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This me... Shy other This me... Why bother With quadary Wickedly good Caringly bad Rough till tough Disarming till charming Cold hearted Hot blooded Aloof from truth With an intimate lie Late night Nightly Early morning Mourning Touching hello Caressing goodbye At the worst It was best To continue the worst Magic carpet Tar pit There's nothing To exclaim To whimper With words With thoughts With expressions With gestures A surfeit of surface The perfect place For gruesome Mumblings Graffiti Badly written Sadly sung Scribble hum 9-19-17 I know it says nothing, after all nothing says it all.

For tim You are this beautiful creature that has graced my life A zephyr that blows softly lifting nary a hair I cannot cage you or keep you from those who love you Water that runs unfettered through my fingers You love is like the grains of sand on a long white beach Quicksilver that flows, cannot be molded or shaped Your radiance cannot be closeted or hidden Clouds that skim playfully through the blue above How can I lock up the wind? *********************************************************************

I had problems falling asleep last night and this popped into my head unbidden and fully formed. Then insisted I write it down before it would let me rest (you can picture whatever Muse is to blame standing behind me, his sharpened quill-pen ✒️ at my throat) : My beautiful rose made of shattered glass, glittering in the sunlight and morning dew. Beautiful from afar, but made of sharp points and rough edges which cut & scar when you try to hold it too close, hold it too tightly. Your fragile beauty falling apart in the heat of the midday sun. I wrote that thinking of Mr P, who I knew before C and I got our relationship going. Sexually-fluid, gender-queer, skin like smooth chocolate, beautiful lips, a body that was… mmmmm… did I mention the boy was pretty? Damn was he pretty. Lace & corsets; mascara & lip gloss; muscles & strength. Mostly, but not entirely, gay; mostly, but not entirely, a top. Starting in a hole he had no hand in digging and determined to climb out, but he kept sliding back in. Looking for a Daddy with a firm hand and love but afraid of finding what he needed. Someone called him a Butch Queen, which I'm sure they did not mean as a compliment, but which is probably the best label for him. Though he hates labels as they bind you as much as they identify you and he never wanted to be tucked neatly into any box. The trust between us finally wore away but I still wonder how he is and what may have been. He lost himself to the shadows in the hole and I am afraid it will bury him.

All out No control Substitute Reticence To rectify A hard passage Between Resolutely reluctant Explicitly rash And standing alone After facing That look Of ... Disbelief 5.30.17 Monday

Counting hurts Comparing pain Making eye contact At midnight Like broken eggs Scrambled into Compromise Balancing odds Placing bets Hoping to win Or lose Just playing However hard Got rules Principles Need more On impulse Sudden need Later regret Love Is not relieved On order Something That makes sense Any suggestion Hope Expectation Tomorrow Saturday 5.6.17

A stress And twist Between Peace In pieces... ~Shy away ~Turn inside ~And run outside Inclinations Expectations Explanations A tangled life Line A blocked Artery A stalled Start To be happy With inevitable sadness Happy plus the fine print Maybe acceptance Minus A reasonable option The actuality Considered I mean well But Cannot project only reflections Qualities requiring False inspiration A smile A laugh Joy shared Like an addiction To Happiness Short heart beats Long recalled Someone was happiness The same one as sadness Saturday 4.30.17

That bloody Rhododendron In bloom Again Pink Could of died Years ago Should have After all Considering I suck the beauty out of... Hearts Minds Souls These are Imaginary burials Long gone love Complete with Epitaphs Last bitter taste Looks and glaring hurt And words Never silenced echoes A fucking damn Dam That holds on Breaks Bursts Blackens Every time That Beautiful Loved Rhododendron Blooms Friday 4.28.17 Been a while, since I wrote one of these down.

The end was coming faster than any of us wanted. My father knew he was dying and said as much in early March this year. He'd battled cancer over the last three years. I wonder if he'd opted for the surgery from the start whether he'd be with us now. He chose chemo and radiation and other options. I don't discuss this with my mother. She doesn't need me to bring it up. But, how he fought this disease was his own battle in the long run. He died as he'd lived—on his own road. He taught us about living your own life. He taught us right from wrong. He taught us that we had to be able to look in the mirror and see a person we could be proud of. My father is why I am who I am. I'm out and always have been since I figured out I was gay. He and my mom were the first people I told when I was about thirteen, I guess. Later, I told them about the lifestyle I live. Both of them have always accepted me and loved me. For that I'm grateful every day. At the end of May there will be a celebration of his life. It'll take place outdoors, a casual drop in for friends and family. A time to remember a wonderful man. There will always be hole in my heart, but in time it will fill with memories of him and that will make it easier to bear. My mother was a good partner for Dad and she misses him greatly. They'd been together over 50 years. But she is as strong as he was and while it hurts, she is holding on and reaching out to her sons, family and friends. I'm no poet but my wonderful husband tells me this is okay... Well for better or worse, this is for you, Dad. When I was young, you were bigger than life Father, a giant in my boyish eyes Under gentle protection, love was rife You taught me respect and to eschew lies Acceptance of me, I never doubted I wore my own skin, not someone else's guise You gave me freedom, never rerouted Meeting life in spite of what may arise Dear Father you are from life departed I will always recall your words most wise Love, be kind and forever bighearted For all of these will deliver the prize Of a life lived well, few regrets and strife Where no demons exist to exorcise ***************************************** Comments aren't necessary. Of course you will do as you wish and that's okay. Not sure when I'll feel up to replying so if it takes me awhile, I hope you'll forgive me.

May your turkey be juicy, Your taters have nary a lump, May your side dishes make no one woozy, while your desserts make everyone jump, and may your Thanksgiving dinner not go to your thighs forcing you into a new pants size. Happy Thanksgiving one and all.

My Woe Oh cursed angel that moved me so! This person filled me with confusion and woe! That I mistook love's sweet lips touch for a veil and paradise of green lush. Instead my heart cries out Banshee melodic rhymes, my head awash in escaping happier times. Once freed soul stone-weighted in icy, tear-filled seas, ears ringing of echoes of unfulfilled pleas, yet most unsettling still joy once unwavering now stagnant, life squandering. My independence led newly awakened heart away. Family supports as fear slowly frays seeded doubt of forgotten events. Friends guide with their intentions met, but life of constant companionship yields to cluttered minds and fields unkept. Love's instant compromise comes quickly, lack of communication produces total demise. Feelings of abandonment, isolation, insecurities erode foundations; patching tit for tat, no regards, no hesitations. Aspirations of banded fingers, of forever vows, yet adulterous actions left drifts without plows. Distrust dissolves love's foundation with angered allegations leading to separation. Still, difficult are warring hopes, mixed dreams; heart, mind, soul cutting out seams of binding light, white, pure untainted into dark, noir desolate despair. Fighting, keeping one's dreams and norms sacred, unscathed to later be told your head need to reread. How can you expect to hold high esteem, your wishing star no longer beam? Thoughts of marriage alongside your missing half, however, this notion daft. Acquaintances less than our love have leapt over staffs. All the time, your fear masking laughs. Here lays the problem of my woe, age old question, "Stay or go?" Suffer well, stay, await for change; or go far, cutting ties, into unknown, strange? More I wait...hands of fate...seconds making late...chances for my soulmate...

Hey guys. Just saw something I thought to share here... https://www.upworthy.com/the-most-honest-and-heartbreaking-reason-to-leave-your-front-door-unlocked-ive-ever-heard-10?c=go1 If someone's already shared it, sorry. But I thought it was honestly quite awesome.