A warning. This was a difficult chapter. You all know what happened seven months ago. I couldn't write about it for a while, but the writing bug was chewing on me. If you don't know about it, read this from the beginning. This is about the emotions. Those were very real.
After the turmoil of emotions expressed, I spooned him that night.He needed me.I did cry a little more, quietly, but I wouldn’t let go.I couldn’t.I talked to whatever power was in charge and questioned why this horrible thing could happen.He or She, deity or force knew all about me and even knew what I was thinking.Denying I felt or thought badly about them or this horrible event and why they allowed it was no secret from Him.Baptists didn’t have the thing where we had to have somebody else talk for us, I told Him I had doubts and wanted to understand why.Tony was sick?The doctor said he didn’t know yet.Tony said he could feel it.His father had it, but Angelo was in his seventies!!Tony was in his forties!The thing was, Tony needed me.
It was later when I felt Tony stir from his favored position on me.During the night he had turned.He liked to hear my heartbeat, so he sometimes slept on my chest.He smiled at me, but his expression was subdued, almost embarrassed.“Good morning.”He said softly.
I smiled as I looked in his eyes as I ran my fingers in his hair.“It’s nearly noon, but, yes, it’s a good morning.It will be great day.”
We had been together for years now and I knew as he began to get ready to say more and I stopped him bringing him into a kiss.Not our typical good morning kiss; nor was it a consuming with desire kiss.I wanted him to know, without saying it, that I loved him.Words couldn’t do the emotion justice; not this time.
“If you’re going to say what I think you are, don’t.”I said softly as my fingers were in his hair again.
His eyebrows rose and I saw the very slight…but it was there, humor in his eyes.“How do you know what I’m going to say?”
“Because I know you, Tony.”I said simply.“We’ve been together five…going on six years now.You think I don’t know what you’re going to say?But, if you think you have to; go ahead, say it.”
“I was just going to say, I’m sorry…”
I was nodding as I know my eyes showed him I knew it.“See!?”I said quickly.“I knew you were going to say that!”I rolled on top of him.“Listen, Tony Delveccio, we stood before God and a whole lot people who are our family and friends, vowed to stick together through good times and bad times, richer or poorer.”What I said next was more difficult than I thought due to a lump I was feeling due to the heaviness of emotions I was feeling.“Sickness and health.Right now, we’re going through that will be bad.Never apologize to me about having feelings.I will always be at your side, and I will be on your side.Always.”I smiled kissing him, but I knew there was a tear forming in my eye and I didn’t wipe it away.
Tony pulled me closer.“I guess you do know me.”He kissed me deeper.“So, what do you know about what I want to do right now?”
“Yes.”Looking at him and I felt so…much love and agony at what he was facing and he knew I would be there for him.“But before we do, I know that we’re going to go back and forth about this situation…you’ll be calm sometimes, I will be other times.We’ve always been completely honest with each other.We tell each other everything.”I said.“Last night, you told me you were scared.”Now, the tear fell unchecked by me.“I’m scared, too.I am terrified.”He squeezed me more as I saw sorrow in his eyes.“You are not doing this.It’s just happening to you.I am so scared that I will lose you.”As much as I tried to keep my voice steady, it broke.“I am amazed that I could love anyone like I do you.I never knew it was possible.I wish you could feel how much…so I have to tell you in words which are inadequate.”I watched as his eyes were watering.“I…” I looked deeply in his eyes, “…love…” I saw and heard my tear hit his chest, “…you.”I kissed him again, longer and more intense and heard his breathing hitch.“I will do all I can to keep you alive.I’ll give anything, any organs I have…my whole self to keep you here and alive and healthy.I need you, Tony.”
His lips were quivering as he held me so I could see him.“I’m here now.”He barely got out.“Love me, Mitch.”
“I do, Tony.”I said kissing him.“I will.”
Love making that morning took on a whole new meaning for me.We had many wild nights, we had slow passion other times, but this time…I put all my desire for him and how much I loved having him, right now, with me.Why worry about losing him later when he was here with me now?I was determined that I would love that he was with me and treasure each moment we had together.
It was later when he again pulled me to him.I felt his lips on my neck.
“We’re missing Tauranga.”Tony said softly.
I smiled and rolled over facing him.“So?”I shrugged.“Our time together is a little more important than another nature filled…whatever.”
“You love all that nature stuff!”
I shook my head.“I love you way more than all the flowers and animals, Tony.”I smiled at him.“You’ve wanted to be on the Queen Mary…” I tried to remember when he brought it up and how many times, “a long time!We are!You need to have things you want to see and do.We’ll do them!This is our trip!”
Tony chuckled.“Yes, it is.We’ll be in Auckland tomorrow.”He leaned in kissing me lightly.“Let’s spend the day together here.”
“We should order dinner brought here as well.”I suggested.“I’m not feeling like…socializing tonight.”
Tony’s eyebrows rose questioning and I knew him.
“I didn’t say we couldn’t see a show or something…go dancing…but I want just you today.”I smiled.“Okay?”
Tony nodded and smiled at me.“That would be great.”He rolled over and got up and went to the desk.“In fact, I say we order lunch and dinner and have it here.”He shrugged.“We’re here for a few more days.We can stay here, enjoy the stateroom and each other.”He grinned.“But one thing I need right now…?”
I nodded and said it with him smiling back.“Is kawfee!”I even said it like he does.
He chuckled shaking his head.“You know me so well.”He said picking up the phone by our bed to order his precious coffee.Later we would order our…lunch?Dinner?It was going to be a meal!He plopped down again on the bed and handed me the menu.“Like you said…it may be nothing.”
I nodded as I looked at the menu and again…I couldn’t stop touching him.He didn’t mind.“You said you feel it was…something.”
He nodded.“I do.”He confessed.“If it is something…I will have to go through treatments.”
“Of course, you will.”
“It will make me…sick.”He said softly, but not looking at me.
“It will.”I agreed pulling his head gently to look at me.“But you fight this, damn it.”
“I intend to, but I will be weak and…” he hesitated.“Can I ask that we don’t tell anyone?”He saw my expression and held his hand up.“I mean, not at first.”
“Sure.”I put the menu down and lowered us down on the bed.“If we can defeat this, no one needs to know, but…here’s that Mitchism again.”I saw him smile at that.“We’re worrying about the ride on the horse when we haven’t located the saddle.Hell, the horse is still in the pasture!We need to get the information from Dr. Keogh, about the….” I waved at him, “…whatever in you and he will tell us the treatment you need to get rid of it.”
Tony frowned.“I’ve known people that have gone through that chemo and radiation.They got sick.”
“All at once?”I asked wanted him to think.It could, it might and yet he needed not to see it as inevitable.
“No, it was gradual.”
I nodded and again, leaned in a kissed him lightly.“This is important, I know.I know you’re scared.It’s worse because we don’t know.I’m scared!I shouldn’t have to tell you to feel free to say whatever you feel or think, okay? You know that. We’ll talk about whatever and I mean it.I am your husband, Tony.I will always listen.”I smiled.“If it was pancreatic cancer, I’d be very worried, but this could go on for years!”I said begging him to see that.“The doctor didn’t tell us to cancel this, if he was worried, he would have made us stay to get treatment as soon as possible.”
Tony nodded.“But it might!It runs in the family…!”
I pulled him into a hug.“Please, baby…don’t surrender so quickly.If it is something, we’ll deal with it!”I promised.“Together!”I saw his eyes and they were clouded over.“Don’t give up.If it is serious, we deal with it.”
He nodded and looked at me.“Promise me…not a word to Kathy, Al, Louise…nobody.”He looked at me determined.“Especially not to Nick.”He sat up.“We go on with our plans as usual.Nothing changes.”
“Okay, baby.”I agreed.“No one will be told until they question what’s wrong.”
“Not even then!”Tony shook his head.“We say I have something else.”
“I can’t do that!”I objected.“I don’t lie well!You know that.”
“You can evade the subject.”Tony shrugged.
My eyes widened.“I’m going to evade a question from Kathy!?”I waved at him.“She’s a nurse for christ’s sake!Al’s a doctor!They will probably know without asking.You know your sister!”I saw Tony’s distressed look and I took his face in my hands.“Can we wait until we talk to Dr. Keogh?Find out what treatment he intends to give and what your reaction will be?It might not…”
Tony moved quickly as he sat up.“I feel it!There’s something there!He said so.”He said pounding on his own chest.“I know there’s something wrong!My mother, my father, both parents on either side…almost no one’s died of anything else other than something related to cancer!I will get it!”He was now shouting.“I have it!”
I jumped up beside him.“First, your father was elderly!He even said it himself he was old!Your mother was also elderly!”I shouted just as loud.“You’re not!”I threw my hands up.“Damn it, Tony!Your father had it for we don’t know how long when he got sick enough to go to the doctor and then it was too late!You didn’t! You will not just give up and die!!We have a chance!”My finger jabbed his chest over where he had pounded his chest making him back up slowly.
Tony’s eyes widened.“Are you sure you’re not really Italian?”
The humor was what it was, but I was on a roll and I wasn’t stopping.“You mean a lot to a bunch of people, Anthony Delveccio!You have a son, sisters, nieces and nephews that need you!More important, you have a husband.Me!I am your husband, I need you the most!We are going to fight this…thing you said you’ve got.Do you hear me?”
Tony nodded and walked over and hugged me.“Sorry, I’m just worrying.”
I held him to me.“It’s in your genes, I know.”I got us to sit down again and looked him in the eyes.“I will be with you the whole way, I promise.”I watched him smile at me.“I love you.Have I told you that?”
Tony grinned.“No, I don’t think you’ve ever said that before to me.”
I nodded as I pushed him on his back and straddled his middle, arms over his head.“Trying to dethrone me as the wiseass?”
Tony chuckled as he surrendered.“I never stood a chance of doing that.”Then he said seriously.“I know you love me.”
“Good.”I said running my nose in his chest hair and kissed his chest as I went.
Tony smiled.“You know how I feel about you.”
I propped on his chest as I mockingly looked unsure.“I don’t recall…”
“I love you, Mitch.”He said seriously.“You’re my whole world.”He said softly.“Just, try to keep me sane.”
Then we heard the soft melodic tone.“Never doubt I’ll be here, for whenever or whatever you need.”I said kissing him.“Your kawfee’s here.”I grinned.
He laughed at me saying it that way.“I’m turning you into a YANKEE!!”He got up and was going down.
“You might want to put a robe on?”I suggested waving at his nude form.“I love seeing it, but it might be a bit of a shock for the guy or girl with the coffee.As nice as the view is…”I waved again at his naked form.
Tony waved that comment off, but got the robe on.“I’m sure I won’t the first.”
I sighed knowing we were in for a long struggle.Tony was my whole world and I won’t let him go without a fight.I had to get his mind off this unknown and back on the trip we were on.This was his dream!But I was equally determined it wasn’t to be his last.
“I ordered you that vanilla iced latte you love!”I heard from below making me grin more.
“On my way.”
We really didn’t do much that day, but spend time together.We did order the meal after drinking our coffee.
“I may need to talk to someone.”I said as we finished our meal.
Tony looked up.“You mean a therapist?”
I shook my head.“Not like that yet…maybe later.” I smiled.“There are people in our lives that I would trust.”I said.“David is just that person.He’s my cousin, but he’s my good friend…always has been.”
Tony nodded.“And therefore Sasha.”
“We made Sasha our next of kin.We trust him.”I said.“They’re our family now, but no one else.”
Tony nodded.“I have you to talk to, so…” he shrugged.“It makes sense.”He sat back with a sigh.“I just don’t want to worry anyone.”
I took his hand.“That’s what family and friends do.They will worry because they love you.”I said.“It will happen.”