to really look hurt, but I don't think I could help it. I just said, "Oh. I see."
Brandon was like, "Billy..."
And I'm like, "No. It's cool. I get it." Then I said, "Listen, I'm starved. So I'm gonna run and get lunch. I'll see you later."
Well, things got a bit worse after that. Because I tried to walk past him and he tried to stop me so he could explain himself. He sorta touched my arm to turn me around, and he was kinda... holding it. Not in a weird way, just above the elbow so he could look me in the eye and talk to me. And that's when Stevie came walking around the corner.
I don't know how bad it looked to Stevie, but the sight of Brandon and I together with him holding onto my arm must have seriously pissed him off. He stopped dead in his tracks, and stared even sharper daggers at Brandon than he did at me. He threw up his hands and said, "Are you fucking kidding me? I mean...really?"
Brandon said, "Wait. Dude, it's not what it looks like. We're just talking."
He's like, "You know what? Fine. Talk. I don't give a shit anymore. I'm so sick of this." Stevie turned around and stormed off in the other direction, and Brandon rushed to lock up his locker to run off after him.
I barely got a chance to say, "I'm sorry....I didn't mean to..."
But he stopped me like, "No. It wasn't your fault. Look, I'll talk to you later, ok?" And Brandon kinda... went after his 'sweetheart'. Somehow...I just manage to screw up everything I touch when it comes to him. I don't think that I was cut out for this relationship shit. The second you build one castle wall, the other three collapse in on you. It just plain sucks.
Speaking of wrecked couples and hurt feelings...
I saw Joanna shortly after school, and she was kissing Jamie Cross goodbye for the day, I guess. I remember having a moment where I was wondering if she gave Jamie blowjobs. That really went back and forth in my mind for a few minutes. I have to admit feeling a bit jealous of the fact that she was even in a position in Jamie's life to be able to give him blowjobs. I'm betting she doesn't appreciate it HALF as much as I would. I'll bet he tastes just like a warm vanilla creamcicle. I wonder how he moans when she does it. I bet he cums a lot too. Lee cums a lot. Wow, that would be so hot. Plus Jamie just seems like the hug and cuddle type. You know... that would hold you all close and snuggle and grin with you for an hour after... um...
Sorry. Losing my train of thought.
Anyway, after he left, Joanna and I made eye contact from across the lawn... and I could tell that she really wished she hadn't run into me. I'm sure my eyes were telling her the same story. Unfortunately, once we saw each other, the awful obligation to speak and not make things look weird was too obvious for either one of us to ignore. So she came over and said hi. Which led to some very insignificant small talk about little of nothing. School and tests and a few half-hearted giggles. It could only last for so long. We both knew what the other one was really thinking about. And finally, I just came out and said, "He seriously misses you. You know that, right? He's falling apart without you."
Her face changed. She was like, "Do we really have to talk about him right now? I just want...I want him to just be a part of my past and be done with it. Ok? I know that sounds harsh, but it's how I feel."
Sounds harsh? If Sam were to hear her say that with his own ears, he'd toss himself off of the highest roof he could find. OUCH! I said, "WHY? Joanna...I know that you guys had some issues, and that sucks. I understand totally. But, I mean... come on. Can't you just talk to him about what went wrong?"
She says, "He knows what went wrong. I tried to just forget about it and go back to being normal, but I can't. I won't." She sighed to herself, and was like, "I'm sorry, Billy. I know that he's your best friend and all. Sam is... he's one of the sweetest guys in the world. It's not like I don't care about him, because I do. I'm hurt that things didn't work out between us too. But...I've found somebody else who makes me happy now."
I asked her, "Why? You didn't even give him a chance..."
But she told me, "I did, Billy. Honestly. I hung in there longer than most people would in that situation. But... eventually... enough was enough. I gave up."
I was actually frustrated to hear her say that. Even though she was being so... logical and even 'nice' about it. I said, "You know something? Sam never would have just 'given up' on you. I mean, Sam and I fight off and on all the time. But we get over it, we say sorry, and we go back to being best friends again, because that's what best friends do."
She's like, "Sam wasn't my 'best friend', Billy. He was my boyfriend. And the second he saw trouble... he bailed on me. Do you understand that? He completely abandoned me and he didn't look back. Not for a second."
I said, "I don't believe he'd do that. Not even for a second. He's not that heartless."
She's all like, "Believe what you want. But it's the truth. He went out of his way to duck and dodge me. At one point he wouldn't even answer his phone. For him, it was easy to just walk away. And that really hurt. It hurt more than anything else I've ever felt in my life before. It was like my very existence didn't mean anything to him at all. And that's not something that I can put my faith in. It just isn't." I rolled my eyes and looked away from her, but she said, "Billy...I know that Sam probably thinks that I'm being mean and unreasonable, but I'm not. I loved Sam. I didn't just dump him for no reason. And I'm not 'cheating' on him either. The fact of the matter is, he was supposed to love me and stand by me and treat me like I was an important part of his life, through both the good times and the bad. He just decided that he couldn't do that anymore. Not if meant extra effort on his part. Whatever it was that helped him make that decision...that's what keeps me at a distance. That's what made things go sour between us in the first place."
I asked, "So you're just gonna hate him from now on and that's it?"
She said, "I don't hate Sam. I could never hate Sam. I care about him with all my heart. But the truth is... he dropped the ball, Billy. While Sam was running away from me and hiding from my feelings... Jamie stepped in and picked up his slack. That's all there is to it. Jamie is... who Sam used to be. And I felt really bad about it at first... but now Jamie does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and wanted every single day. I guess Jamie just made me realize how much I missed that when Sam was holding my hand in the mall on Saturday mornings." I couldn't believe she was being so calm about this whole thing. It was breaking MY heart, for crying out loud. She even had the nerve to apologize like, "Please, don't think that I'm doing this to hurt him intentionally. I'm not. But I have to move on to someone who's... just a little bit closer to what I need in a boyfriend. And Jamie's that guy for me. I'll take a smile and a kiss and a caress of my cheek over lonely tears and anguish any day. I'm just not cut out for the mind games anymore." Then she's like, "You are just loathing me right now, aren't you?"
She like...smiled. I didn't want to SMILE at her. I wanted to choke the living shit out of her, and handcuff her and Sam together in a locked vault at the bank until they stopped acting like a bunch of children and worked everything out. But for some reason, I smiled back at her anyway. I couldn't tell you why. Must be a sympathy thing. Couldn't find it in my heart to turn my back on her and walk away angry. Somehow, that would have been 'too rude' or whatever.
Plus... she wasn't being all angry and bratty about it. She just seemed like... she wasn't interested. It was weird.
She was like, "The next time you talk to Sam... and the timing seems appropriate... just tell him that I'll always hold a place for him in my heart. He earned it, fair and square." She walked away from me after that... and I was completely lost for words. Actually, now that I think about it, I wish I had asked if she gives Jamie Cross blowjobs. She knows I'm gay already, so what could it hurt, right?
No... that would not have been a good idea at all. What the heck am I thinking.
Oh GOD...I hope she doesn't tell Jamie Cross that I'm gay! Ugh! That would be sooooo humiliating!
So yeah... Me and Brandon are all screwed up, Brandon and Stevie are all screwed up, and it looks like the chances of Joanna ever coming back to Sam are slim to none. Something that I KNOW is gonna crush Sam once he figures that out for sure. Come to think of it, Jimmy and AJ are pretty much over too. Jimmy and Lee didn't work out. Me and Lee are... well...I guess we're fine for now. Something about it just doesn't feel the same. You know, I don't think relationships work. I don't even think they're supposed to work. My parents couldn't even stay together, what are a bunch of high school freshmen gonna do?
I should just stick with finding somebody pretty and screwing his brains out as often as he'll let me. It's so much simpler. Drama sucks.
Gotta run. I'm gonna need a new journal soon. This is almost all filled up. I think I've got about a week's worth of space left. I can't believe I've written this much. Now I'm kind of addicted to it. Don't know what I'd do without this book. Sighhh... we've been through so much together at this point. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll look back at all of these random thoughts and laugh my ass off at how dumb I was.
Too bad I can't speed things up and start laughing now.