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I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until the last author signed up is critiqued. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. TJ JayT Critique By: jkwsquirrel Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. After his parents are killed, TJ must move in with his brother and nephew in Texas. But his brother has a secret which sends TJ’s world into a chaotic whirlwind. As TJ adjusts to his new life, he finds the love he needed, and begins to feel wanted. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The plot of the story is strong and you can tell Jay did a lot of planning right from the beginning. I think the characters really began to find their voices and hit their groove around chapter four and then continuing through the book. Everything is well thought out and the story gets stronger as it goes along. The reader can relate to TJ’s plight easily as the story develops. What do you see as the weakness of the story/poem? I thought the pacing of the first chapter or two was a bit rushed. The reader barely has time to figure out who is who and what is going on. The first chapter could have easily been three or four chapters. When TJ’s parents die, it doesn’t have as much impact as it could because the reader barely knows them enough to care about their deaths. The story doesn’t have time to breathe in those early chapters as everything happens so suddenly that it’s hard to keep up. It takes a few chapters for the characters to really find themselves. TJ’s nephew, Josh, takes a while to mature. He is a junior in high school but he sounds much younger in the early chapters. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? Again, the pacing of the earlier chapters is where I think the story could be improved the most. We never have time to feel much of anything for the characters because everything happens too fast. Jay sometimes has to backtrack in later chapters to fill in details that could have been fleshed out earlier. For instance, the reader finds out that Robert is the assistant principal at TJ’s new high school out of nowhere with no build up. Jay has a good story to tell but rushes to get through the introductory things. Slow down and let the story develop, then when the events of the plot happen the readers will feel a deeper connection to the characters and the story. What was your favorite part? For me, my favorite part was seeing the growth that Jay displayed as a writer as the story advanced. Much of the weakness in the pacing in the earlier chapters settles down in the later chapters, and Jay allows the story to tell itself without rushing through. TJ is a strong protagonist, and it’s fun to get into his head. The characters really begin to find themselves once the pace slows down and they are given room to grow. I really liked the characters and grew to like them even more as they interacted. The dialogue is witty and enjoyable. Overall, an enjoyable reading experience!

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until the last author signed up is critiqued. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Between a Rock and a Hard Place Dodger Critique By: Sam Wyer Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Charlie and Roger are two teenage guys who have been friends since fourth grade. Their friendship turns a corner and teeters unpredictably for the few awkward moments it takes for both of them to realise what is really happening. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The most obvious strengths are the key players in it, as both Charlie and Roger are well characterised. Given it’s a relatively short story, the introductions don’t feel rushed, and you get a very good sense of who the two of them are, and how close their friendship is. Whilst written completely from Rogers point of view, Charlie is still very easy to relate to. Yes, so maybe it is a ‘classic’ storyline, but it’s done really nicely here, and it develops well in a short format. It’s definitely towards the realistic end of story telling, and the dialogue works well throughout. What do you see as the weakness of the story/poem? As for weak points, it’s honestly hard to point to much here. There’s very little wider context to Charlie and Roger, so you don’t get much of a sense of how they relate to other people, other friends, or their families. There are nods towards this, but that’s all. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? So could it be improved? The lazy answer is definitely yes, by writing more! These two guys are very likeable, engaging, and well written, and I know I’m not the only one who thought that it would be good to hear more about them. Other than that, a bit more context for the wider worlds of Charlie and Roger would be nice, as I mentioned above. I’d also like to know how they manage the next, but unseen moments / days / months / years. I don’t mean the sex, I think we all pretty much know how that works, but emotionally they are very different people, and for me, there’s a lot of questions about how the interplay that has worked so well as friends transforms with their relationship. What was your favorite part? My favourite moment in the story takes up the whole of the second half of the final chapter, and is brilliantly managed. To give you a flavour of it:

The Improve & Encourage feature is back!!! These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until all listed authors have been critiqued. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Jager Cole Matthews Critique By: Dodger Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Jager, is a moving and powerful story about an elderly gay couple whose lives—after more than forty years together—are disrupted when one of them is affected by dementia. Despite the serious underlying theme, this is basically a love story with an interesting twist that should have you fooled. It was originally written as an entry for the 2016 GA Secret Admirer, Short Story Competition and unsurprisingly it finished in first place. Jager, incidentally, is the name of the couples wooden rocking horse, which swings during the course of the story from hero to villain and back to hero again. The story is told through the eyes of Glen as he and his partner Adam prepare to host their annual St. Valentine’s Day party. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? I enjoy reading stories that are a little out of the ordinary or from an unusual perspective. Something that perhaps doesn’t follow the normal well-trodden paths and this story is a good example. It is a truly beautiful tale, well-written and almost guaranteed to pull at your heartstrings. Part of its strength is its simplicity although this is not apparent until the end. To get there you will need to put your trust in the author, but you won’t be disappointed as everything begins to unravel. The story has a very slow, retired feel to it, as the narrator delves into the past in an attempt to explain the present. I don’t think that there are many authors who would have been brave enough to want to include dementia in a Valentines Day story, but Cole Matthews expertly strikes a good balance and the reader is constantly reminded of the couples love for each other which overrides everything else. What do you see as the weakness of the story/poem? I enjoyed this story so much that I felt a little robbed in the end because it didn’t go on long enough. Cole handles the subject exceptionally well but 3322 words don’t do it justice and it wasn’t enough detail in it for me. I feel that there was enough room to get to know the characters and their history a little better, without giving anything away. It seems almost criminal trying to find fault in such a wonderful story but it says a lot, I suppose, if my only worthwhile complaint is that the story is too short. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? A little more character development would have been good for me. I would like to have known more about their past and their early lives together even if the recollections weren’t entirely lucid. I know that it wouldn’t have been easy for them in the early days and perhaps more could have been made of this. I obviously know why the author felt the need to limit what information was fed to the reader, but it seemed a little rushed at the end. Maybe I’m asking a little too much but Cole has set a consistently high standard and this is one of his best. What was your favorite part? My favourite part of the story is the final paragraph, including the last four words at the end, just before you reach for the tissues. However, it’s impossible to quote this without spoiling the story for anyone who hasn’t read it.

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Puppy Love Renee Stevens Critiqued by: Valkerie Summary: Blaine and Levi meet under rather embarrassing circumstances. Blaine has just gone through a bad break-up and is not prepared for the effect Levi has on him. They are brought together through their mutual concern over a found puppy. Adversity is nipping at their heels though, and they go through more than their share of trials and tribulations at the hand of Blaine’s ex. Strengths: This story is riveting from the beginning. It has plenty of action both in and out of the bedroom, and it has a puppy! I love stories that feature animals, and Ruff’s antics throughout the story mesh well with the storyline. Renee creates relatable characters who provoke a sense of empathy and make the reader root for their success. I thought the development of Blaine and Levi’s relationship flowed well and developed at a natural pace. Renee also develops conflict to drive the story forward and throws several wrenches at the characters just to keep them on their toes. I binge-read the last several chapters because I simply couldn’t stop reading. She threw conflict on top of conflict and then added a little bit more. I had to remind myself to breathe at times, and to slow down so I could process what I was reading! Weaknesses/Areas of Improvement: This is one of Renee’s earlier stories, so these comments are not reflective of her current writing skills. The story needs a good tune-up from an editor, as there are quite a few misused/misspelled words and repeated words, along with the overuse of characters’ names in dialogue. There are couple of scenes I found implausible, The other major weakness, IMO, also occurs near the end of the story, Despite its weaknesses, it’s still a good read that will make you laugh, facepalm, and want to immediately go out and pet a puppy. lol What was your favorite part? It’s hard to pick a favorite part. I was torn between the beginning and the ending, but I think I’m going to go with Chapter Two when Blaine and Levi first meet. The interplay between them made me chuckle, and Levi’s tenacity was annoying, but endearing at the same time. As he approached, Blaine locked gazes with the man and had to force himself not to turn around and go back into the relative safety of the water. Reaching his towel and the man standing next to it, Blaine bent over and grabbed up his towel off the ground, all too conscious of the man’s gaze. Blaine quickly secured the towel around his waist before turning and facing the guy standing next to him. The guy who had intruded on his peace and quiet. “Can I help you?” Blaine asked, his tone stating that he was not happy at being disturbed. “Nah, was just out wandering.” “And you just happened to end up here, huh? Okay, sure, sorry if I find that a bit hard to believe.” “Skeptical, that's nice to know. Name’s Levi,” the man said holding out a hand. “Blaine,” Blaine answered, reluctantly grasping the hand that was extended towards him. At the first touch of Levi’s skin on his own, Blaine felt a warmth creep over his body, causing him to quickly pull away. “So, what exactly are you doing around here?” “Like I said, I was just wandering, I’m camped about a mile west of here, just wanted to see what else was around here.” “A mile huh? That’s interesting, considering the nearest approved campsite to this place is about two miles away, and that’s where all the tourist crap is. There’s not a whole lot to see out this way.” “I wouldn’t necessarily say that, I think I found something worth exploring.”

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Genie in Flames Wicked Witch Critique By: Comicfan Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Jo is a young boy who is lonely. He is dealing with coming to terms with who he is, but wants someone to talk with. He makes a wish upon a star and a genie named Yaidul comes to talk with him. I don’t want to go into too much detail and rob you of the reading pleasure, but this one leaves you feeling for the main character. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? Jo is shown to be a lonely soul. He has no one to talk to and is shown immediately sharing his fears with the fire. Wicked Witch gives many traits to Jo in a very short period, displaying the child’s generosity, thoughtfulness, and worry. This brings his loneliness and fears into sharp focus. This accomplished within a short period and with an economy of language. What so you see as the weakness of the story/poem? If there is a weakness in the story it is its brevity. You know poor Jo is worried about his future. While there are mentions of Jo’s parents, as a reader you desire to know more. What have they said that worries Jo? Why is this poor, sweet soul seemingly without friends? As a reader you just want more. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? I believe it could be improved greatly by tying Wicked Witch to a seat in front of a computer and keeping them there until a second chapter is completed. Barring that, just going back to expand and include a bit more in the details. Overall, you are easily drawn into the world Wicked Witch created for Jo, but you so want more of it. What was your favorite part? I’m a sucker for anything that pulls at the heart strings and Yaidul’s final line, “I’ll be here as long as you need a friend to talk to, Jo,” just breaks my heart. It leaves you feeling so sad for Jo.

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. W.A.R. Part 1 & 2 jkwsquirrel Critique By: Cole Matthews Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. W.A.R. is a teenage story about friends and their maturing. Billy is a somewhat naïve, precocious thirteen-year-old, who helps care for his grandmother. She is suffering from a stroke and is now mute. Billy’s family is burdened with helping her cope, and his best friend Brett is also there to help. Brett is his most constant companion. Brett’s mother moved them from New York City and he’s not happy being away from there. Billy seems to be the only thing that makes his life in southwestern Pennsylvania manageable. This is a vignette style story, in these first couple of sections. It gives you a slice of these boys’ lives during a time of growth and trial. It’s realistic and set in present day. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? Definitely the characters. Brett and Billy have very distinctive voices and their own personalities, so different you can miss the name tags and still know who is speaking. These characters have personality, history, and most of all humor. In a hilarious exchange, Billy admitted his mother walked in on him changing clothes and saw him naked. He’s mortified by it and his best friend Brett doesn’t hesitate to tease him about his shyness. Later when Billy’s mom arrives to relieve the boys from the task of watching her stroke-impaired mother, Brett takes a dig at his friend. “I don’t know,” Brett replied. “So, Mrs. Roberts. You’re a nurse, right?” “Of course, Brett. You know that.” “So how many penises do you see in a day?” “Oh my god, Brett, shut the fuck up!” I exclaimed. Brett laughed his butt off. I couldn’t believe he would say such a thing in front of my mother! “Billy! Language!” She scolded. “So he told you about our little incident this morning,” mom said. “I don’t see as many naked people as you might think, Brett. But if a certain thirteen-year-old boy was worried about what his mother saw this morning he doesn’t need to worry. I didn’t see anything I haven’t seen before. The only thing he needs to be embarrassed about is the way he swears in front of his grandmother.” “Sorry mom,” I apologized. “Sorry grandma.” There is a kind of loving, yet brutal, endearing quality to these boys. Throughout the first couple of sections, they vacillate between love and truly hating the other. Their emotions aren’t limited to those expressions. Brett has a learning disability and he struggles with the implications of it. Billy is in the throes of puberty, and the writer has him growing and realizing things have changed. There is portrayal of the physical manifestations of sexual maturity, but more importantly, he realizes his parents aren’t empty vessels. Other people have different ideas, and he needs to accept it. Billy discovers his father had a past. This is a revelation to the teen. Billy is learning something about himself and his place in the world. His father cares for him, but he has to work a lot, and that gets in the way. There is a kind of ‘turning on’ the parts of the brain which acknowledges this in these first two segments. The characters are genuine, have heart, and develop naturally. It’s the maturation of the characters along with endearing and infuriating attributes, and humor, which make you want to know more about them and keep reading. Keep laughing. It’s okay, we are really funny at this transitional period. What do you see as the weaknesses of the story? How do you think the story could be improved? There is a reliance on melodrama. While the characters have dilemmas, which make for interesting reading, they fall into constant, and relentless, emotional outbreaks. This is more telling later in the ongoing story, but the seeds of the problem are in the first two segments as well. Developing character, carefully structuring plot, and cultivating the reader’s investment, are keys to good writing. In WAR. the characters are well developed in these first parts, the plot has a kind of outline, but it starts to veer into some rather doubtful territory with extreme yelling and terrible arguing, which isn’t necessary. This tends to interrupt the suspension of disbelief for the reader. Yes, there are situations which make us crazy. Most of the time, it’s overblown in our own minds and starts to divert the attention to the overall story. Drama needs to build and engage, not assault the reader. While discussing this with another writer friend, I realized it was a symptom of pacing and flow. Consider this, there is some great literature which builds upon the character, setting, and situation of a story without being overly dramatic. In ‘The Piano’, the touch of a finger in a hole in a garment is erotic and provocative. In ‘Dune’ a person places a hand in a box and we experience terror, pain, and fear of what is to come. Sometimes building the scene means editing the melodrama from a story and crafting it to work as a complete story. In this story, Billy and Brett don’t need more, they are complete without the drama. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) Billy and Brett found a porn videotape hidden in Billy’s dad’s things. The boys watched it, as teenaged boys would, and after a series of physical antics, Billy fell and gave himself a black eye. (For context, this is done rather well. More of it in the story would be hilarious). Brett is feeling guilty because he realizes if they didn’t steal and watch the tape, the whole situation could have been avoided. That’s when this scene happens. Brett groaned as if he was feeling my pain himself. He gently touched my face. “I can’t believe how swelled up it is.” He looked closely at me, so close I could feel his breath on me. He stared into my eyes. He smiled. “I wish my eyes were green like yours.” He sighed. “Why?” I asked. I hadn’t ever really thought about my eyes being anything special. “I just think they’re cool,” Brett replied. “You have really nice eyes. They’re unique. Not a lot of people have green eyes like yours. Mine are just boring old blue.” “I like your eyes,” I said. “You have pretty eyes.” “Pretty?” Brett laughed. “My eyes are pretty? So now you think I’m pretty?” “You know what I mean!” I said. “Boy pretty, not pretty pretty.” “Is my dick pretty, too?” Brett laughed. “Why do you always twist whatever I say and make it into something perverted?” “Because I’m a pervert!” Brett exclaimed, “and you’ll be as sick and twisted as me by the time I’m done with you!” “You’re crazy!” I laughed. Brett was a goofball. If he had to go five minutes without making a joke I think he’d explode. Teenagers, especially boys, don’t know how to express affection. They are too old to say it plainly without nuance and too young to speak their truth. This story shows boys being boys, caring for each other, and discovering the intricacies of human interactions. Billy and Brett are struggling with the percolated emotions that bubble within us, and they are learning what those feelings mean. This snippet demonstrates how this story portrays these challenges in an engaging and thoughtful way. It’s not the outbursts which define characters, but the discussions and heartfelt worries that can create the outlines we desire. The writer does this quite well, as I hope I’ve shown. Please check out this story. It’s worth a read. Billy, Brett, and Dustin deserve it. They are interesting characters you don’t want to miss!!!

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Little Man Mann Ramblings Critique By: Timothy M Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. This is a story of strong friendships and of budding love which goes awry at times, due to insecurity, mistakes and the misplaced interference from other people. Clay, or Little Man as his best friend Eric calls him, is in college and a talented artist. He spends most of his time around straight jocks like his BFF. But one of them has more in common with Clay than he thinks, and the sparks fly from the very first, unexpected kiss. However, hiding their attraction leads to all sorts of problems and hurts, yet Mann keeps the reader hoping till the end. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The main strength of Mann’s first story is the way he makes the characters come alive before our eyes and persuades us to like them in spite of all their faults and mistakes. The wrong decisions are logical at the time, even as we cringe to read about them. Mann’s message is loud and clear: don’t lie to your best friend and don’t deny love. I also admire the way he portrays the insecurities and fears of Little Man without once making him come across as whiny, feeble-minded or weak-willed. Clay doesn’t let his emotions rule his mind for long, even when they mess up his heart. And perhaps I should mention the sex is sizzling hot. What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? Let me start out by saying it's bloody difficult to find any weak points in Mann's stories. That's part of the reason I chose his first GA story. It has only one real weakness IMO, and that relates to Mann’s choice to drag the three friends, but Clay in particular, through all sorts of terrible, painful situations. At one point I felt as if he’d made a list of all the bad things which might ruin relationships (whether as friends or boyfriends). E.g. lying, cowardice, anxiety, homophobia, loneliness, physical hardship and violence, cheating, rejection and abandonment, betrayal, depression, and any other nightmare conceivable – someone had to suffer from it. I guess you could say Mann comes clean about his style of writing from the very beginning, since all his main story characters suffer. I could accept most of the misfortunes, since they advanced the story development in a logical and believable fashion, and I’m not ‘sensitive’ or generally squeamish about violence. But, to my mind, the final incident in chapter 9 detracted from the main message and over-all contents of both the story and the chapter. I wasn’t the only (shocked) reader thinking this way, so I guess my feedback isn’t very original. Mann does address the issue in his replies to comments, and by adding a chapter note warning, and I can respect his reasons. But it remains the only weak point I could find in the story, and I still hate it. (Sorry, Mann) How do you think the story/poem could be improved? Not surprisingly, it ties into the perceived weakness, but it’s almost impossible to go into details without a major spoiler (see above). The worst part of chapter 9 crossed a line for me, which prevents me from fully enjoying and recommending this otherwise great story. I think the epic and brilliant resolution in chapter 10 could take place without going to the previous painful extreme. If I had beta read this story, I would have advised removing the most offending ‘detail’ but keeping the rest of the graphic violence, as an acceptable compromise. It’s not as if the three guys don’t suffer enough mental anguish already from the fateful consequences of their mistakes and I think the showdown would stand out much stronger with the suggested rewrite. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) My favorite parts may be the very first and the very last sentence in the story. Mann sure knows how to start and end his story with something to make us and I also loved the visit to the mall (Heidi is awesome), and the body painting in chapter 1 was a brilliant idea.

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Hard Choices Comicfan Critique By: JayT Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Sean, a twenty-five-year-old business owner, meets Will one day when Will hires Sean’s business for a job. The two become fast friends, with Will giving Sean thoughtful gifts in hopes of brightening his day. The morning after their first official date, Sean literally runs into Caesar and finds himself attracted him. Now Sean faces trying to choose between the two men. He knows this choice will affect his entire life; who will he choose? What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The story is well written and told all the way through, leaving the reader with no lingering questions. Comicfan did an amazing job of developing Will’s character, almost as if he wanted the reader to fall in love with Will. Although there was potential to tell more of this story, Comicfan kept it short, bringing the tale to completion in one chapter. What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? Though they are few, there are some (maybe three or four) grammatical mistakes; common ones that I myself make often. The main weakness of this story is character development and growth. While Will’s character was developed nicely, the other characters hardly grew at all. We, as readers, know that Sean is attracted to both Will and Caesar, but he never lets on that he loves Caesar at all. It was almost like he was settling for Caesar because Will left. If Sean had said ‘I love you’ to Caesar, letting the reader know that it is true, the story would not have been as bitter. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? There will always be the “what if’s” of life, but we cannot linger on them and be happy where we are. If Sean had shown any other emotion besides hurt at the end, letting the reader know that he was happy and in love, the story would be greatly improved. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) I think my favorite part of the story, although I say favorite reluctantly, is the breaking of the Pez Dispenser. This scene symbolizes the end of Sean and Will’s relationship, making it one of the most influential scenes of the story.

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. If you have already signed up, please get your critiques to me as I am completely out! I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Alex's Legacy Valkyrie Critique By: William King Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. This book tells the story of Sam and Alex, how they met, their developing relationship, and how things ended up. It is, however, more about how a person - Sam - overcomes tragedy. In particular it focuses on the events that follow a horrific rape. It is about finding the road to salvation in the aftermath. Although that is not the only devastating catastrophe that Sam must deal with. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The novel is well written and easy to read. The horrific rape at the centre of the story is handled in a way that is totally believable. The incident does not pull any punches and yet the balance in the description is perfect. This delicate yet strong uncompromising approach by the author hits the reader hard - which I think is what it is supposed to do. The fallout and subsequent recovery is equally well handled. You will be affected emotionally and I doubt that you will be spared a tear or two. What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? What the book failed to achieve for me, was any depth beyond the one, or two, tragic events. A lot of time is taken up with the developing romantic relationship between Sam and Alex, and there is a fair amount of sex. But, there is little background to our two protagonists, other than the bare essentials necessary to make them real. I felt like they were people I might have met at a dinner party, listened to their story, but never knew very much about them. This is equally true for the other characters, although to be fair, in that case it is far less important. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? Perhaps what is missing is any background story. Something else going on that would hold the reader's interest. Possibly if the events had been reflected by showing some detail of the impact they had on the lives of close friends, then I would have felt more involved. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) One cannot properly call the rape, and the effect it had on Sam, to be a favorite part of the story, but it was just that. It was so well described, that for me this was the essential part of the whole book.

Hello all, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! It's hard to believe that the year is nearly over, and it's been such an exciting year. For today's blog, we're going to start wrapping up one of our previous blog features. The Improve & Encourage feature was a fun one to do, but it's time to move on to a new feature. With that in mind, I'm working on getting the final few Improve & Encourage posts and it will be complete in the near future. Today, to help get us started, we have a critique by @aditus of The Tollbooth Operator by @Timothy M.. Enjoy! The Tollbooth Operator Timothy M Critique by: aditus Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Frankie lived all his life in a gated community. Like his father, he works as their tollbooth operator and lives in a tiny cottage attached to the booth. Residents and colleagues like him for his work ethic, friendliness, and helpfulness, even though some might think him slightly odd. Every day he unwavering follows a strict set of routines. One of those routines proves to be very helpful in a criminal investigation; as a result, Frankie has to step out of his comfort zone and leave his home for the first time. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The Tollbooth Operator originated from Cia’s newsletter Grid & Dice game. Timothy M. had to write a flash fiction piece from: A neurotic tollbooth operator hides in an inner city one-star no-tell motel because: "Fuck, they saw me!" When I read this combination it made me grin at first, then I was tremendously glad I didn’t get this particular challenge. I found it difficult to think of any ideas for this prompt. Timothy however, obviously didn’t have a problem with the task, or so it seems after having read the story. Usually we learn about a character by observing them while the story unfolds —not this time. We get to listen in as Frankie recaps why he has to hide from criminals and how he feels about it. I loved this. It’s a sneaky way to show us how uniquely his mind works and what an extraordinary and strong person he is. Timothy developed an engaging tale around him and gave it a nice twist by cleverly using Frankie’s quirks. On top of that, he somehow managed to include the one-star no-tell motel because “Fuck, they saw me!” without it being awkward or forced. Unbelievable! What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? Obviously Frankie is not your run of the mill character. There are only hints at what makes him special. I liked this, but I found the just hinting a little overdone. A small piece here, a description there, emphasizing certain quirks, detailing unusual needs and routines.... At some point, I was thinking ‘Okay, I I got it.’ But this is admittedly just nitpicking. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? That’s easy, with writing an end that doesn’t feel as if the author ran out of time! Or at least by adding a part two. ‘I was hoping this open-ended finish would leave you in a state of mind similar to Frankie's, so you'd feel the uncertainty and what now?’ Sorry, that didn’t work .Well, not with me. I’m greedy. I want an ending for this unusual, quirky story written by the author himself and not cobbled together by my inadequate brain. Pretty, please? You can do this so much better than me, Tim! What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) I loved how Frankie handled the reporters. It showed that he isn’t a push-over. It was an important realization for my understanding of him. And then there is Detective Kasumaki. Let’s whisper his name together with Frankie and hope the author finds it in himself to write a little something more.

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until the last author signed up is critiqued. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. Just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. I'm currently out of these critiques, so if you've already signed up, and haven't yet provided your critique, please get them in as soon as possible. As I will be gone for a while, for the time being, please include @TalonRider and @Cia in the PM. Stars for the Star Parker Owens Critique By: CassieQ Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Beau left his hometown of Lafayette to brave the colds of Ohio only to have to deal with bad Southern accents, jealousy, stage fright and his handsome and charismatic coworker George. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? This was delightful to read. There is a fantastic subtle humor in it that I wasn't expecting, from Beau's opinion of the Ohio winters, to his coworkers ridiculous Southern accents. Beau's emotions were so vivid; I could feel the way he seethed with jealousy over Harold, the paralyzing trepidation of being on stage and the sexy undercurrent of all the scenes where he interacted with George. What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? This was extremely well done, but the ending felt a bit abrupt. It was a sweet and delightful conclusion, but it didn't appear to match the pacing of the rest of the story and therefore came off as rushed and a bit jarring. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? A little bit more resolution near the end. It was a lovely conclusion to the story, but after all the build-up to it, I would have liked to see just a little bit more. (Also, I was a little bummed because I liked reading about these characters so much). What was your favorite part? I liked the scene where George brought in some Vietnamese shrimp fried rice for Beau. It showed that George was thinking of Beau when he was out to lunch and knew him well enough to know that he liked the rice and would be hungry. It was very sweet and thoughtful. And this line: " Something definitely pinged, and it wasn't just my brain." Nuff said.

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Between the Push and the Pull Hudson Bartholomew Critique By: Wicked WItch Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Ryan carefully separates the real him from his façade as Roman Cox, porn actor. But when he is recruited for a new type of porn, with story and romance flaring between the characters, he finds it harder and harder to separate what is happening in front of the cameras from his real attraction for fellow actor Erik. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? The summary I’ve written makes this story sound way too much like a corny erotic romance. As the character Ryan mentions what they do on screen is much like a Harlequin romance, but Hudson Bartholomew manages to provide real emotional depth in this story that quickly breaks any illusion of this being such a book. The description and imagery here are wonderful and make things flare to life in the readers mind, and Hudson has crafted a very interesting plot. Though the sequence of events that make up the beginning middle and end are not complex, the emotional journey the characters embark upon is winding and twisted. The plot of the porno being filmed, the story of Ryan and Erik’s private lives, and the story of their meeting all explore the way the psyche deals with many issues. Trying to write this, I honestly feel like I am back in Literature analysing stuffy old Victorian novels. There is so much interesting exploration of the psyche in this work that almost deserves an essay. But Hudson livens it all up with a modern story and a dash of the erotic that makes it a really enjoyable read. Those stuffy Victorians would be scandalised. What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? This is the most difficult part as I don’t see too many weaknesses. The romance felt a little one sided as we just don’t see enough of Erik for my liking. The character of Erik could’ve been explored a bit more deeply, but he is still a well rounded and solid, believable person. I’d have liked to sneak a peak more into his mind however. In addition there were some minor typos in the work that could do with being rectified. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? Another run over by an editor might improve this by cutting out some of the typos. Another edit would help almost any story however, that said, so it is a general thing. While pacing is good, I think that making this work a bit longer and working in more of Erik’s perspective would really build things up more. We get a glimpse or two of his life but we see into Ryan’s world far more deeply than Erik’s. As much as I don’t love the ending of this work, because I’m a sappy fool and it was heartbreaking, I think that it works with the piece. Now, a sequel would be perfection. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) I’m of two minds about my favourite part. I don’t want to spoil things, so I won’t quote anything. But the ending is my favourite, and yet my least favourite. Because it left me a temporary emotional wreck, I hate the ending. Yet it is so beautifully written and it makes so much sense to the story, and so I love it. The descriptions, the power of the words. It was perfect in one way and so heart wrenching in another. I feel so deeply unsatisfied that it couldn’t end another way, and yet it was such a good ending. It inspired deep emotion. I could – I still can - see the scene so vividly in my mind. I feel like these characters may yet haunt me; they feel so real, even though they are fiction.

I'm back! Thank you to Steve and Cia for taking care of the blog while I was gone. What a better way to celebrate being back than by starting a new blog feature called Improve & Encourage. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open! These will post once a month until we no longer have content. Once that happens, I will critique the last author that posted. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured. Sparkle Aditus Critique By: Hudson Bartholomew Please give us a short summary of the story you chose. Sparkle is a 3-part historical vampire anthology, with each part told from the perspective of a different main character. The first tells the story of Zaidu and how he was abandoned by his mother as a child, eventually to become a vampire with a mission. The second is about Adam and his resilience and love of life, despite the hatred and intolerance he's endured. The third focuses on Adam's lover, Oliver, and how his nobility is inspired by the love he and Adam shared. Zaidu, Adam and Oliver come together at the end of part three, which feels more like a beginning than an end, with hints that many great adventures lie ahead. What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem? Aditus packs a lot of world building into each of the three short parts, bringing the reader directly into the action without any drawn out data dumps. The characters' personalities are immediately established, as are their motivations and desires. At the outset, the reader almost expects each part to stand completely independent from the others, but Aditus weaves the stories of the three characters together seamlessly, with each connection feeling natural and logical. By the time you get into the middle of part two, it becomes clear how each character compliments the others, so that by the end of part three, the stage is set for some epic quest (full disclosure: I have no idea if such epic quest exists, but I would certainly like to read it if Aditus writes it!). What do you see as the weaknesses of the story/poem? Much of the story is told in flashback, which was a little confusing until I caught on to what was happening. In parts two and three, Aditus uses italics to indicate a flashback, which helps to differentiate between what is happening now and what is a memory. As each part reads like a short vignette, I often found myself eager for more background or development of certain plot points. For example, Zaidu sounds like he has a long and rich history as a vampire, which is difficult to do justice to in a short vignette; and Zaidu and Adam develop a relationship off-page that I would love to read more about. There are only a few references to the specifics of vampire-hood within this universe (for example, their origin story, the effects of daylight, etc.), which could be expanded upon for more world building; to be fair, though, those details are not central to the story thus far. How do you think the story/poem could be improved? With more installments to the anthology! The first three parts really do feel like a set up for a much longer story, and I feel that there are many nuances to the characters that have been introduced, but not fully explored. I am quite confident that if Aditus chooses to continue writing Sparkle, many of my unanswered questions will be more than adequately addressed in future installments. What was your favorite part? (scene/sentence/etc) I loved the last scene of part three where Zaidu and Adam exchange some brief dialogue loaded with subtext. It hints at a deep relationship they've developed and leaves the reader wanting more. Also, even though he is supposed to be a mighty warhorse, Riah sounds adorable.