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RIP - Comicality
    Aditus
  • Aditus
  • Author
  • 09/05/2015
  • 126 Words
  • 971 Views
  • 4 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Aditus' prompts and circumstances - 23. Poetry Prompt 13 - Ghazal: Freedom

Write one Ghazal in your native language based on the well-known love scene from the Holocaust movie Bent.

Freiheit

So weit weg auf der anderen Seite,
ist es doch nur die Haaresbreite

Deiner Worte. Du sprichst sie zu mir nur.
Sie sind Stufen, die ich dann beschreite.

Einen Ort dich zu finden, zu küssen,
der Gedanke ist was mich befreite.

 

Freedom

So far away on the other side,
still it is not so very wide

because of your words. You speak them only to me .
And they become the steps I bestride .

A place to find you, to kiss you,
the thought is what me guide.

 

This is not a word-for-word translation, but a slightly adapted version. If you're interested in the word-for-word piece, PM me. And yes, line two has only nine syllables. I call it poetic license. tongue.png

This is actually my second Ghazal. I forgot I had to write in my native language.  :*)  Now I think it's an evolution from my first, which you can find in the second chapter.
©Copyright 2013 Aditus; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

AC Benus

...gosh, Adi...seeing the title in German gave me chills, as the victims would be forced to see the sign Arbeit macht frei as they entered the camps.

 

You've recaptured that word and all the glory it stands in the real truth, and shown us our boys from Bent are able to be free despite their captors thinking they are defeated.

 

Two great poems. Thank you again for taking the poetry prompt challenge!

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Aditus
On 09/06/2015 05:56 AM, AC Benus said:

...gosh, Adi...seeing the title in German gave me chills, as the victims would be forced to see the sign Arbeit macht frei as they entered the camps.

 

You've recaptured that word and all the glory it stands in the real truth, and shown us our boys from Bent are able to be free despite their captors thinking they are defeated.

 

Two great poems. Thank you again for taking the poetry prompt challenge!

Yes, it was the first title which came up my mind, but then, because of the sign, I almost discarded it. Then I thought of a song, my dad taught me long ago, so that I won't blurt out everything I thought. It fits perfectly. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Gedanken_sind_frei

Thank you, AC.

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J.HunterDunn

What a beautiful poem Adi. And I'm so glad I understand the German version as well. It exactly captures the feeling, that the movie-clip in the prompt conveys.

 

As you obviously wanted to stay on the rhyme-scheme in English, most non-German speakers will probably not get, that the last line in the German version means "the thought is what set me free" or "the thought is what freed me", thus linking it to the clip and the title of your poem, and (as I learned from your reaction on the earlier review of this poem) to the text of the ancient German song your father taught you. Many layers: I love it.

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Aditus
On 09/07/2015 02:50 AM, J.HunterDunn said:

What a beautiful poem Adi. And I'm so glad I understand the German version as well. It exactly captures the feeling, that the movie-clip in the prompt conveys.

 

As you obviously wanted to stay on the rhyme-scheme in English, most non-German speakers will probably not get, that the last line in the German version means "the thought is what set me free" or "the thought is what freed me", thus linking it to the clip and the title of your poem, and (as I learned from your reaction on the earlier review of this poem) to the text of the ancient German song your father taught you. Many layers: I love it.

Thank you for this comment, Peter. You're absolutely right, the last line means: the thought is what set me free. I'm not entirely happy with the line I wrote in English, so it would fit the rhyme scheme. I might change it eventually.

All the better you understood the German version and I'm very glad you like it. It was much harder to write than the English Ghazal 'Smile'.

I guess it's always better to understand the original version, alas, there are too many languages for that. But I understood some of the Dutch, as I should, because you are our neighbors. :)

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