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So Weeps the Willow - 5. Sobriety - Day 4

Counter - 6

Poor Jake just isn't getting any visits, or is he?

Day 4

 

I slept fitfully again this past night, after going over to Nats and barely passing by the bar. (Okay, I’m picking up where I left off last night, so sue me! Ha! Since no one is reading this, the counter has only moved one hit more, so -- blows a raspberry). I tossed and turned, finally falling asleep early this morning about five o’clock or so. Now I’m awake at eleven, which means I only got six hours of sleep and my head hurts and my legs ache.

I thought when I quit drinking I’d feel better. So far, I just feel worse. My brain is arguing I should give in and have a couple of cocktails before work. I will confess the thought isn’t completely alien to me. I have, on occasion, had a couple of drinks before work. Something stopped me though.

I got a call from my mom. She is actually the one who woke me up. Usually, it’s late afternoon following her nap when she calls. This morning was different, well not really. She was slurring her words. There was a boozy quality to her intonation. My mother likes her cocktails too. I guess I inherited that from her.

Mom called to ask for money. She’s short on her rent. I told her last time I was tapped out. I wasn’t paying for her visits to the Indian casinos any longer. We argued. Then, as usual, I relented. I can’t say no to the woman who gave me birth and is crying to me on the phone. I don’t have a lot extra, but her studio apartment’s rent is only about $450, so I can spare that. I told her I’d write the landlord a check.

I’m not giving her the money. I may be a drunken loser, but I’m not completely stupid.

Enough of that. Like I said, I’m feeling really sore today. Sure, my legs but also my back and shoulders as well. I have been hitting the gym pretty heavy. I hate making excuses though. I read a little more about the detox process before I went to sleep. There are such horrible changes while drying out. I’m really experiencing each and every one of them. I’m dehydrated all the time, sore, achy, my head hurts, I can’t sleep. I feel such anxiety and this sense of dread. It’s awful.

I’m worried. What if I wake up tomorrow with the delirium tremens and my heart fails? I should see a doctor. I really should. This is so hard to do alone. Maybe I should try going to a meeting.

My mom tried AA and she said it was for weirdos and Bible bangers. I don’t want any head trips or brainwashing, but then, Mom never got sober. She may not be the best source of advice.

I don’t think groups are for me either, to be honest. Maybe after work tonight, Nats and I can talk. I feel if I can get stuff out of me; I’ll feel better. Talking to her the other night made all the difference. She told me things, personal things, and I admitted to some pretty fucked up things. I guess Nats gets me, at least I think so, almost as much as Eddie did. Eddies does get me. They are both important, but right now I need her more.

Writing this down has helped. My heart isn’t pounding quite so hard. My pulse isn’t racing now. I’m breathing more calmly. I’m not done with today’s writing. I’ll come back to you, lone reader. I need to eat breakfast, go to the gym, and maybe see if there’s a meeting around here somewhere. It’s worth a try.

***

I chickened out. I found a meeting listed on the local AA chapter website at a place around the corner at 2 pm. I went to the church, even walked through the front door into the hall, looked at the sign pointing down into the basement announcing the meeting, and turned around and left.

I stood outside the building and watched as people came and entered the building. They looked normal. I’m not sure what I expected given my mother’s description and the impression I generally have of alcoholics. I guess I was surprised none of them were carrying Bibles or dealing with broken limbs from car accidents. When I think of alcoholics, I think of drunk driving. I see homeless people. I envision sadness, depression, and furtiveness.

Mom told me they are filled with righteous indignation. She found the meetings didn’t help. Yeah, then I remember her slurred message, and it makes me scared.

I guess I think of myself skulking around a meeting like I’m a spy and the CIA is out to get me. I feel depressed, hurt, and overall anxiety, which, given what I read last night seems about right. I should be feeling a sense of loss, though I don’t, not really.

That’s when I saw the guy walk in. I almost followed him in, and then stopped because I knew him, or someone like him. Let’s say, because he looked just like someone I know. As the song says, ‘now somebody that I used to know’. Maybe, it had been him. Maybe, I’d have gone to the meeting, and we talked and it would have been okay. Perhaps knowing he was as wounded as I am would have made the difference.

Where did that come from? There are times I’m reading back my words, and my confessions are a little crazed, except for one thing. I do believe at times going over things is helpful. Maybe it lets me process the stress, find balanced chemical reactions in my brain. I know this is why talk therapy works. If I find the right mix of epinephrine and norepinephrine, it’s calming. I feel better. That’s the key to mental help, at least according to the latest medical science and psychological studies.

Fuck. This is sounding especially insane.

I’m glad no one is reading this now because I’m kind of freaked out. Writing about my fears about addiction felt right and yet, I don’t know why I wrote it, or why I’m so scared. Some people tell me that I‘m just like my mother. Maybe that’s what freaks me out. But, I’m not. Christ, that’s ridiculous. How could I be like her?

Oh God, I’m like one of those tormented types, only I’m not artistic. I’m just me. I like…what do I like? I guess I like figuring things out. Sometimes I play a game at work. I tried to get Nats or Carlos to play it with me. They think I’m a psycho, which I may be. Here’s the game.

I see a person, or a group of people, and I start to make up a story about why they are behaving the way they are. Not their life story or anything crazy like that. I just try to figure out from their behavior what is going on with them. It’s just a game, and I’m right more than not.

I usually chat with them and people like to tell their stories. One couple was out for their anniversary, which I figured out because they were trying so hard. Another couple was obviously having an affair because both of them hid their wedding rings when I approached. Later that month, I saw the guy with another woman and two kids who were obviously his. I’m good at figuring these things out.

So why don’t I do more of it?

Maybe I will.

I have to talk to someone. I’m going insane. I really am.

What do you think of Jake's mom?  Is he a drunk because he inherited it from her?  Or is he a drunk because her example led him to resolve his emotional issues with booze and drugs?   Or is it something else entirely?
 
 
 
 
Copyright © 2017 Cole Matthews; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

AC Benus

Is alcoholism hereditary...? I would think so. I know my grandfather died of it at around 40, and my dad would have gone the same route if his stomach had not been so sensitive. Growing up with that as a known background, I approached liquor with caution as a teen and young man. But I can say I've always been one of those who can take it or leave it without much concern. I've never felt I needed it, in other words. 

 

I'm intrigued by this 'somebody I used to know' guy. I'm also a bit sad he's writing checks for his mom. 

 

Fascinating installment. Keep up the good work. 

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Headstall

Sometimes, a person close to you who drinks or acts out, sends you the other way. Sometimes, those same persons can be a great excuse for our failings. I don't believe we 'inherit' so much as have tendencies passed down through our genes. Susceptibility, I suppose, and when combined with the right(wrong)environment,  they can push us in that direction. Let's hope Jake will use his mother's lost battle as impetus to stay on the right track. So, yeah, who was that guy? Is he insignificant, or was he someone Jake really did know?  I feel unsettled... I imagine that was your intention, Cole. What he's going through tastes unpleasant on the screen... cheers... Gary....

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Former Member

I think you not only inherit a susceptibility, but also attitudes towards alcohol and other drugs. I grew up in a home where no one drank. The only alcohol in the house was for cooking. Needless to say, the only drugs in the house were a very limited number of over the counter medications (aspirin/acetaminophen, cough syrup/drops, antihistamine, etc) and the very occasional prescription.

 

When you don’t grow up seeing mom and dad having a cocktail or beer, it doesn’t become something that seems normal or natural. When mom’s not popping valium, you don’t get accustomed to just taking a pill to feel better. It just wasn’t something that happened in my home – and doesn’t happen in my apartment now!

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Former Member
3 hours ago, AC Benus said:

I'm also a bit sad he's writing checks for his mom.

That’s enabling behavior. Sometimes Tough Love is the only way for someone to change. I know it forced me to confront my problems…

 

 

Note: I should point out that my problem was with debt and was not a chemical issue. My seven years has almost certainly passed. That will wipe my record clean.

Edited by droughtquake
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Defiance19

Hmm, I think he is a drunk because he is predisposed to alcoholism and he has followed her pattern of problem solving. If alchohol wasn’t an easy get for him I’m betting he would still have some form of addiction, drug or otherwise. 

There is that co-dependency going on too, between mother and son. I wonder as Jake gets more clarity, if he will be able to separate from his mother to save himself.

It’s like Nat’s pot. Get clean, or take care of his dark exterior and let the light inside shine. (Totally how i interpreted it)  

 

 

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Puppilull

I definitely think addictive behaviour is hereditary. I know I have it from my father and his parents. Since he died when I was so young and we hardly met his parents, it's not something I learned. On occasion, I drink too much. Not enough to need therapy, but enough to slap myself so I get my act together. 

 

Not sure if this is the same for Jake. His mother isn't leading by example. So it's perhaps twice as hard to avoid.

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Cole Matthews
On 9/26/2017 at 9:17 PM, AC Benus said:

Is alcoholism hereditary...? I would think so. I know my grandfather died of it at around 40, and my dad would have gone the same route if his stomach had not been so sensitive. Growing up with that as a known background, I approached liquor with caution as a teen and young man. But I can say I've always been one of those who can take it or leave it without much concern. I've never felt I needed it, in other words. 

 

I'm intrigued by this 'somebody I used to know' guy. I'm also a bit sad he's writing checks for his mom. 

 

Fascinating installment. Keep up the good work. 

 

I think there is a tendency or possible issue of addiction, which may be inherited.  However, as you have suggested, we can learn to respect it, or perhaps follow in the footsteps.  It's an interesting question and it really affects those afflicted.  It's also a theme in literature that interests me.  Nature v. Nurture is a struggle that I believe speaks to the human experience. 

 

Thanks for the response and the probing inquiries.  I will let the other comments stew for a while, letting the herbs and spices do their work.

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Cole Matthews
On 9/26/2017 at 9:32 PM, Headstall said:

Sometimes, a person close to you who drinks or acts out, sends you the other way. Sometimes, those same persons can be a great excuse for our failings. I don't believe we 'inherit' so much as have tendencies passed down through our genes. Susceptibility, I suppose, and when combined with the right(wrong)environment,  they can push us in that direction. Let's hope Jake will use his mother's lost battle as impetus to stay on the right track. So, yeah, who was that guy? Is he insignificant, or was he someone Jake really did know?  I feel unsettled... I imagine that was your intention, Cole. What he's going through tastes unpleasant on the screen... cheers... Gary....

 

I agree with you about the tendencies passed through our genes.  I also think Jake's mother is already influenced him.  He did try going to a meeting.  

 

Jake's life is full of changes now that he's decided to clean up his act.  We will see more people coming up and their reactions to his changes matter.  

 

Thanks for such insightful comments.  You make me dance on the head of a pin.  ;)

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Cole Matthews
On 9/27/2017 at 12:48 AM, droughtquake said:

I think you not only inherit a susceptibility, but also attitudes towards alcohol and other drugs. I grew up in a home where no one drank. The only alcohol in the house was for cooking. Needless to say, the only drugs in the house were a very limited number of over the counter medications (aspirin/acetaminophen, cough syrup/drops, antihistamine, etc) and the very occasional prescription.

 

When you don’t grow up seeing mom and dad having a cocktail or beer, it doesn’t become something that seems normal or natural. When mom’s not popping valium, you don’t get accustomed to just taking a pill to feel better. It just wasn’t something that happened in my home – and doesn’t happen in my apartment now!

 

On 9/27/2017 at 12:50 AM, droughtquake said:

That’s enabling behavior. Sometimes Tough Love is the only way for someone to change. I know it forced me to confront my problems…

 

 

Note: I should point out that my problem was with debt and was not a chemical issue. My seven years has almost certainly passed. That will wipe my record clean.

 

Addiction issues run quite deep usually.  I think there is a nurture aspect which is influential.  There is probably a genetic tendency as well.  Teens react against their parents' rules.  Young people experiment, even if it may be dangerous, hell sometimes that why they do it.  I think Jake has tried to help his mother.  He doesn't see it as enabling, at least, he didn't in the past.  Things change though.  

 

Great comments and observations.  Thanks!

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Cole Matthews
On 9/27/2017 at 5:59 AM, Starro said:

 Poor Jake. Good luck!

 

Jake is taking charge, and sometimes that's a bit scary or disconcerting.  Thanks!  :)

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Cole Matthews
On 9/29/2017 at 6:23 PM, Defiance19 said:

Hmm, I think he is a drunk because he is predisposed to alcoholism and he has followed her pattern of problem solving. If alchohol wasn’t an easy get for him I’m betting he would still have some form of addiction, drug or otherwise. 

There is that co-dependency going on too, between mother and son. I wonder as Jake gets more clarity, if he will be able to separate from his mother to save himself.

It’s like Nat’s pot. Get clean, or take care of his dark exterior and let the light inside shine. (Totally how i interpreted it)  

 

 

 

I love your interpretation of the pot!!!  I agree Jake has made some very poor decisions in the past.  Alcohol is definitely one of the problems, but as you say, his problem solving hasn't been very good.  Sobriety is the name of this section, and it reflects the changes such a state of mind brings.  

 

Thanks for some awesome comments.  :)

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Cole Matthews
On 10/1/2017 at 11:03 AM, Puppilull said:

I definitely think addictive behaviour is hereditary. I know I have it from my father and his parents. Since he died when I was so young and we hardly met his parents, it's not something I learned. On occasion, I drink too much. Not enough to need therapy, but enough to slap myself so I get my act together. 

 

Not sure if this is the same for Jake. His mother isn't leading by example. So it's perhaps twice as hard to avoid.

 

Jake's mother is a negative example, and for some people it can be influential.  However, I wouldn't say any of them are 'bad'.  Perhaps selfish, lazy, or even lacking good judgment, but Jake isn't exactly the poster child for good choices in life.  He's a pretty good guy overall, and I hope he comes across as trying to fix things with his life.  

 

I appreciate the lovely comments!  Thanks.  :)

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Former Member
38 minutes ago, Cole Matthews said:

You make me dance on the head of a pin.  ;)

How many Coles can dance on the head of a pin?  ;-)

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Cole Matthews
On 10/3/2017 at 11:25 PM, droughtquake said:

How many Coles can dance on the head of a pin?  ;-)

 

Yeah, not many, that's for sure!!! 

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Former Member
35 minutes ago, Cole Matthews said:

 

Yeah, not many, that's for sure!!! 

There was a theological debate/fight over a very similar issue in the middle ages…  ;-)

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