My One Fallen Angel
What began as a small and private way to get my feelings out, ended up as a heartfelt dedication that I'm glad I was able to share with everyone reading the site. It was not my intention at all to post it when I began writing. Instead, it's purpose was to somehow allow me to vent out some of the unbelievable pain and sadness that I was feeling for the loss of a good friend of mine in real life. He had taken his own life, and I had just spoken to him...hugged him...laughed with him...the day before. Out of all the things I've lived through, and all the things I've experienced in my life...nothing hurt more than losing him. Nothing. I'd be lying if I said that it's gotten any easier, even now. The pain hasn't gone anywhere, nor has it thinned out any since it happened. I've simply gotten used to the misery at this point. Nothing more. I sat down one night, still crying to the point where I was weak from it, and I opened up a blank screen to start typing. It took me about five to ten minutes to find a sentence to start with, and then just poured my heart and soul into what I considered to be my last conversation with someone I loved and cared about so deeply. It was done all in one sitting without a single break, and when it was done, I didn't change a thing. It's a stream of consciousness that took a hold of me that night and wouldn't stop or even slow down until I said everything that I wanted to say. It's the first time that I've done anything like that for the website since it first opened, and I described my sexual preference. Putting my 'perversity' into words for the first time. That seems so long ago now, but while the first one was needed for the site and for my own piece of mind...this new one burst forth without any restrictions whatsoever, and was going to write itself whether I approved or not. It simply had to be done.
Like I said, this wasn't written with the intention to post it or put it out where anyone else could ever read it but me. Somehow, it felt less personal, like it wouldn't be 'mine and his' if I gave it to the public, and that's how I intended it. To be pushed back with a lot of my other writings that are too close to my heart to surface for anyone else. But...somewhere in the writing, with tears in my eyes, it just became clear that it would be better to let people know how I feel and how it feels for the people around them if they were to ever find themselves lost. So, without erasing a single word, I added the sentence, "And I'm going to post this on the site", and took it from there. It's still more personal to me than I think a lot of people will ever understand, but judging from the reactions that I've gotten from the people who have read it and have written to me to say thank you, it's one of the best things I've could have done to honor his memory. I truly hope that it helps, and that it continues to shine as brightly as my angel once did for me.
His passing was a life altering experience for me, and I have been working hard to make him proud. I miss him. God, I miss him so much that it hurts to look anyone in the eye who shares the same pain from knowing him before he left us. I haven't the courage to say much of anything to his mother, or to his friends. Hardly anyone else has the courage to say anything to me either concerning him. Not even on a happy note. I still hold on to the cd that I burned for him and was going to give to him the day he didn't show up for work (Roni Size). I still remember snapping at someone who was looking for cds in my bag and they touched it and asked me what it was. I stayed extremely protective of that cd for months, but I DID finally take it out of my bag. I still hold onto it though. I have only been to his grave once, as it is an entire road trip away from me, but some close friends and I left him a few precious trinkets and a poster that we all signed to say goodbye. I've built him a small memorial page with some old photos and drawings that he gave me, and I later dedicated the story "Final Hour" to him, posting it on Nifty for the first time ever. It did a lot of good as well for many young teens who were feeling the same way, and decided against it.
Even though I believe that a lot of good came from writing this, not just for other people, but for me too...it still rips a hole in me to think for one moment that a boy so incredibly special would have to experience the pain and the helplessness that it takes to take a razor to your wrist. That is perhaps the hardest thing to take in all of this, because I've been there, and I know what it feels like. He didn't deserve that. He was much too sweet for that. I don't like to think about it much. It's one of the most sensitive parts of me.
So...there it stands, a dedication to someone who truly was an angel to me in every possible way. Written in misery, in anger, in desperation, but with love in my heart for someone that I still expect to call me and say hello. This was the best that I could possibly do to bleed out some of the poison that was causing me to break down and pull away from my friends, my family, and this website. If I hadn't written it and gotten my feelings out where I could see them clearly, chances are I'd still be in my shell. In the end, I wanted this tribute to be more than me crying out to understand or rid myself of more pain than I can handle. I wanted it to be more than a secret that was only here for me to remember him by. By the completion of the text, it became a memorial for all of us who have lost someone, who have lost ourselves, or who may lose someone in the future. Nothing I can do will ever bring him back, but I can make sure that things are just a little bit easier for other people in his position. And that's what "My One Fallen Angel" is all about.
I thank you all for the love and support that you gave me during this time. Even though I was too numb to answer many of you, or talk for longer than a minute, it was greatly appreciated. If ever I needed the hugs...that was it. Thank you.
This page was last updated on February 11, 2016.