- There's something about the word 'sorry' that carries a billion different connotations with it. Some apologies relieve stress, some solve serious problems, some are outright lies just meant to buy some time, and some are just words wasted on someone who simply doesn't care anymore. But today...the 'sorry' in the situation I was involved in really had a much deeper meaning than the usual 'spilled milk' response. And I took a lot of comfort in that, you know? I can't explain why. It just did.
It really began with Sam. As most important things in my life always do these days. I woke up this morning with a strange anxiety smothering me in my bed sheets. I don't know what it was. It could have been any number of things at this point. I feel like my whole life and my future in general has been teetering on the edge for quite some time now....and today finally felt like another helpful step forward. A step towards.....something actually happening. You know? Whatever. I'm just talking out of my head. Been spacing out a lot today.
So, I was going to school this morning, and I kinda have to pass Sam's house to do that. I didn't even contemplate knocking on his door or ringing his doorbell this morning. I thought about it....but figured....you know....why bother? He's pissed at me. There's nothing I can do to really fix that, no matter how much it sucks. I'd be better off just avoiding the emotional gunfire. That was my mindset, at least.....until I actually walked past his driveway...and I heard his window open from upstairs.
He called out to me, like, "Billy! Hold on a sec! I'm coming down!" It caught me by surprise, because I didn't even think he was talking to me again after what he told me last time. I don't know if I consider it lucky or unlucky...but sometimes Sam's words can have actual meaning one day, and he can completely FORGET about them the next. And then he'll act like *I'M* the crazy one for even bringing them up. I mean...does he even pay attention to what he tells me from day to day? He keeps me so off balance sometimes. He's weird.
He came outside with his backpack and a big grin on his face. I gave him a sideways look, like, "Um...hello?"
He's like, "Hey." And we stood there for a moment not saying anything. Then after an awkward wiggle or two, he's like, "So....you going to school?"
What the...? I said, "Dude...did you really just ask me that?"
He's all, "Oh...right. Super obvious." Another weird pause, and finally he rolls his eyes and says, "I'm sorry. Alright?"
I think that I was kinda...confused by the whole thing. Maybe it was just too sudden for me to really respond right away. The strange thing is...Sam was my best friend in the world. The apology wasn't even necessary, to be honest. As long as I had him back...nothing else really mattered. And yet, I found myself suffering a major brain freeze.
I was quiet for a second, and Sam was like, "Billy?"
And I was like, "Oh...yeah. Dude...don't sweat it." I started walking again, and he moved to walk beside me.
He said, "No, I mean it, ok? I just...I said some things that were more directed at my own pain and shouldn't have been directed at you. I was an asshole. So...I'm sorry. K?"
It wasn't like him to do anything like this. It was a really genuine apology but...Sam and I usually just let things fade away and end up being best friends again. Is it weird that confronting the issue like this felt so strange to me. I almost wanted to 'hide' from it. I said, "No really...it's fine. I get it. Just....whatever..." I should have been doing jumping jacks and back flips at that moment, but instead, I just walked forward with my head down. Hoping to avoid it altogether. I think it made Sam a little uneasy to not hear me saying anything. But after another short silence, something began to sink in...and I turned my head to look at him with a smile. You know...he was really cute at that particular moment. And with a grin, I said, "Jerk ass..."
Sam laughed at me, and rolled his eyes, like, "Go ahead. Get it all out of your system."
I said, "Nah...I think jerk ass pretty much covers it." I couldn't stop staring at him. I don't know...I think I just felt really relived that he didn't despise me as much as I thought he did. Who was I fooling? We're inseparable. Sam and I could fist fight until we're both bloody and toothless and set each other on FIRE...and we'd still end up being best friends. It made me feel all mushy and sweet inside just knowing that. I looked at him again, as a gentle wind kinda rustled some of his blond hair, and couldn't help but smile again. I said, "I missed you." I don't know what made me say it. It was like...I was developing this weird crush on him again. It just rushed to the surface out of nowhere, and it made me feel funny inside. Sometimes that boy gives me the 'wiggles' something awful.
Sam was like, "Get outta here. It's been like, what...a couple of days?"
I was like, "A couple of days is a long time when it comes to not talking to you." Yikes! What the hell was I doing? Was I flirting??? STOP that! It's Sam!
I think he actually blushed a little bit. Then he put an arm over my shoulder and said, "That...my friend...was JUST the kind of ego stroke that I was looking for. Hehehe!"
He smelled good today. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Well, you know...I'd be willing to stroke just about anything you gave me access to." Which...you know...I was kinda kidding, but kinda not kidding too.
Sam was a bit shocked and said, "And on THAT note, I'm gonna take my arm back now." He let go of me, but leaned over to playfully butt me with his shoulder. And just like that...everything was forgotten. The slate was wiped clean, and we started over from square one. We have a weird dynamic sometimes. But I like it.
When we got to school though, Sam and I were walking down the hall and ran into Trace. You know, I don't think I've ever seen Trace actually carrying school books before. Hahaha! It almost made him look like an actual student instead of that really cute boy who just happens to wander the halls all day being...'cool'. But what happened next was kinda freaky.
Trace was like, "Billy, what's up? Hey, my dad is running out on us again this Thursday. You feel like coming by? The house is all ours." Then he looks over at Sam, like, "Hey."
There was just this 'moment' where...they looked at each other...and a million questions suddenly went racing through my head at top speed. Like...what were they thinking? Does Trace think that Sam is like...my boyfriend or something? Or...does Sam think that me and Trace have been hooking up at his house while his dad is away? Do they think...I mean...what if...wait a second...ugh! It was WEIRD!!! You know?
It hardly even registered that these were the last two boys on my 'kiss list'. Being there with both of them at once was an odd experience. I finally found the guts to answer, and I said, "Umm...yeah. Maybe. That could be cool." Was that a non-incriminating answer? Wait...would it even matter? I'm so lost right now.
Trace looked at Sam again. Sam looked back at him. Then they both looked at ME. And Trace was like, "Cool. Well...I'll see ya then."
And Sam was like, "I've gotta get to my locker."
Trace said, "Yeah, I've gotta get to class. I'm sure they're tired of seeing me in detention. I'm practically on a first name basis with the monitor."
Then Sam started walking one way, and Trace started walking in the other. And it's like...they both kinda looked back as if they both expected me to naturally 'follow' them. I was, like...'stuck', you know? I didn't want to go in either direction. I was...scared. What the hell is wrong with me? Instead, I looked to the side and saw the main office. So I chickened out and said, "You know what, I've gotta get a...ummm...a permission slip...I mean...a hall pass for later. Yeah. So you two go on without me. I'll catch up to you later." Which seemed to be a good enough of an excuse. At least...I think it was. Maybe it wasn't. Who knows? I just made sure to turn my head to make it obvious that I was talking to both of them. Thank goodness for a hasty escape.
I shouldn't be afraid of this. I should be forcing myself to resolve this issue already. I need to just...get my head on straight and stop being a wuss about this. Right?
Awwww, but they're both sooooo cute! And sweet! And...anyone who could kiss me the way they kissed me that night...they might be the best thing that ever happened to me. Well...since Brandon.
I saw him today.
I wish I had more to report than that, but I don't.
He was walking down the stairs with Stevie right beside him. They seemed...'happy' together. I kinda wanted to talk to him and ask about the email he sent me. Maybe even offer a heartfelt apology of my own. But any time I try to pry Brandon out of Stevie's clutches for even a few seconds, I end up screwing everything up. Imagine me thanking Brandon for his email with Stevie right there listening. Imagine me asking Stevie if I could talk to Brandon alone for a moment, even. I doubt either one of those scenarios would work. So I just kinda...saw him, and didn't approach them. They were smiling. No need to wreck his whole day by being...'me'.
Anyway, that's one 'sorry' that I wish I had given him in person today. But what can I say? I'm a coward. The stakes are a little high when it comes to Brandon's heart. They always have been.
I've gotta run. I've got a TON of homework tonight, and I haven't even started yet. I just feel like my mind is wrapped around too much to fully concentrate right now.
I'll write more later. Laters!
Ps- Trace and Sam....sighhhh....if only this could be like one of those online erotic stories where I end up having a threesome with BOTH of them! How hot would THAT be? Hehehehe! We could invite Lee and Bobby Jinette and make it an orgy! Yay for boy orgies! :)