A Fairy Out of Her Tale - Dear Diary - 44. Scene 44

17th January 1995

Dear Dairy Diary,

You won't believe who had the same idea as me about using sugary frozen milk to relieve heartache: Lydia.

(Actually, you’ll probably believe it, because who else would be having relationship troubles in this house?)

This could've been the perfect moment for us to talk, for me to explain my ignorance on dwarven social taboos, and for us to kiss and make up like the civilised teenagers we are, but no such luck. She saw me and ran. Left her ice cream behind and everything.

Strawberry flavour. My favourite.

At least I didn't have to wonder how rude it would’ve been to eat someone's leftover dessert, because the low rumble of Unn's water tank announced her approach while I was looking for a spoon. She came in a few seconds later, staring at me with an eyebrow raised and her giant fish tail swinging like that of an annoyed cat. 'I'm here on Lydia's request. She wants me to represent her in any official dealings with you for the time being.'

'What do you mean?'

'Right now I mean that I get to eat her ice cream while I talk to you. In general, it means anything you want to say to her, you have to say to me first.'

'Why?'

By this point, Unn was already at the table and had produced a spoon seemingly out of thin air. She spoke with the first mouthful of ice cream sloshing in her mouth. 'Because that's apparently what you do when you're simultaneously ashamed of, terrified by, and disgusted of the person you also have a crush on. My job here isn't to question her motivations, but to figure out your intentions and bring peace to the realm - or the household.'

I don't think Unn expected me to say anything to that (if her almost desperate mouthfuls of ice cream were anything to go by). A part of me did almost get shocked into silence, but after watching her devour the ice cream like she was on the brink of starvation, silence was no longer an option. 'Why?'

'Why what?'

'Why is Lydia asking you to do this instead of coming to me directly?'

'You seemed to have missed the part where I said she was ashamed of, terrified by, and disgusted of you. That's why.'

'But that's not what I mean!'

Unn finally looked up from the ice cream tub. It was nearly empty. She rolled her eyes as she spoke. 'What do you mean, then?'

'Is this another one of those weird dwarf traditions? Isn't it weird for you too that she asks a friend to deal with her romantic troubles for her?

'I'm not her friend.'

'Ok?' I tried not to sound too confused, but Unn just shrugged. 'Isn't it even weirder that she asks someone who is not even her friend to deal with her romantic troubles for her?'

'I don't care. She's paying me with ice cream. I'll do anything for ice cream. Particularly if Lóránt isn't around to see me eating ice cream.'

'And why is that?'

Unn finished the last spoon-full of the tub. She must have eaten about 3/4 of it on her own, and in just a few minutes. 'Because have you tried eating ice cream under water? There's no such thing as ice cream where I come from. And it's the best thing ever.' She grinned. Her pointy teeth had bits of pink blobs on them.

'No, I meant why Lóránt would have a problem with you eating ice cream?'

'Because technically my body thinks ice cream is poison and I get really sick when I eat just a little bit of it.' She said it with that grin still in place, as if she had not just admitted self-food poisoning. My first instinct was to run and call Lóránt, but she grabbed my arm before I could move away. 'You don't have to worry, it'll take about five minutes for anything to happen. By then I'll be in my room and you won't have to see any of the unpleasantness.'

'Shouldn't you call for help?'

'It's nothing life-threatening. I'll be fine in a few days. But Lóránt acts like it's the end of the world and I should know better and no amount of ice cream is worth the pain.'

'And it isn't?'

'It's ice cream. It's worth anything and everything, and then some more.'

I decided not to argue as Unn finally moved away, leaving the empty ice cream tub behind. She called back to me when she was at the door, though.

'If Lóránt asks, tell them you were the one who ate it.'