A Fairy Out of Her Tale - Dear Diary - 14. Scene 14

8th January, 1995

Dear Diary of Emotional Exhaustion,

My tears have dried now. I don't think I have any left in me.

You can see my writing is much steadier and easy to read. That's because I'm no longer shaking.

My feelings, emotions, are all gone. I used it all up in the last few hours. The world turned from bright hospital lights and pungent smells to something grey and numb that no longer holds my attention. I don't care if I'm still here tomorrow. I don't care if I never go outside again.

The people who came with the nurse were police officers. All 3 of them spoke Fadalesh, so they had no trouble communicating what they wanted from me.

'We understand you're a fairy trying to enter Daisen, is that correct?'

I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice to come out properly.

'And it was brought to our attention that you seem to have committed a heinous crime. Is that also correct?'

What was the point in denying something so obvious? I nodded again. And cried. Whatever their punishment was, I wasn't ready for it.

'Here in Daisen, murder is usually punishable with a long prison sentence. However, we understand that not all those who kill do so out of malice and evilness in their heart. We know that you arrived here in urgent need of care, tired, dehydrated and malnourished. We need to give you a chance to explain your case so we know what to do from now on. Please tell us your story.'

Why would it matter if the killer didn't want to kill someone? A life was still lost. Murder is murder. And should be punished accordingly. I tried to explain it to them (my voice worked, though it came out hoarse, like it had rusted out of shape in my throat), but they're shape-shifters. They don't understand the laws of nature the same way we do.

'It matters because if your crime was the result of an accident or self-defence, you're not the kind of person who needs to be put in a correctional facility to understand what you did wrong and learn to be re-integrated into society.'

Such big words. So empty. It still didn't matter. As a killer, I shouldn't be reintegrated anywhere. The past couldn't be corrected. But my words flew over their heads higher than the angels' celestial cities.

'Your eagerness for punishment is for us a strong sign that we would consider you innocent. Please tell us your story. You'll be granted official permission to enter Daisen afterwards one way or another.'

I tried to tell them I couldn't, that I was guilty and my lack of wings was proof. That punishing me whichever way they saw fit would be easier for everyone. But they kept insisting on the story. They needed to hear every detail of it. And they wouldn't leave me alone until they got what they wanted.

I wasn't ready to tell anyone. I wasn't ready to tell you, my best friend, let alone strangers who couldn't even understand the meaning of what I had done. But they forced the words out, pulled them through tears and sobs and vomit, until all that was left was this empty shell now writing to you.

Maybe now is the best time to tell you too. The emotional numbness will make it easier. I should take the opportunity, in case my feelings eventually grow back.

You'll hear from me soon. I'm going to clear away the pile of tissues and the smelly bile on my hospital gown that I told the nurse to not change just yet. I don't want to deal with people right now. I'll get back to writing when I'm done.