- I made sure to wake up early enough to sneak out of the house before my mom got out of bed this morning.
I can't really tell if I was still pissed at her because of yesterday, or if I just didn't feel like looking her in the eye today. I just...I can't pretend that yesterday didn't happen. I can't pretend that tomorrow isn't going to happen eventually. I don't even know how serious this thing is between Mr. Franks and my mom. It almost makes me nauseous to think about that man spending time with my mom. Staying in this house. Laying in her bed. It's just plain gross.
Why did my dad have to walk out on us? What could they be fighting about that was so awful that they couldn't stand to be in the same house anymore? I mean...I just don't get ANY of this! If he was still around, I wouldn't be dealing with this right now. It's all so dumb.
Anyway, I crept out the back door once I got dressed and washed up...and I walked down the block to Sam's house. I know it was an unannounced visit, but we were both known for popping up out of nowhere whenever we needed to talk. I just needed a shoulder to lean on for a while. Luckily, Sam's good at being that guy for me. I don't know how I got lucky enough to have found him in the first place, but...I'm forever grateful for having him be a part of my life. Especially now.
When I rang the door, Sam came to the door in his usual white t-shirt and boxers. Expected attire for a Sunday morning at Sam's house. Or any morning, for that matter. "Billy! S'up man?" He said, chewing whatever it was that he was chomping on for breakfast. "Come in!"
Is it weird that I still make a habit of staring down at Sam's ass whenever he invites me in and turns to walk away from me? Hehehe, what can I say? He's got a sexy ass! And in boxer shorts...it's like the fabric just hugs every sensual curve of his well sculpted globes in just the right way. Hehehe, don't judge me! It's a hard habit to break! Trust me!
Sam guided me into the kitchen where he had a plate waiting on him, and he's like, "You want something to eat? Try these! These frozen waffles are BOSS, dude! My mom scrambled up some eggs before she left. You can have half if you want."
I wanted to turn down the offer, but it certainly smelled good. I'm like, "You can eat the eggs, but a waffle or two sounds cool."
He asked, "You want it toaster-style or microwave?"
I said, "Microwave. I like the toaster singe and all, but microwave is better, so I can melt the butter and stuff."
He's like, "I knew you'd say that. Hehehe, same for me, bro! Well said! I'm with you!" And he fixed me a plate without hesitation. So, before even asking me what was wrong, Sam and I sat at his kitchen table and ate waffles together. I swear...we'd make the perfect married couple if things were different. That's an odd thing to admit about my best friend, but it's the truth. Especially when he cleared the table, his plate and mine, and put them in the sink with some water run over them to wash off the syrup. Then he told me to follow him upstairs to his room, and I could tell that he already knew this was going to turn into a rap session between us. We had gotten so used to the routine. Sam climbed into bed, and left plenty of room for me to lay beside him. Back to back, butt to butt...just like we always did. He said, "So what's the deal with you? It's not like you to be up this early without a reason."
I sighed. I'm like, "My mom and I are having some issues."
He's like, "We're teenagers. They're parents. They're the enemy. We're supposed to have issues, aren't we?"
I said, "Not like this." I hesitated for a moment. Then I told him, "I think my mom is trying to date this...this creep. I should have known that he was coming around too much to not be scheming on something. I was just too stupid to see it coming. I should have put a stop to that shit before it even got started."
To my surprise, Sam said, "Well, it was only a matter of time, dude. Your mom's pretty hot."
I winced from hearing him say that. I'm like, "What? What the fuck are you talking about?"
He's like, "I'm not saying that I wanna 'hit that' or anything, but you can't be too surprised that some other guy might want to."
I look back over my shoulder, and I'm like, "Might want to what???"
He's like, "Might wanna hit that. Makes sense."
UGH! I'm like, "Dude, can you stop saying that? If you say 'hit that' one more time I'm totally gonna elbow you in the kidney."
There was a brief pause, but I could already feel Sam's mischievous nature rising up within him. He giggled, "Hit that!" Smacking his hands together. True to my word, I gave him a hard elbow in the back and he rolled over to tussle with me for a moment to lighten the mood, then he looked me in the eye with a smile. He's like, "Billy...come on, man. You didn't see this coming? I mean, what was your big plan? It's been six months, at least. And you said your folks were having problems even before that, right? Your dad moved on, he doesn't pay her any real attention or make any effort, whatsoever, to make her happy...how long was that arrangement supposed to last? I mean, what were you gonna do? Find some magical way to get your parents back together and forget that this whole thing ever happened?"
Feeling dirty even going into detail about it all, I frowned up, like, "I don't know. This just...the whole thing sucks. My life wasn't supposed to be like this."
He says, "I'm pretty sure your mom feels the same way. But, hey...shit happens sometimes. You can't stop the rain. All you can do is grab your umbrella and weather the storm, you know?" I was pouting slightly, so I didn't say anything in response. He added, "Look...your dad moved away. He's got a new lady in his life, right? You're not giving him as much grief as you are your mom."
I said, "That's different."
Sam's like, "How so?" Our eyes connected, and despite my stubborn scowl, he gave me a smirk. He's like, "C'mon, dude. You know that there's just a little bit of bullshit there. Don't you? After all the times you called me on my double standards and my hypocrisy, don't you think for a minute that I'm gonna let you slide on this one."
I told him, "I friggin' HATE it when you do that."
He's like, "I know. Why do you think I get such a kick out of it?" Then he scooted closer to me and said, "Dude...it's a divorce. These things happen. People...they grow apart. They move on. Life can't just come to a complete stop because of a less than favorable situation. Not for either one of them."
I asked, "What if it was your mom and dad, Sam? I mean, I don't even know how to feel about any of this."
He says, "Well, my dad left when I was still learning to ride a tricycle. So, he's barely much more to me than a photograph in the living room and a random phone call on my birthday...when he remembers. It's not quite the same for me. But my mom brought guys home before. None of them have lasted for more than a few weeks, but...eventually, she's gonna find somebody that she really cares about. And if it sticks? Well, I'm just gonna have to deal with it. That's all there is to it. Give your mom a break. I'm sure she didn't get this far without thinking about how you'd feel about it. If anything, you're probably going to be a major factor in her decision to keep dating the guy or not."
Staring off into space, I said, "If that's so...what happens if I tell her to knock it off?"
Sam's answer? "Would you really want to?" Then he's like, "I don't think you have it in you to be that cruel, dude. It's just not in your character."
With an audible grunt, I said, "You know...just once, I'd like to be stuck in the middle of an emotional crisis and have you agree with me without question."
He giggled, "No way. Sometimes, you make the stupidest choices ever, Billy. ONE of us has to be the voice of reason around here."
He got another elbow for the comment, but with a lighter, more playful, impact. I'm like, "HURTFUL!!! Geez!"
He's like, "Sorry. Hehehe, seriously. You're my boy. I've gotta look out for you, no matter what."
I said, "Likewise." And we turned to press our backs against one another to show an added moment of affection. I, honestly, don't think I could have made it this far in my life without his support and understanding. It's so much better than having people YELL at me all the time.
Then...Sam was like, "I think I'm gonna break up with Michelle."
I said, "I wish I could say that I was sorry, but..."
He's like, "I know. She was never your favorite person in the world. It's just...I don't think we have anything in common, you know? We're running out of things to talk about. Not to mention the fact that she's..." He sighed out loud. Saying, "...She's, like, the LEAST sensual person in the world. I mean...we don't have to have sex every day or anything, but...can I get a kiss? Can she hold my hand? Can she say something 'sweet' to me once in a while? Can I flirt with her without her breaking down and crawling back into her shell where she doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I can barely get a fucking hug from her these days without her feeling guilty about showing me some emotion. She's too busy dating 'Jesus' to bother giving me the time of day any more. I just...I wish she wasn't so damn distant all the fucking time. I mean, does that sound selfish of me?"
Thinking about it, I said, "Well, I mean...just because you guys aren't compatible in the emotions department, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either one of you. You just need a better match, I guess. Maybe you're both just looking for different things in a relationship."
He's like, "Yeah. I guess. It's not that she's a bad person..."
I was quick to think back to some of her homophobic remarks and said, "Well, i'm afraid I'll have to take your word on that..." Sam gave me a nudge and a grin, so I left it alone.
He said, "I just wish...I want her to be more like...I dunno, more like..."
I'm like, "More like Joanna?"
I could almost feel Sam melt further into the mattress when I mentioned her name. He's like, "I know I screwed up when we were together. I do. But she's gone now, you know? She doesn't love me anymore. What am I gonna do? Pine over her for the rest of my life? I've gotta believe that there's another girl out there, somewhere, that's going to love me the same way that she did, right? It make take me until I'm 75 years old...but there's still a chance that I can find something as rewarding as Joey's love. At least...that's what I'm hoping for." I was quiet at first. Sam's voice takes on a whole other tone when he's in pain. He may think he's hiding it from me, but I can always tell. Ugh! Is this what he feels when he's noticing my pain? Shit. I feel so exposed right now.
Thinking about it, I told him, "Jamie Cross came into my store this week."
Sam frowned up his face and grunted out loud. "I fucking HATE that guy!"
But, I told him, "He wanted to invite me to some party before the Summer was over. Before we go back to school, you know? A lot of people will be there. Maybe..." Should I say it? Well...I'll say it. "Joanna might be there too. I mean, it's pretty much guaranteed, right?"
Fuck. What am I doing??? Am I setting my best friend up for further rejection and heartbreak? Or am I giving him the green light to possibly steal a girl away from Jamie Cross? THE Jamie Cross!!! Is that even possible? What was my plan for all that? Seriously.
I almost felt my heart sink when he asked, "Do you really think she'll be there? I mean, will she even talk to me?"
I almost didn't want to answer that, but I said, "Couldn't hurt to try. Maybe." I'm making things worse, aren't I?
Sam was like, "I should just let her go. I'm done 'chasing' somebody who doesn't want me. Someone who doesn't call me, or write me, or feel any reason to think about me on a daily basis. Out of sight, out of mind. I love her more than that, you know? I actually MISS her when I go more than a day or two without hearing from her. And now she's messing around with this...'Jamie' asshole. He's good looking. So what? I mean, does he love her? Or is she just too shallow to see beyond his mask of 'gorgeous' to even care about anything else?"
I said, "You're plenty gorgeous on your own, Sam. Trust me."
But he replied, "Thanks...but no thanks. I really felt 'connected' to Joey. And I suck for screwing that whole thing up. I feel like I'm gonna regret that for the rest of my life. Because...as cute as Michelle is...she can't ever be Joey. I don't think anybody will ever be Joey." Sam sighed to himself, and he was like, "I fucked up SO bad, Billy. I really should have given Joanna my all when I had the chance. I didn't realize what I had until I threw it away over some bullshit that doesn't even matter anymore. I was such a selfish brat, dude. I'd give anything to go back and do things differently. I really would." I wasn't sure if I should encourage or discourage him about talking to Joanna again. But he said, "It still hurts, Billy. I could have had someone really special in my life...and I let other stuff get in the way. It's all my fault. I could have been a better man."
So I'm like, "It's not your fault. I'm sure she sees you for who you really are. And I'm sure she loves you just fine for it. Maybe she just got wrapped up in other things for a while. Maybe she misses you too."
I wasn't LYING with what I was telling him. But...Sam's the best friend I've ever had. How can I just let him wallow in sorrow and misery like this?
That's when Sam said, "You know...maybe I'll check out this 'party' thing, after all. I'm not gonna put any kind of scheme together to get her back. Just...it would be nice to talk to her again. I swear, Billy...it was so exciting to just talk to her. She has the cutest laugh. And she had interesting things to say to me. She just...she made me happy. It wasn't just sex. It was so much more than that."
I'm like, "Are you sure?"
And he says, "Yeah. Couldn't hurt, right?" Then, after fidgeting a bit, Sam says, "God, I'm so horny right now. I get, like...NO sex! It's making me crazy!" I giggled at his confession, but after a few seconds, Sam gave me a playful poke in the side. He's like, "Wow...I said...I'm so HORNY right now! Sure could use some help here!"
I laughed out loud, like, "Dude! What the hell? You had your chance. Besides, I've got a sweetheart now. And I'm not gonna fuck it up by fooling around behind his back and thinking he's never gonna find out what I've been up to. So you're back to vaseline and cum rags, buddy."
He's like, "C'mon, dude. Just one time. We had fun, right?"
I said, "You're not gay."
He's like, "I can be...for a few minutes at a time, anyways."
I know Sam was joking...ummm...mostly. But as I saw a bulge in his boxers and thought back to the taste of having him in my mouth for the very first time, a fulfillment of countless fantasies that I had entertained about my blond and beautiful best friend for years before finally claiming my reward...I felt my mouth go dry, and had to resist the temptation to add, yet another, 'secret' to my somewhat questionable personal history. I just smiled and told him, "And on that note...I'm gonna go find myself something constructive to do with my day. Hehehe!" And I got out of his bed while he snickered at my refusal for any more 'boy on boy' antics. I'm like, "I'll see you later."
God...if only he was actually gay! I'd never give up my Brandon, but it would have been hot to have made it a threesome!
Sam said, "You wanna hang out tomorrow? I feel like I wasted most of my Summer by not chilling with my best bro when I had the chance."
I said, "Yeah. That would be cool."
He's like, "I don't want to come between you and Brandon or anything, of course. If you guys have something planned..."
I was quick to tell him, "No, it's ok. Brandon is...well, he's 'busy' on Mondays. So, he won't be around until Tuesday."
Sam wrinkled his forehead for a moment. Then he's like, "Busy with what?"
I said, "It's a long story. Believe me. We'll hang out tomorrow and I'll try to get into the story, but...let's just say that I have my day free tomorrow."
Sam thought that was weird, but we made plans to get together early and just hang out tomorrow. I had almost forgotten how comfortable it was to talk to someone who was basically my twin brother in more ways than I care to think about. It's crazy how you can be so 'open' with certain people in your life, without feeling vulnerable. I thank the stars every day for Sam...and I'm sure I'll spill my problems out at his feet tomorrow. But, knowing Sam like I do...he'll be ok with that. That endears him to me in ways that most people will never understand.
Anyway, I had to eventually come home, and my mom and I still didn't have much to say to one another tonight. We just...we didn't feel the need to talk much. She made dinner. I ate dinner. But...then we went to opposite ends of the house and didn't discuss anything more.
I don't think our last interaction can simply be glossed over and forgotten about. I feel like we had both crossed a line that we had been dancing on for a while now. And now...we can't just ignore that it didn't happen. We have to deal with it. And neither one of us is ready to build a strategy around that just yet.
But...it's coming. I know it is. Andit won't be pretty for either one of us.
I guess I'll just deal with that dilemma when it, inevitably, pops up in the near future.
Anyway, I need to stop writing. My hand hurts. Seriously...typing on a keyboard is already enough of a chore...but trying to 'hand write' my thoughts in this book is turning into an exhausting exercise. Still, I kinda want to keep it up. Having physical books on my shelf and seeing my own handwriting during times of stress, or joy, or even when I'm half drunk and scratching stuff out (Hehehe! WTF was I doing that night???)...it's a personal representation of who I was in that moment. And I want to remember that. Some day, when I'm all grown up and, hopefully, more mature than I am right now...I want to look back on these books and see my personal script, telling the world who I was, and how I got from point A to point B through struggle and strife and 'stupid choices', as Sam would put it. These are notes on how I became the man that I hope to be in the future. I'd kinda like to remember that.
Anyway, I'm sleepy now. I wanna go see Sam early in the morning sowe can spend the whole day together. I know that Brandon's got his obligation to Stevie tomorrow...and that still bugs me. But I didn't say a word to Sam. I kept my word to Brandon, and I just...I hope he can help Stevie through his anxiety issues. Whatever they may be. But I'm gonna call him tomorrow night! It's NOT like I'm checking up on him or anything! K? I just wanna hear his voice. That's all.
I miss my baby when he's not around.
Ok, I'm gonna stop. I need sleep.
I'll write more tomorrow. Hopefully all good stuff. While...my boyfriend hangs outwith his ex...who he still cares so much about...