It's probably best if I just don't think about it much. It doesn't really feel real anyway. Probably isn't. It's stupid. I feel like I'm going to wake up any second, and it will all have been some dumb dream. Or a delusion. Whatever. The less I actually dwell on it, the better. It'll probably just blow over. Just like...everything else.
Anyway, despite that weirdness, it was still a pretty cool day. Actually, it was kinda fun. Although it did start out with a random bit of naughtiness on my part.
you know, I thought that my little roll on the mattress with Sam yesterday would make my insatiable horniness settle down a bit. But honestly? It was the first thing that I thought about this morning, and now I only want more. A *LOT* more!
I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with me. My body and my brain are like total strangers to each other sometimes.
The weird thing...I got really hard thinking of him on top of me. I mean, I'm always hard when I wake up, but this was like...that extremely stiff, tingly, almost-ready-to-burst kinda hard. I kept thinking about his lips on my lips, and his tongue and my tongue, and the feel of his back as he gyrated into my groin...ugh! If I didn't jack off, right then and there, I thought that I was going to DIE!!!
So I started stroking, right? And I'm really into the idea of Sam just...kinda pressing down on me. And in my mind, I kept wrapping my legs around him tighter and tighter...and kinda raising my hips more...and just before I came...
I kinda thought about Sam maybe...you know. Like, actually putting it in me. I mean, it was almost like I could FEEL the sensation. And it REALLY turned me on...the idea of my best friend actually fucking me. And I don't...I mean, I'm usually not the one who's getting...geez, why is this so hard to write down. See...in my fantasies, I'm always the one on the top. I'm always, like...plugging away at Bobby Jinette's luscious ass or being balls deep in Brandon or something. And after my screwed up experiences with AJ, I'm kinda reluctant to even try something like that again. But...
I don't know...something about Sam doing it to me is really hot. Is that weird? Is it a trust thing? Or is he just somebody who gets me so hot that I'd do almost anything for him? It's hard to tell. But yeah...I came twice in like a five minute period. It was crazy! The first time just didn't do it for me. It wasn't enough. I probably could have gone for three in a row if my mom didn't start calling me down for breakfast.
Yeah, so that was weird.
Anyway, Jimmy and I decided to hang out today. Which was a good thing, because as horny as I was, it was best that I stayed as far away from Sam as humanly possible today. I would have jumped him for sure if we spent any time at all alone together. But as I was thinking about things, I got an idea, and I asked Jimmy on the phone, "Hey....do you mind if I sorta bring somebody along with me today for a while?"
Jimmy was like, "Who? Sam? Sure. You know he's always welcome to stay around me looking pretty. Hehehe!"
But I said, "Umm...no, not Sam this time. Somebody else? A friend."
Jimmy paused for a second, and he was like, "This isn't like a 'you and Lee' kinda friend, is it?"
But I assured him, "Nah. Nothing like that. I just think he needs to get out and be a little bit more 'social', is all. I thought it would be kinda good for him, you know?"
Jimmy's like, "Is he cute?"
I giggled, like, "Yeah, he's cute. You remember Bobby Jinette, right? I told you about him."
He said, "Oh yeah. I know Bobby. Well, I know who he is, but that's about it." Then he asks why I think it would be 'good for him' to hang out with us...which kinda put me in a bad position. It's not like Jimmy wouldn't be able to guess on his own, but still...it would suck to 'out' Bobby without telling him. It's just not the kinda thing I would do, even if it's supposedly done with his best interest in mind. It was uncomfortable enough just having Sam and Joanna talk about me when I'm not around. And CERTAINLY, no words are to be spoken about me in secret to Jamie Cross! Under NO uncertain terms! Ever!
So...I just kinda told Jimmy that Bobby was a bit shy about talking to people sometimes. Like I said, I knew Jimmy would figure out that Bobby was gay. But I didn't want it to be because I came right out and told him. You know?
Anyway, Jimmy was all for it. Then came the nearly impossible task of calling Bobby up and actually getting him to leave the house. Hehehe, I'll have to admit some of Trace's giggle inducing bully tactics to get him to come with me without telling him too much about it ahead of time. I was surprised that it really worked that well. No wonder I keep falling for it. I guess Bobby likes Surprises just as much as I do.
I went all the way to his house first to make sure that I wasn't stuck waiting for him at the bus stop all by myself. I have to admit, he really was looking pretty cute today. Not that Bobby had to try very hard. His house was about a ten minute walk back to the bus, and Jimmy was gonna meet us at the mall, which was perfect because it gave us a chance to talk.
I asked him about Ian, and Bobby blushed instantly. But he did it with a smile. He was like, "Don't worry, I'm still talking to him."
I'm like, "Are you SURE?"
And he says, "Yeah. I always liked talking to him, but...it's exhausting, you know?"
I was surprised. I said, "Exhausting??? Why?"
He took it back instantly and said, "Well, not exhausting, really. It's just...it makes me uncomfortable. You know? It's like...I get nervous, and I start shaking, and I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing, which only makes it harder to come with things to talk about...it just...ugh..." Then he's like, "Just trying to fill up an email leaves me fatigued. And then, as soon as I hit the send button, I feel like I've just been babbling about nonsense and I've totally wasted his time..."
I smiled at him and told him, "Good. It's good that you're uncomfortable. That means you're trying. And the more you try, the easier it'll get."
I don't think Bobby believed me, but he said, "I'll take your word for it." anyway. Then he asked me, "So who are we meeting up with?"
I'm like, "Just a friend. You'll like him, he's cool. I just thought it would be fun to hang out together." Bobby gave me a sideways look, and I told him, "You know...he's like me. Like us. He likes boys too..."
I don't know what went through Bobby's mind, but he stopped walking dead on a dime. He stopped so fast that I was a few steps ahead before I even noticed that he was missing. He was like, "Billy....NO! Ok? No!"
I'm like, "No, what?"
He said, "PLEASE tell me that you didn't go and try to set me up with somebody. Please?"
I'm like, "Dude, chill! It's nothing like that. I promise. Ok? He's just a friend that I hang out with, that's all. It's 'fun'...nothing more than that. Geez! Hehehe!" It took a second of Bobby searching my eyes for some sort of trick, but he eventually started walking again. I said, "Wow, you were really gonna totally ditch me back there, weren't you?"
He mumbled, "I still might. So don't get your hopes up." I started to ask him why, but he cut me off and he said, "You didn't tell him about ME, did you?" I told him that I didn't say a word, and Bobby was like, "Good. Good. I don't want him to know. So don't, like...say anything, ok?"
I said, "Bobby, didn't you hear what I said? He's GAY! He's not gonna care one way or the other."
But Bobby just said, "Then you don't have to tell him then. If he's not gonna care."
Arrrgh! So...I was quiet for a minute or two, and then I'm like, "You know...it actually feels good to talk about things with somebody else who can relate to us. Seriously." He whined a bit, but I got him to pipe down a bit and said, "Jimmy's a good guy. He won't say anything to anybody."
Bobby was like, "Jimmy? Jimmy LaPlane? Isn't he the one who...um...you know? He had that 'accident'. He had to go to the hospital for a while?"
Strange how people politely refer to a blatant suicide attempt as an 'accident'.
I told him, "He's a lot better now. But even that just goes to show that it's not good to bottle everything up all the time." Bobby seemed to still be squirming a bit at the idea, and I was like, "Dude...believe me, I know how it feels. I still feel it myself sometimes. It's like...you keep hiding and running away...feeling like you can't ever really fully accept it. And after you do that for long enough...you get comfortable being alone. Sooner or later, running and hiding is all you know, and you find that you CAN'T talk about it anymore...even when you want to."
Bobby said, "I don't know, Billy."
I'm like, "Dude, nobody is asking you to put on a pair of assless chaps and jump on a big rainbow float for the Gay Pride Parade. Just hang out with us for a while. I was really worried about it too at first, but you know what? Hanging out with Jimmy makes me feel....'normal'. I had no idea how abnormal I felt until I actually found someone that I could talk to about stuff like this."
Bobby was quiet for a few moments. Then he asked me, "So...you like....you told some people? About you liking boys?"
I said, "Yeah. A few people. Well, Jimmy just kinda figured me out. He's like the Professor X of gaydar. It's weird."
Bobby was like, "So, like, what happened? I mean...was it bad?"
I said, "No. No, it wasn't bad at all." He didn't seem to believe me, but I went into some more details. I was like, "I mean, there was...a little awkwardness at first. It took some getting used to, both for them and for me. But...after a while, once they realized that I was still the same person that I was before...the whole thing just kinda faded back into the category of 'things that don't really matter much'. After that, it's hardly an issue anymore."
I think that helped Bobby to relax a bit more. Sometimes, if you try to make everything seem easy and full of sunshine, it just comes off as fake. It's better to just be honest with people sometimes. A little struggle and discomfort is a small price to pay for being truly happy in the end.
Bobby decided that was good enough for him, and by the time we got on the bus, he was smiling again. He still made me promise not to just blurt out that he was gay to Jimmy LaPlane, but the second we met up with him in the mall, Jimmy knew. He didn't say anything, but he gave me a smile and a wink after the first few minutes of Bobby being nervous. Hehehe, I knew Jimmy would know. I've gotta get Jimmy and Simon to double team Trace for info starting tomorrow.
Bobby stayed quiet for a while. Jimmy and I talked mostly, but Bobby offered a few words or a smile here and there. I think there were a few times when Bobby was actually shaking. But he was trying. I mean, more so than usual. The more I think back to me and Bobby being together, the more I realize that he was always a little awkward when it came to just random chit chat. As cute as Bobby was, there was always that 'distance' between us. And it came from him just being nervous, I suppose. But as he warmed up today...I don't know...hehehe! It was just adorable to me. I think I'd actually like to get to know Bobby a little better without that emotional wall in the way. I'm intrigued by what I might find back there.
The BEST, though, was when we were eating in the food court. And Jimmy kept looking at me and giggling because Bobby hadn't said anything about being gay yet. I didn't want to 'push' him or anything, but Jimmy was like, "Dude...look back, like...three tables behind you. The boy in the red shirt. He is totally giving me the wiggles right now. Hehehe!" It was out of the blue, but I caught on to what he was doing.
So I peeked back, and was like, "The one with the light brown hair? He's cute, but I think I like his friend better. It's the blue eyes. I can, like, see them from here. They're awesome."
Bobby froze for a second. Went completely silent. But after Jimmy and I went back and forth about how cute boys at the table were, I saw him peek out of the corner of my eye. Hehehe, as he was looking, Jimmy reached across the table and tapped my hand. So we were quiet and just watched Bobby enjoying some of the mall's eye candy. He must have heard us stop talking, because he looked back at us and instantly jerked his gaze back down to his tray. Hahaha! He was blushing soooo hard! Jimmy and I couldn't hold it in, and we burst out into a fit of giggles. So much so, that Bobby started to giggle himself. He pretty much knew that he had been caught red handed.
And then, much to my shock and amazement, he mumbled, "Jimmy's right. The first boy is sexier..." It was quiet and it was bashful, but he said it! He actually SAID it! From then on...the rest of the afternoon was just plain awesome. Bobby talked a little bit more. He felt a little bit more comfortable. He just kinda blossomed, you know? Not ALL the way, of course. Even I didn't expect that. But at least he wasn't trembling at the idea anymore. And that's a much bigger step than he realizes. Than any of us realize, actually. I remember that weight being lifted. It's a weird feeling, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Bobby actually gave Jimmy a hug when we parted ways for today. I think he smiled the whole bus ride home. He can be really cute when he's being himself. I just...hehehe, I noticed. Wow. Where was this Bobby when I had him naked on his bed? Hehehe!
When he got off the bus, he was like, "I think I'm gonna write to Ian. Maybe just to say hello." And that made my heart melt. It really did. Because if that little boost of courage helps him to snag himself a boyfriend...then I'm gonna go out and dance in the streets. Seriously! I haven't seen Bobby this goofy in a long time. I missed that particular infatuated smile. It was always cute on him.
So yeah, all in all, it was an awesome day. You know...until after dinner. Then...whatever.
My mom kinda flipped because I didn't get my dad a birthday card. I guess she kinda thought that was why I was going to the mall in the first place. And I wanted to remember but I guess it kinda slipped my mind. I didn't see what the big deal was. I could just call him and say 'happy birthday', then give him the card tomorrow. But my mom was stressing about it and was talking about how I should talk to him more and should visit...I was totally lost as to what she was talking about. Like, where was all THIS coming from, all of a sudden?
Then, when I asked her why it was such a huge problem that I didn't pick up a three dollar card at the mall, my mom got quiet for a moment. She seemed a bit...I dunno. I didn't recognize the look on her face at all. And she's like, "Your father is getting married, Billy."
I don't know why my brain didn't absorb that right away, but it seemed like the weirdest thing in the world to hear out loud. I was like, "What do you mean? Dad's already married. To you."
She said, "We're signing the papers. He's getting married....and he's moving away."
Again...nothing registered as being...'possible'. I said, "This isn't making any sense. He already moved away. He's moving even further away?" She said he was. I asked, "Where?"
And she said, "He's moving to Seattle, Billy. Right before Summer starts."
I wish I could tell you much about what she said after that. I wish I could tell you what I said after what she said. But nothing would stick. It was this...really numb feeling. Not angry, not sad....not even surprised, really. Just...numb. I remember her saying something about how he still loves me, and that we should spend some time together over the next month and a half before he leaves. But all I could really think about was the night that I told him that I wanted to come home. And the look on his face when he dropped me off. I can't get that look out of my mind.
I know they say that these things aren't really your fault...but in this case...I certainly didn't help matters much. I certainly didn't give him much reason to stay here, did I?
Anyway, I don't want to think about this right now. I'd rather distract myself with something else. Even if it's just some mindless television. Anything would be better than entertaining my own thoughts right now. So...I'm closing the book for tonight.